Mother-in-law and other relatives of the husband mobile version. Husband, mother-in-law and me: the secrets of relationships with his parents

I have been married for 7 years, a year ago I thought that I was very lucky with my mother-in-law and my husband's large family. And he has about 14 close relatives, to whom we went every Saturday. Travel 100 km one way.
His parents never interfered much, did not help, but invited him to stay at their expense, gave tickets, and so on. And for me and my sister even a couple of times)) My father-in-law at work has the opportunity to make free tickets.

Everything changed a lot when I became pregnant (the first child in the family). Everyone began to talk about how much everyone would pamper the child.

My sister wanted to organize a baby shower for me (a small celebration where they congratulate the expectant mother and bring gifts to the child, such as "dowry").
Immediately, the mother-in-law with her sister (husband's aunt) jumped in and said that she was organizing. I asked my sister to also participate in this, so that there would be an opportunity for my mother to participate in this matter via Skype (my sister and I live in another country). The mother-in-law ignored this moment, and when I asked again, she sent a message that she was canceling this holiday and none of her relatives could spend it, only in a restaurant. Between this case, there were many comments in SMS about what things we should put in the gift list for the schauer, that we should definitely go to the stores and look there, and not just on the Internet. And all with comments, they say, after all, this is your child. The sediment was not good, both for my husband and for me.
I worked 12-14 hours a day during my pregnancy until the last day (and all night in the hospital while preparing for the birth), so all this stressed me in addition to everything. My husband also worked at the same pace, because it was necessary to have time to complete all the projects.

Then the mother-in-law decided that she was uncomfortable in front of other relatives and "did a favor", and returned the holiday 2 weeks before the appointed date, after she found out that the wives of 2 of her husband's colleagues cooperated with my sister and organized the holiday.
All this got on my nerves.
There was a big disappointment at the holiday, all distant relatives gave very good gifts, but the relatives with whom we constantly communicated gave a full year, and not from the list on which they themselves insisted. Moreover, a cheap city, although everyone is very wealthy. To be honest, I was very hurt in the light of statements about how they would "spoil my child." I also asked not to give anything pink, and of course my mother-in-law bought pink clothes.

We didn’t know when I would give birth, but we warned everyone not to come to my hospital (visitors are allowed into the ward here), I only wanted to see my husband. The birth was difficult for the baby and I had an emergency caesarean. She was born small. I could not breathe, as a result I was put on oxygen and my husband stood with me and woke me up all night so that I would not stop breathing. It wasn't all easy. When the next day the husband called his father to say that everything was fine. Father said that they say your mother flew there to meet you. Naturally, immediately upon arrival, she came to my ward, and in outerwear, she had to be reminded to wash her hands. I was feeding the baby at that moment, it did not bother her, she stared into the ward and stared at my chest. Which I didn't like. And she began to have small talk with her husband about what she ate for breakfast. After the nurse came to inspect my seam and other parts, the mother-in-law was not embarrassed, she did not even try to get out. It was very unpleasant, disgusting, because my honey was discussed. questions including how I poop (sorry). The last straw was that she took the baby out of the crib and began to essentially apply it face down to the outerwear. I am under the pretext that the child needs to sleep and asked me to put it down. I couldn’t even look at her, it was so disgusting and unpleasant for me, and it’s a shame that my requests are being ignored. After that, her husband took her away, she kept him there for 2 hours, although I needed help with the child. After that, she repeated her arrival again, and I simply could not overcome myself and did not even look at her. My husband noticed this and tried to find out what was the matter, I naturally (hormones) expressed everything. To which he sent her quickly to relatives and she did not appear anymore.

My parents gave us $7,000 for our birthday, his parents gave us nothing but the organization of the holiday (the organization cost $200, I saw the bill). At all. Even when she came to me in the hospital, she did not give me anything. Although they have more opportunities than my parents, who work hard in Russia, although they are already retired.
And all his relatives know that I plow for 12-14 hours to earn money, because my husband has problems in the company now. That money would allow me to sit with the child and relax, and not rush to feed her, then run to the computer to work remotely and finish projects.

