Hot Jokes and Quotes (25 pieces). Fresh jokes Andrey what is family life

The funniest

Early morning in the village, an ordinary family of mother, son and father without legs,

Early morning in the village, an ordinary family of mother, son and father without legs, which they lost in the war. The son is getting ready to hunt, takes a gun and a cartridge, then his dad crawls up to him and says:
- Son, take me hunting, I really want to!
- Dad, how can I take you, you don’t have legs, what good are you?
- And you, son, put me in a backpack behind your back, and if we suddenly see a bear, you shoot at it - you won’t hit it, you turn your back, and I’ll kill it with one shot, you know it yourself - I shoot a squirrel in the eye from 100 meters! So we’ll bring the loot home, so we’ll have something to eat in the winter.
The son thought and thought and said, “Okay, dad, let’s go.”
They are walking through the forest, the father is sitting in a backpack, and then a bear meets them. The son shoots, misses, shoots again - misses again, turns his back, dad shoots - also waves, again - misses again. The bear is already rushing at them, well, the son will give it a try, and meanwhile the father is shouting - they say, quickly, they will catch up! They’ve been running for an hour, they don’t have the strength, the son understands that he and his dad won’t run that far - they’ll both be lost, so he decided to throw off his backpack and runs on.
He comes running home all out of breath and says to his mother:
- Mother, we no longer have a father... - with tears in his eyes.
His mother calmly puts down the frying pan, turns to him and says:
- How did you fuck me with your desire, then my dad came running 10 minutes ago in his arms and said that we no longer have a son!

They invited a guy at work to a corporate party and allowed him to come

They invited a man at work to a corporate party, they allowed him to come with his wives, the corporate party was themed - a masquerade, you had to come in costumes, with masks. No sooner said than done, they got ready before going out, and his wife had a headache, she said, “Go without me, and I’ll lie down at home for now,” and she herself came up with a cunning plan - to follow the man, how he would behave at the masquerade, to pester Zinka from accounting or even get drunk. Before going out, she changed her costume, came and saw her hubby - first dancing with one, then twirling the other, guard! She decided to check how far he would go, invited him to dance, they danced and whispered in his ear: - Maybe we can retire...
They retired, did their business, and the wife quickly went home. Her husband arrived a little later, she decided to ask him:
F - Well? How do you like your corporate party?!
M - Yes, gray boredom, the men and I decided to go play poker, and before that Petrovich, our boss asked him to exchange suits, since he had dirty his, so he was lucky, can you imagine, some woman in the ass gave!

Perestroika, collective farms are slowly dying out, everyone has gathered

Perestroika, collective farms are slowly dying out, all the animals have gathered in the barnyard and are discussing their future fate.
The bulls came out first and said: We must leave here while the hooves are still intact. The roof of the hangar is already leaking, it’s not raining, so we’re swimming like ducks. Next come the pigs: they haven’t eaten normal food for 100 years, the straw is all rotten, they give water once every three days. It’s impossible to live like this, you need to get out. All the other animals supported: Yes, yes, stop putting up with this and let’s go. One Sharik sits still, everyone asks him:
- Sharik, why are you sitting?! Come with us!
Sharik answers:
- No, I won’t go with you, I have a prospect!
Animals:
- What is the prospect? You'll die of hunger here!
Ball:
- No, guys, I have a prospect here!
Animals:
- Well, what prospects do you have here, you’ll get sick, catch fleas and die alone here!
Ball:
- No guys, I have a prospect...
Animals:
- What kind of prospect is that?!?!?!
Ball:
- I heard here that the landlady told the owner “... if things continue like this, then we’ll suck Sharik all winter...”

The girl invited the guy to visit, romantic, that's all. And

The girl invited the guy to visit, romantic, that's all. And at that moment his stomach began to twist, he simply had no strength to endure it anymore. They come into her apartment and the girl says:
- Come in, don’t be shy, go into the room, and now I’ll go to the bathroom and powder my nose...
It was somehow awkward for the guy to ask her ahead of her, so he decided to be patient, although he no longer had the strength to endure it. He walks into the room and looks - there’s a big dog sitting there. He took it and piled it in the room, and thinks that he will then blame everything on the dog, while he, contentedly, goes to the kitchen to drink tea.
The girl with the bath comes out and asks him:
D: Why don’t you go into the room?
P: There’s a big dog there, I’m afraid of it.
D: I found someone to be scared of, she’s plush...
P: Wow, she gave a shit like a real one!

The son comes up to his father and asks: - Dad, what is it?