All this left a very large sediment. It’s very disgusting and disgusting for me to even think that in a week they will show up on the doorstep and touch my child. If I could, I would stop them from appearing here at all.
I refused all visits to relatives, because I will not take a small child 100 km in one direction, so that his relatives would be comfortable. His relatives did not understand this. Absolutely, well, how will they have to get up and do something, but it is unlikely that he will burden himself like that. But father-in-law will definitely draw.

The situation is complicated by the fact that my mother arrives for a month and will live with us, that is, it turns out somehow not fair that my mother will get this time with her granddaughter, and I deliberately oblige the time to his parents. I love and appreciate my husband and I don’t want to hurt him with my attitude towards his parents.

Questions:
1) what do you think from the situation, I perceive everything too much? My husband has the same grievances, but maybe we are too hormonal now and all this is "worldly nonsense"?
2) how will it be honest with respect to her husband so that the parents how long we have been sitting? Based on the fact that my mother will live with us for a month?
3) What should I do if I feel disgusted to look at them? How to overcome disgust, and how to make sure not to snatch the child from their hands when they decide to hold it. (I write and the very thought tears me apart)
4) how to overcome resentment for the material?
5) How not to offend or hurt your husband?

Thank you!

PS help with tags, free discussion is fine))

Photo: Virginia Hamrick/Rusmediabank.ru

On foreign territory

In most cases, this is exactly what happens. Entering the husband's family is not as easy as it seems at first glance. And at such a moment, a woman really needs support and help. First of all, from the beloved. Ideally, help from her husband’s relatives, who will feel sympathy and sympathy for her and help her adapt painlessly to a new situation for her.

Unfortunately, in reality, it does not have one or the other. And forced to climb out on her own. By the way, here sometimes you need remarkable abilities for empathy, a sense of tact, proportion and sophisticated delicacy, because without knowing it, this woman is walking on a razor's edge.

Firstly, because it invaded a strange world, an established and familiar rhythm of life. If she has sharp differences in habits and attitudes towards established routines, this can cause rather painful disagreements and even conflicts.

Secondly, because she is a competitor for the attention and love of that family member, which until that moment was completely owned (or thought to be owned) by other family members. Here appears both burning jealousy and ardent love, which is suddenly remembered, although nothing like this had ever been observed before.

Third, a new member of the family is simply doomed to close attention to his appearance, word, deed, every turn of his head. Who's new? Fresh blood for drinking is always under a microscope or a glass cap. And every wrong (from the point of view of new relatives) movement can be perceived as a betrayal. And far-reaching conclusions are made, and diagnoses are made, and labels are stuck.

In the first period of the joint life of spouses with relatives, a lot of small and large clashes arise that can result in a real war or come to naught if people who rub themselves in this way actually love and value the peace of their relative who brought a new tenant into the house. But what about the suffering side in this situation?

Is it necessary to please the mother-in-law and other relatives?

If you are aimed in this way, you can easily step into the slippery path of conformity and gradually lose your own face and understanding of life. No one needs to please and no one should try to please! Moreover, it is useless, and sooner or later the commercial project will be revealed. After all, everything insincere, secret and deliberate always becomes clear and the real one is revealed, which no matter how you hide, but the ears still stick out.

How to behave with mother-in-law and other relatives?

Of course, your family has its own rules. For example, you never close the toilet lid, don't put toothpaste in a glass of toothbrushes, don't leave dirty dishes on the table and in the sink. You have a complete order with personal things and personal folders. Very well! Continue in the same spirit. But do not focus on this in a new family. Do not constantly talk about the fact that your home is used to a different state of affairs. It's obvious. And if the comparison is not in favor of the new family, it can simply offend, offend, and turn hostile against you. You don't have to tell your loved one about it. He is unlikely to be able to immediately change the system that has already been established once, but he will still have a sediment in his soul from your inappropriate remarks. And when the opportunity arises, he will remind you of this. Why this list of mutual grievances and reproaches? Wouldn't it be better to accept everything as it is for now, and try to adapt to this and not offend anyone at the same time.

It's great if you have the opportunity to live separately, build your own family, with your own order of things in a separate apartment. And to be a sovereign mistress in the house with her own personal order and disorder. Strive for it. Let it be even rented, but your own living space, where you will not constantly come across closely with your mother-in-law and other relatives.

But if this is not possible, do not despair. Just set yourself up for the inevitable. You will always be a little dissatisfied, even if in words and in public everything looks the other way around. A spiritual mother-in-law who will love and accept you completely and completely and immediately is something from the realm of fantasy. And it is a rarity. Deal with it and calmly accept her coldness if you are unlucky. She, after all, is not obliged to love you just because her son loved you.

Sincerely admire her cooking, order in the house, character, cat and ficus, try to do something nice, help, give gifts and attention. But do all this not under pressure or in order to please, but simply from the generosity of the soul. Simply because she is his mother.

On the other hand, why did you decide that you were unlucky. Maybe it's just luck to find a person who will finally teach you how to wash your dishes and iron your husband's shirts properly. In any case, communicating with different people, especially with relatives, we are constantly developing, growing above ourselves, strengthening the inner core, tempering, gaining experience. And we can only thank for it those who are trying for our benefit.

A very important thing to learn in dealing with the mother-in-law and other relatives of the husband is gratitude. Try to be grateful to your husband's mother for giving birth to him and raising him for you. She is his mother and that says it all. This is higher and stronger than all other arguments and proofs. No matter how quarrelsome, harmful, meticulous, stupid, etc. she is. no matter what, she is the first person in your lover's life. And there's nothing you can do about it. It remains only to accept.

Try to avoid negative scenarios of communication with relatives. All the more deaf hostility, competition and other poignant moments. If you can't look at situations with humor, look at them philosophically.

And always remember that sympathy and friendship will always find their way to another person, even if he is initially hostile against you. Water wears away the stone. And love and sympathy are ready to melt even the largest blocks of ice. Don't get cold, keep warm. Who knows how life will turn out, and sincere care, attention and friendliness to your husband’s family can become a real human discovery for you. There are many cases when, even after a divorce, the former mother-in-law and daughter-in-law maintain friendly relations and consider themselves close people. Probably, it is worth taking an example from them, because the more mutual love, the easier it is for all of us to live in this crazy world.

A Russian person has a lot of relatives. And each relative has a strange name that requires decoding.

"Father-in-law" - the father of a husband for his daughter-in-law (derived from "mother-in-law").

“Mother-in-law,” used to sound like “all blood”, “bred blood”, the head of the clan, which unites all blood relatives. Another version is “one’s own shelter” (earlier in Rus', the bride was brought to her husband’s house, so the house of the mother-in-law became native).

"Dever" comes from the word "trust".

To whom, if not this man, the young wife could entrust what she considered the most intimate. According to another theory, a relative was called brother-in-law not for the reason that they trusted him, but because, unlike others, he was often pointed to the door (you are not needed here with your advice, do not be smart). As an option, the brother-in-law was pointed to the door after being trusted too much.

"Sister-in-law" - comes from the word "evil", so in some regions of Russia it was pronounced as "zlovka".

This term may be associated with an old rite, when after the wedding, the bride was sprinkled with ashes on her head (her husband's sister also participated in this rite). This word is found in literary works written before the 18th century. The sister was always jealous of her brother for his young wife, and believed that she was doing everything wrong, shameless, so basically the term has a negative meaning.

"Daughter-in-law" - "who knows who."

This meaning is due to the fact that when taking a girl from a foreign clan, or other lands, as a wife, the husband’s relatives did not know anything about her (her customs, character, skills), which means they take someone who is not clear into the house. The etymology of the word is associated with the patroness of the hearth - Vesta, who lived in ancient Rome.

“Daughter-in-law” is a daughter-in-law, the wife of a son, a brother-in-law, or an experienced wife who already has children (“to be demolished”, “to demolish”).

The concept of "daughter-in-law" is not just a designation of kinship, but also a certain status. Another option - "daughter-in-law" comes from the word "son" - son's wife. But where did the "ha" part come from? The groom's parents considered the daughters-in-law to be clumsy, so they could both laugh at them and find fault (teach). Therefore, the word "daughter-in-law" has a derisive character.