The son approaches his father and asks:
- Dad, what is virtual reality?
Dad, after thinking a little, says to his son:
- Son, to give you an answer to this question, go to your mother, grandparents, and ask them if they could sleep with an African for 1 million dollars. He approaches his mother and asks:
- Mom, could you sleep with an African for 1 million dollars?
- Well, son, it’s not a tricky matter, and we need money, of course I could!
Then he approaches his grandmother with the same question, and the grandmother answers him:
- Of course, grandson! If I had a million dollars, I would live the same number of years!!!
It's grandfather's turn, grandfather answers:
- Well, actually, once doesn’t count, so of course - yes, with this million we would build a house by the sea, and finally leave grandma!
The son returns to his father with the results, and the father says to him:
- You see, son, in virtual reality we have three million dollars, but in real reality - 2 simple #tuts and one faggot!

New jokes

I met a physics student one summer

One summer, a student (c) of the Faculty of Physics met a girl (d), invited her on one date, so he called her on another, a month has already passed, and they still have no intimacy, they don’t even kiss, they go and discuss their friends, nature , study. The student decided to hint to her that it was time to move to the next level of relationship and said:
S: Listen, do you know what a vacuum is?
D: I haven’t even heard of it, can you tell me?
S: Let's start right away with hypothetical examples - imagine that you and I started kissing, I suck in air with my own lips and you do the same, and so a space begins to form between our lips in which there is no air - and our lips cannot be torn off, this in science it is called vacuum.
D: Ugh, I should have said that right away, I also have an example - yesterday a sailor fucked me, so when he pulled out, a sheet was sucked into my ass. That was VACUUM!

What is good for a Russian, the Ministry of Health prohibits.

The guys and I went to a cafe just to have dinner. Well, as usual, we decided to take a hundred each. I go up to the bartender: - Three for a hundred! and I shell out the money.
The bartender silently places three glasses and an unopened bottle of vodka on the counter.
- I asked for three for a hundred!
The guy’s answer first plunged me into a state of mild euphoria, and then I realized that knowledge of our psychology increases the sales volume of people like him to the skies.
He said: “If there is any left, you can bring it back.”

My ex is texting me here, but I’m not answering her. She draws conclusions from my silence and asks new questions! I think she will come to an agreement with herself in the end. The main thing is not to quarrel!

The penguin was given wings not to fly, but to simply be. Some people have this with their brains.

It is very difficult for a child to behave decently if he has never seen how it is done.

The winter is coming. I’m lying in bed, with “cozy stubble” on my legs. The husband comes up and begins to gently run his hand along the leg. I become ashamed (I usually don’t allow myself “extra” hair), I start kicking, to which he raises an eyebrow and says: “What, I don’t like it against the grain, huh?!).”

Here is the advertisement: “I am selling a dress, beautiful, new, but causing terrible skin itching in anyone.” What kind of idiots write this?
- They write because people buy.
- What idiot would buy this?
- When is your mother-in-law’s birthday?
- What is the phone number in the ad?

I want to get rich quickly and tell everyone that money is not the main thing.

Alexey, you are going on a business trip on Wednesday. To Norilsk. For a week.
- Why on Wednesday? There's a corporate party on Friday, so I'm on a business trip?
- Do you remember last year’s corporate party?
- No.
- Did they show you the photographs?
- Well, to Norilsk, then to Norilsk.

I once launched a boomerang and it didn't come back. Since then I have lived in fear every day.

On the beach:
- Madam, I can’t! IM married!
- Don’t lie, scoundrel, you’re all single at the resort!

Rabinovich became rich, built a mansion and takes a friend around it. - This is the salon... This is the bedroom... This is my office... And in this dining room they can dine at the same time - God forbid! - fifty people.

What should you hang on the Christmas tree to make next year a year of wealth and prosperity?
- Have you tried the President and the Prime Minister?

– Andrey, what is family life?
- I am working. My wife works. In the evening we eat.

One day I really wanted chicken. I bought chicken, cooked it, and ate it. All. After that, I didn’t feel very good and for the rest of my pregnancy I couldn’t even stand the word “chicken.” On this occasion, the family renamed her “badger”. Uninformed people were very amused by the badger soups mentioned in the conversation, fried badger legs, but most of all, badger eggs!

The insurance agent persuaded Rabinovich to insure against fire, and then warned:
- But you understand that the company will not compensate you for losses if you set fire to your house yourself.
Rabinovich shouts to his wife in another room:
- Tsilya, you heard, I immediately felt that there was something unclean in this matter.