“Father-in-law” - comes from the words: “tyaty”, “father”, “amuse”, “honor”, ​​parent of the wife.

A person who must monitor the observance of all traditions, the laws of honor in the family.

"Mother-in-law" - has Slavic roots and comes from the words "amuse", "comfort". After the wedding, the mother rarely sees her daughter, so amuse herself when she comes. Another option - the mother-in-law comforts small children (grandchildren).

"Shurin" - brother of the wife.

One of the points of view of the designation of the word "brother-in-law" is to scold (it turns out that he was scolded all the time). Another version - the word comes from "SHCHUR". To protect themselves from the evil eye in the old days, people squinted. The brother-in-law is a young friend who knows a lot, so it’s sly to squint. The verb "to make a fuss" was used when knitting brooms, weaving hedges and other products from branches. Therefore, the word "brother-in-law" means related by family ties (we introduced you to ourselves, therefore we are in the same family bond).

“Sister-in-law” - comes from the word “one’s own” (one’s relative is not blooded, but not a stranger either).

For a young husband often become the best friend.

"Svoyak" - earlier in Rus' this was the name of those with whom it was pleasant to spend time, especially to eat and drink.

Later, distant relatives who are not blood relatives began to be called that. In this case, such a person is neither a relative nor a stranger. Even with relatives, sometimes there were no such warm relations as with brothers-in-law (after all, a brother, for example, may turn out to be a non-drinker).

"Son-in-law" - the main meaning of the word is "to take."

Why take it? Because this is a person who took a girl (wife) as his wife, and not money from the bride's parents. Another version - "son-in-law" - a person who, after the wedding, becomes famous, familiar. Son-in-law could only be called the man who brought his wife to his house.

As you know, the husband, mother-in-law and father-in-law are acquired relatives with whom you will have to get along until the end of your life. This article just highlights the sensitive topic "Husband, mother-in-law and me."

In the life of every person there are blood and acquired relatives. In the latter case, as it has already become clear, we are talking about the husband and his parents. Indeed, these are those unfamiliar people whom life is not enough to get to know better.

However, every modern woman must definitely find an approach not only to her legal spouse, but also to her mother-in-law with her father-in-law. And this is where certain difficulties arise, which can be described simply as "they did not agree on the characters." Oddly enough, friction in family life arises precisely between the mother-in-law and the daughter-in-law, and sometimes they reach the point of hostilities. Why is this happening?

The fact is that all people are different, and mothers are very jealous of their sons, especially when they grow up. The woman understands that soon another companion will appear in the life of the child, and the mother will fade into the background. This is where it all depends on the female character: some ladies of the Balzac age accept such life changes as a fact and something inevitable, but others try to resist such life circumstances to the last.

It is just the second type of mother-in-law that is the most dangerous, since the aggression of an adult woman can sometimes destroy a young family. The worst thing is that, it would seem, an adult woman in the depths of her soul understands that she is behaving like a spoiled and selfish girl, but hatred for her daughter-in-law and boundless love for her son simply fall like a veil on the eyes and female consciousness. In such cases, a young girl who is madly in love with her chosen one has a very hard time, but in the name of love she endures all the dirty tricks and insidious attacks.

The situation with the father-in-law is much simpler, since he does not experience those jealous feelings for his son, which simply overwhelm his wife. That is why it is much easier for him to come to terms with a new family member, especially if the daughter-in-law takes care and joyfully makes contact. The worst thing is that such a family idyll gradually begins to annoy the aggressive and wayward mother-in-law, so it is possible that in the near future family conflicts will become global. And husband? The mother-in-law will be able to process her son in such a way that he will not have time to come to his senses, as the application for divorce will already be pending in court.

Is there really no way to find an approach to your new family? In this matter, the main thing is not to despair and not to break loose on new relatives, otherwise the mother-in-law will only benefit, and she will repeat right and left, they say, "warmed the snake in the heart." The best weapon against an aggressive woman is calmness and a smile, which will finish worse than a Kalashnikov assault rifle.

On the topic "Husband, mother-in-law and I" you can talk for hours, but the problems from these conversations will still not become less. Definitely need to act, and the sooner the better. Such activity and initiative allow not only to save the family, but also to get along with an unbearable woman of Balzac's age. Of course, in most cases, such an idyll is rather apparent, but the image of an impeccable daughter-in-law will be preserved.

So, what to do to get along with a capricious mother-in-law? At the first meeting with potential relatives, it is best to keep quiet, while looking around and studying the situation. During the acquaintance, it is important to learn as much information about the new family as possible: who is in charge, what relationships and traditions, family customs and foundations, and most importantly, to feel the attitude towards you. This is a kind of "reconnaissance", which in the future will allow you to win the battle. Yes, yes, relations with the mother-in-law sometimes resemble a battlefield, and if "you are not the enemy, then he is you." However, with a competent approach of the daughter-in-law, bloodshed and victims can still be avoided.

It is recommended to form friendly relations with new "relatives" even before marriage, otherwise family life, having barely begun, can turn into hard labor. Intuition will help here, which will allow you to feel the nature of a potential mother-in-law, and from the knowledge gained, draw a conclusion how to behave in her society.

For example, fanatical cooks are best praised, and their culinary dishes are considered "aerobatics" at all. A girl should constantly be interested in how she managed to cook this or that culinary masterpiece, and periodically ask for a recipe. Such an interest will certainly flatter the mother-in-law, and she will become softer and more accommodating.

If a future relative is obsessed with growing flowers, then her hobby can also be used. But how? Always be interested in the life of her "pets", and on occasion present a new unique specimen. Even if such a purchase costs a pretty penny, you should not worry, because such waste will pay off with an excellent relationship with a potential mother-in-law. And there are many such examples, the main thing is to find the weakness of a capricious woman.

In general, the idea is clear: it is required to find common ground and common interests with a potential mother-in-law, because, as you know, such hobbies noticeably bring people together, making them kinder to each other. It will be more difficult if the only point of contact is the boundless love for the son and the groom, who, unfortunately, are one person. It will be more difficult to get along here, because it is one thing to talk about flowers and recipes, and quite another to share the love of one man.

However, in this situation there is a way out: in no case should you compete with your mother-in-law, proving your importance and superiority in the life of your beloved man. It is best to behave with restraint in the family circle, while trying to devote more time to the mother-in-law, not forgetting to include a common man in the dialogues.

A smart girl should remind her lover that his mother has a birthday, anniversary or other holiday soon; help choose a valuable gift and buy her favorite flowers. An adult woman realizes that a man could not show such accuracy, therefore, without the help of his soulmate, this business clearly could not have done. Such concern will surely touch her, even if somewhere in the depths of her soul, and she will soften for a while.

You can also find contact with the mother-in-law with the help of the father-in-law, who, as a rule, will turn out to be a "cool man" with a shrew's wife. Communication with him will provide support from the rear, in addition, provide information about all the habits, tastes and preferences of the lover's stubborn mother. So even "father-in-law - henpecked" will help to improve relations in the new family and smooth out tangible tensions. In general, the girl's task is to find contact with the future "mother" even before the wedding, since it will be even more difficult to do this after marriage.

The family life of lovers and their relationships also depend on where the newlyweds live. If there is a mother-in-law in the house, then things are bad; but separate housing is a great way to get along with new relatives at all times. Let's start with the "utopia": living with your mother-in-law means living by her rules. This is very difficult, because, as you know, "two housewives do not get along in the same kitchen."

Loving a trifle, up to an unwashed fork, can lead to conflict. So you should not intersect with the "new mother" in the same kitchen, otherwise the conflict can not be avoided. In such cases, it is better to accept and adhere to the rules of a strict mistress of the family, while thinking about moving out of your father's house as soon as possible.

Life alone is a paradise, because at a distance you can love even the latest vixen. Here you just need to call her regularly, find out about business and well-being, and also visit periodically, they say, you miss her. Of course, to go to all family events, and at the first request to provide overwhelming assistance. So, for the sake of the "beloved" mother-in-law, family subbotniks can also be tolerated, but the daughter-in-law for new relatives will be the best and most hardworking.