Honey, why did you buy so much non-booze?

Time cures. But so many side effects!

Life is beautiful when there is no room for heroic deeds!

I thought there were no ugly people... until I tried on a pool cap.

The entry on the military ID: “Laughs at the circus.”

2016 The State Duma is discussing a ban on catching Pokemon.
2017 The State Duma is adopting a law regulating the catching of Pokemon.
2018 A law on the purchase of rare Pokemon for deputies and their families is being discussed.

Don't pester the silent person with questions! What if he is silent about you? What if it's obscene?

Advice: in case of a fire, the first thing we do is save designer branded items. You will always restore your passport. Gucci won't change anything for you!

According to sociologists, if the elections were held next Sunday, Trump would win. The surveys were conducted in Northern and Southern Butovo.

Do not hold back the one who leaves you... otherwise the one who comes to you will not come.

Female friendship is just a non-aggression pact.

Help the fire victim. All my property burned down, and I ran away with what I was wearing.
- Do you have a document stating that you are a fire victim?
- Unfortunately, the document also burned down.

The Americans say: “We are the best in everything, we are the first in the world.” They were probably the first to descend from monkeys, and they remained their closest relatives.

Kolobok has changed a lot lately - he has become so callous...

The most typical example of the victory of form over content is the portraits of Che Guevara on the windows of departments selling expensive cigars.

The attending physician explains:
- Tell your wife not to worry about the fact that her hearing has become worse, this is purely due to age. This happens to everyone...
- Age? No, please tell her about it yourself. Age may happen to everyone, but not to my wife.

My nose itched and my liver trembled.

The German Kaiser visits the hospital shortly before the end of the war. He talks friendly with patients. Everyone says they are confident of victory. The Kaiser approaches the bed of the wounded Jew.
- Of course we will win, Your Majesty! But I must give advice just in case: transfer the province of Brandenburg to your wife’s name.

Tell me, dear friend,” the convert asks his believing friend, “I want to be baptized tomorrow.” How should I dress?
- Even if I wanted to, I can’t answer: in our family they use diapers for this.

The last recording from the Schiaparelli lander has been deciphered:
- I'll fuck you, Martians! Yes, how evil...

No “ok google” can compare with “maaaaaaam”!

Sir, it's time to drop our paratroopers on the heads of the enemies!
- I checked their combat training.
- So what, sir?
- They must be dropped on the heads of enemies without parachutes. Only then is the enemy likely to suffer casualties among its personnel.

Dzhigurda wanted to sell his soul to the devil. But something went wrong and only the beard was succeeded.

Plans for the evening:
1. Put on a lab coat.
2. Get on a full bus/trolleybus/train.
3. Simulate a severe coughing attack.
4. Take a voice recorder out of your pocket and say: “The virus is becoming more aggressive, we urgently need to look for a cure.”

How does a good housewife differ from a bad housewife?
- A good housewife always has order in her closet, but a bad housewife always has a lover.

But we warned the West that they would face a terrible asymmetrical response for bullying our Olympians. And so it followed - striking on the spot and extremely asymmetrical: the main culprit of the disgrace was promoted from Minister of Sports to Deputy Prime Minister. Well, has the West screwed itself? That's the same!

“Phew, it’s gone,” Lavrov sighed with relief, “but they could have appointed Mutko as Deputy Minister of Foreign Affairs. His English is up to par.”

Petro Poroshenko accused Donald Trump of sexual harassment.

Ukrainians, visa-free will be in November!
- What year?
- Oh, that's it!

The European Union has promised to cancel visas for Ukraine immediately after it builds bases on the Moon and Mars.

Obama supported Hillary Clinton in the election, since if she wins, he will no longer be considered the worst president in US history.

Only separatists and Kremlin agents demand warm batteries - real patriots of Ukraine dream of exploring the Moon and Mars.

“I had two dreams,” Trump said at the polling station. - One is to become president, and the other is for Madonna to suck me off. Now one of them will finally come true!

"Hard in training? Easy in battle!" - the military commissar greeted the students expelled for poor performance.

What can stress a husband out more than a wife who asks and asks to buy a fur coat?
- A wife who asks and asks for a fur coat, and then just walks around in a fur coat. But my husband didn’t buy it.

It was a long time ago, the children were still in kindergarten, and I hadn’t worked yet...
And then one day I took the children to kindergarten, sent my husband to work, and started cleaning.
I took the mop, pressed it between my legs and wondered where to start.
Then my husband runs in (forgot his cell phone), looked at me and asked:
- Where are you going?

Make a sentence with the word "allow".
- Allow, who is calling?

A soldier walks through the village, hungry, tired, night is coming. He knocks on the first hut and asks to be let in to spend the night. He is asked:
- Do you know how to play fart cards?
- No.
- Well, then move on.
In the second hut the story is the same, in the third. A soldier approaches the last hut and knocks:
- Grandma, let me spend the night!
- Do you know how to play fart cards, son?
- To hell with you, I can.
They had dinner and went to bed. Here the grandmother says:
- Well, grandfather, come on, start!
Grandfather is crazy, the nightstand fell off.
- Six! Hit, grandma!
Grandma kicked, the closet fell.
- Here's a jack for you! Well, son, it's your move!
The soldier strained himself, and waaaaaaay...no - the whole hut collapsed. Grandfather and grandmother:
- Well, my dear, WARN WHEN YOU ARE COMING IN WITH TRUMP!!!

When I turned 18, my parents gave me a new phone. Then it turned out that I had to repay the loan for it for a whole year :/

I'd like a T-shirt with the words "Sex Giant" on it, please.
- What size?
- Escu.

Mom found out that I started smoking, well, for starters, she broke me with my father’s belt, and in the evening she told my father, I was expecting a second serve, but my father behaved strangely, read a speech about the dangers of smoking, and then said that I was already an adult (17 years old) and could do it myself. make decisions, and like you can smoke.
The next day, coming in the evening, I demonstratively pulled out a pack of Rodopi from my pocket in front of my father, and...immediately caught it in my ear.
It’s just that my dad was a loser the day before and didn’t remember our conversation.

If a woman didn’t shave her legs, it means she didn’t expect sex. The same goes for men if they are wearing underpants.

Yesterday's jokes are

A few weeks ago, Natalya Shevel demanded that Ivan Krasko’s sons from a previous relationship undergo a DNA test. The girl did not believe that her husband could have two sons after 70 years. However, an examination proved the actor’s paternity.

It seemed that after this the girl would not be able to find a common language with her husband’s ex-darling Natalya Vyal. Soon Krasko appeared with his ex-wife at the Russian presidential elections, fueling rumors about a family reunification. Ivan Ivanovich did not give any comments about the current situation for several days, but later he decided to speak out about his relationships with his women.

“Seriously though, my position in this triple alliance is exactly that, we have a triple alliance - I am grateful to Natalya Nikolaevna for these wonderful children, this cannot be overestimated. And I want my Natashas to become friends and understand that I love both of them,” said the actor.

The former and current wives accompanied Ivan Ivanovich during the interview. According to them, there have been no conflicts between them for a long time. Moreover, Natalya Vyal was happy when she learned about her ex-husband’s new marriage. According to the young woman, she wanted the man to find happiness.

“Listen, this is a show. In fact, I exhaled when Natasha appeared in my ex-husband’s life. When we broke up, he said in every interview - I expect my wife to return to me. But I understood that this was no longer possible on my part. And now, after four years of loneliness, a person appears next to them who will take care of his well-being and will make Ivan his personal happiness,” Vyal shared her thoughts.

The young woman is sure that Krasko’s current chosen one sincerely loves him. Shevel herself is now trying to come to terms with Vyal’s close attention to their family. According to the girl, Ivan Ivanovich’s ex-wife calls him regularly, but with good intentions. Parents discuss issues directly related to raising their sons.

“I'm struggling with myself. I'm working on myself to accept this fact. I understand that this is a former family, that there are children there, and I need to come to terms with the fact that mom calls dad. Both in the morning and in the evening. And I see that Ivan Ivanovich is physically with me, but his thoughts are there, in that family. But I cannot influence this,” Natalya emphasized.

According to the girl, she has developed a good relationship with her husband’s heirs. However, she is not very close to boys. Natalya tries not to interfere in educational moments, because this is what parents should do.

Ivan Ivanovich himself, according to him, never had any doubts about paternity for a minute. The man agreed to take part in the examination to reassure his ex-wife and current one. Communicating with KP, he admitted that he adores Natalya Shevel and does not even think about returning to his ex-chosen one.

If female nipples require censorship and male nipples do not, then can I censor female nipples with male nipples?

* * *
Labor lesson for girls in fifth grade. The teacher says:
– Girls, today we have a very difficult topic: turning the edge inside out.
One of the students raises her hand and asks:
– Maria Ivanovna, what does this mean – the starry sky is inside us, and the moral law is above our heads?

* * *
Conversation with my husband. My name is Marina, his name is Denis.
Me: My name means sea, I need the sea and constantly swim!
Husband: And mine is the God of winemaking and fertility, now you understand me.