It is also important to get along with other relatives, because in any conflicts, the mother-in-law willy-nilly will take the side of her blood relatives. So it is best to avoid such stalemate situations, and in general to take the position of a "shy" and once again not take the initiative. In any case, these are the husband's relatives, so let him deal with them. Otherwise, there should be no problems in communicating with the mother-in-law.

So, if you wish, you can improve relations even with the most unbearable mother-in-law. The main thing is to set a goal to get close to a new relative, and, as you know, relatives are not chosen.

Hello!
You have self-doubt and it was this that caused you to attract events into your life that strengthened it even more.
Believe me, for your children, a happy mother is much more important for their development and well-being than order in the house!
It is important to look at the situation without illusions. The parents of your chosen one or chosen one - they have their own motives in this situation. No matter how happy they are with you at first, you should not hope that your parents will become your friends. How does it happen in life? And in life it often happens like this, for example: a woman initially perceives her mother-in-law as her girlfriend and comrade-in-arms. The mother-in-law is primarily a rival. The danger of the situation lies in the fact that with a woman’s lack of self-confidence and the connivance of her chosen one, the mother-in-law can also win in this rivalry. Similar processes occur when a man interacts with his mother-in-law. She shares living space with the young and gives her care not at all disinterestedly. The mother of your chosen one expects that her gifts will be appreciated and returned to her in the form of metarial benefits, gratitude, moral support from, first of all, the man of her daughter. Perhaps, reading this now, you silently wave your hand with the words “yes, no problem.” Alas, it seems so easy to you now, but in reality it is very difficult to satisfy the needs of your mother-in-law or mother-in-law. This complexity is explained by the fact that, in a good way, it is not for you to satisfy these needs. The situation can be further aggravated by the absence (actual or psychological) of a man from his mother-in-law or mother-in-law. Then, for example, the mother-in-law begins to argue that "here the parasite came to everything ready, and she also stole my son from me." For single mothers, a son or daughter often becomes partly a substitute for a husband. And then it is impossible for her to prove that the “son” or “daughter” is already an adult, adult personality. Yes, and this is a thankless task - to negotiate with the parents of your chosen one. These negotiations can only be successfully conducted by a son or daughter with their parents. You can only explain to your soulmate your feelings and desires about the current situation, and he / she can already talk in order to improve the situation. It turns out that when you come to the living space of your beloved or beloved, where his parents already live, you find yourself in a strong dependence on your chosen one or chosen one. And it is with this that my main recommendation will be connected, what to choose: rent an apartment or live with your parents. I recommend to soberly assess what behavior of your half you predict when there are disagreements with your parents. This is important because if you yourself negotiate, for example, with your mother-in-law, then she will perceive this as a violation of her personal boundaries and an invasion of her territory. And it will be completely sad if the daughter unites with her mother, and they will harmoniously begin to remake you. Be prepared for the fact that your soul mate will not understand you, because she / he is already accustomed to the behavior of their parents, it is much easier for you to experience conflicts with them than you. As you have already noticed, I do not touch on the topic of communication with my father-in-law or father-in-law, and I do this because fathers, as a rule, break off the psycho-emotional connection with their child more easily than a mother. And because of this, mothers are almost always not happy with the choice of their child. For any mother, the absolute supervalue of her child and the expectation of ideality from his chosen one / outlier is taken for granted. And at the same time, they lose sight of the fact that their treasure chooses a soul mate for itself, and what is good for one is not very good for another. No matter how similar mother and child are, they are still different in some way. It is natural that the chosen one / the chosen one may not like the mother in some way, but she does not want to understand this. In conclusion, I want to recommend that you do not engage in the hopeless business of remaking your own or other people's parents, but look for those moments in life that are completely within your power to change, for example, agree with your husband so that his relatives will again stay away from your family - as it was before .
Wisdom, happiness and health to your family and you!

Good afternoon. I was interested in your answer "Hello! You have self-doubt and it was the reason that you attracted to St...." to the question http://www.. Can I discuss this answer with you?