* * *
Andrey, what is family life?
- I am working. My wife works. In the evening we eat.

* * *
A man comes to a psychiatrist. He has a sock pulled over his fist. He sits down and sadly says:
- Doctor, I have a sock on my fist, it’s bothering me...
- Well, take it off, since it’s in the way.
He takes off his sock and, happily nodding his head:
- Thank you Doctor...
Goes out the door.
The doctor sits and stares blankly at the door for half a minute. Then he can’t stand it, jumps up, tears his shirt and overturns the table and yells:
- Damn! Za@bali! Crazy!

* * *
It is especially difficult to look for a job when you don’t want to work.

* * *
NASA came up with a cannon that was loaded with chicken carcasses and fired into the wind
aircraft glass to check their strength in a collision with
birds on takeoff and landing. The charge was calculated so that the speed of the chicken
corresponded to the speed of the aircraft during takeoff/landing. We learned about the tests
The British were eager to test their high-speed train for the same thing. NASA
sent them a gun. Tests. Shot. Chicken breaks particularly strong
the windshield of a high-speed express train into fine dust, breaks through the instrument panel
board, knocks over the driver's seat and gets stuck in the rear wall of the cab. Oh@eaters
the British send a test report along with the chemical composition of the glass and
window design to NASA, asking for explanations and recommendations. Answer from
NASA put it in one line: "Thaw the chicken."

* * *
- I remember when I was young, my wife was terribly jealous of me, she read all the text messages on my phone.
- Mine still does this.
- Come on, you’ve been married for 20 years. You don't go to the left. What does she want to see there?
- “Your salary has been credited to your account.”

* * *
- Mom, what, have you rented another hectare of land?
- Yes, but how did you know?
- Yes, the horse hanged himself behind the barn.

* * *
- Don't plan anything for the weekend!
- Doctor, just tell me the diagnosis...

* * *
Spoiler
- Don’t bother me, I’m reading the Gospel!
- The killer is Pontius Pilate.

* * *
If the Moscow authorities had scattered 100 million rubles allocated for clearing clouds over the city from an airplane, it would have caused greater delight!

* * *
A child's cry from the hallway:
- Ma-am! Ma-a-ma-a! Mom!
- Why are you yelling?! I'm in the living room. Come here and tell me normally what you need.
The child splashes across the apartment and approaches his mother:
- Mom, I stepped in shit here. Where can I wash my sandal?

* * *
Scientists at Stanford University have created an algorithm that allows a computer to detect gays from a regular photograph with a probability of more than 90%. A bill banning the use of American software on the territory of the Russian Federation was introduced to the State Duma out of turn.

* * *
A guy and a girl walk into a pharmacy.
The girl is cheerful like this:
- What condoms do you have?
Seller:
- Please go to this display case and choose.
The guy whispers to the seller:
- And sleeping pills, please

* * *
Women!!! Where is your summer?

* * *
Ladies with an exclamation point on your windshield, forget about your cell phone in the car until this sticker fades.

* * *
The wife calls her husband:
- The staircase smells terrible. Something was obviously dead there. Figure it out.
- Come on, the neighbors are cooking.
- Go and smell it yourself.
The husband leaves and returns five minutes later:
- We were both right. Something died there, the neighbors found it and are preparing it.

* * *
There are always two roads in life:
One is easy, the other is the one I give a fuck about.

* * *
Wife to husband:
- Honey, I'm pregnant!
- Well, from whom, from whom, but from you I never expected it!

* * *
- where are you?
- I'm at the bottom.
- What, have you completely lost your mind?
- Fool, I'm at the bottom of the city!

* * *
wife to husband
- Why did you grow such a belly!
- This is not a belly, but a HILL OF GLORY!
- I see... Below him is a FALLEN WARRIOR

* * *
- Darling, what will you give me for the holiday?
- Do you see a black Mercedes outside the window?
- Yes!
- These are exactly the same color tights!

* * *
- I'm Victor, and I'm an alcoholic, I drink vodka.
- I'm Anatoly, and I'm an alcoholic, I drink whiskey.
- I'm Sergey, and I'm an alcoholic, I drink tequila.
- I'm Roman, and I'm a bartender. Orders accepted.

* * *
Sarah: - Abram, I have a pimple!
Abram: - Really? Sarah: - No, nearby!

* * *
Phone conversation:
- Honey, what are you doing without me?
- Yes, dear, then one thing, then another, then I’ll rinse out a glass...