Druckerman French children do not spit food to read. French children do not spit food
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French parents are able to raise obedient, polite and happy children without compromising their personal lives. But they don’t spend time trying to get their children to sleep, their children don’t require endless attention, their children don’t interfere with adult communication and don’t throw tantrums when they really want something, their children behave well in public places and can do it without complaints. accept parental refusal. How is this possible, since we are used to something completely different?!
How do French women, despite the fact that they dote on their children, manage to maintain their wealth, pursue a career and lead an active social life? How, even with babies, can they remain fashionable and sexy? You will find answers to these and other similar questions in Pamela Druckerman’s book “French Children Don’t Spit Food.” Parenting secrets from Paris ».
About Pamela Druckerman
Pamela Druckerman is an American writer and journalist, international relations specialist, bachelor's degree in philosophy, former correspondent for The Wall Street Journal and columnist for such publications as Mary Clare, The Observer, The Guardian, and The Washington Post. ", "The New York Times". She has also collaborated with CNBC, CBC, NBC, BBC and was included in the list of the 100 Most Influential People. Today she writes her own column in The New York Times magazine and is the mother of three children. In order to write the book we are considering, Pamela Druckerman conducted her own research, which allowed her to determine the main features of raising children by French parents.
Summary of the book “French children do not spit food. Secrets of education from Paris"
The book consists of a preface, fourteen main chapters, one additional chapter, an acknowledgments section and notes.
Unfortunately, it is not possible to fit all the useful information from the book into one description, but you can still note its main ideas. In fact, we bring them to your attention.
About the daily routine of French babies
Already by the age of four months, French babies lead an adult lifestyle: they sleep peacefully at night and eat in the same way as adults, adopting their daily routine. According to the French, babies are completely intelligent creatures who just need to get used to their autonomy in the first period of their lives. Parents, first of all, should watch the child very carefully, but not run to him headlong as soon as the baby changes his position or makes some sound.
Upon reaching the age of four months, French children eat four times a day: at 8, 12, 16 and 20 hours. Moreover, parents consciously teach their children to take a pause between meals, as well as between periods of sleep.
Great attention is paid in France. Canned foods are completely excluded from the children's diet, but there is a lot of fish and vegetables. And the first complementary food offered to little Frenchies consists of bright vegetable purees. In addition, the French allow children to eat sweets.
It is important to note that children from an early age are taught to clean up their toys, as well as help their parents in cooking and setting the table. On weekends, it is customary to have grand family dinners and bake all kinds of cupcakes and pies.
What deserves special attention is that the French give their children the opportunity to be alone with themselves, because... they should also have personal space. You can leave the baby in the cradle for a while so that he learns to wake up and fall asleep without screaming. Mothers, in turn, should have time to take care of themselves.
From birth, the French strive to raise a full-fledged, strong personality in the child, and the child recognizes the parents’ right to a private life.
About early socialization
The French are confident that at four months their children are ready for social life. Fathers and mothers take their children to restaurants and on visits, and also send them to nurseries quite early. Despite the fact that French parents are not particularly keen on ideas, they are confident that it is necessary to develop politeness and sociability in children.
As for French nurseries, children are taught only communication. And once a week, children are examined by a pediatrician, who studies the characteristics of their sleep, diet, behavior, etc.
The French adhere to the principle that children should be given independence and develop the ability to overcome difficulties by relying only on themselves. Parents take care of their children, but do not isolate them from the outside world. In addition, they are extremely calm about the fact that children can quarrel and fight.
Another distinctive feature of French parents is that they do not praise their children at the first opportunity. They believe that children are only capable of doing something on their own. Praising your child too often can lead to approval addiction.
The French never exhaust their children with endless activities. Their children, of course, go to different clubs, but it is not customary to “train” children there. For example, at family swimming lessons, children frolic, swim, ride down slides, and begin to learn swimming only at the age of six.
Teaching politeness is considered especially important in France, because... it is a real national project. The words “please”, “thank you”, “hello” and “goodbye” are an indispensable part of children’s vocabulary. If a child is polite, he becomes on the same level as adults.
About the life of French parents
The French are confident that with the birth of a child it is not at all necessary to build your entire life around it. On the contrary, the child must be integrated into family life as soon as possible so that the quality of life of adults is not damaged.
The French attitude towards pregnancy is always calm, and expectant mothers never study hundreds of books on parenting and everything connected with it. In the same way, others perceive pregnant women kindly, but they will never “stuff” them with advice about what pregnant women can and cannot do.
Almost all French women return to their usual work schedule within three months. Working French women say a big career break is a risky proposition. French mothers also do not forget about the relationship between spouses - after giving birth, spouses strive to resume intimate relationships as quickly as possible. There is even a special time of day that they spend together with each other - it is called “adult time”, and it comes after the children have gone to bed. The French believe that if children understand that parents have their own needs and affairs, this is good for the children.
From an early age, French children are accustomed to the fact that their parents have their own personal space, and children jumping into their parents’ bed at any time of the day is nonsense. In many families, children are even prohibited from entering their parents' bedroom on weekends.
French mothers are different from any other mothers - their personality remains intact, they do not run around after their children and calmly communicate with other mothers while walking with the child. A good mother, according to the French, will never become a servant to her child, and understands the value of her own interests.
Conclusion
After reading Pamela Drickerman's book, French Children Don't Spit Their Food. Secrets of education from Paris" we can draw the following conclusions:
- French children are taught social behavior, self-sufficiency and a varied diet from an early age.
- French parents are not inclined to make drastic changes in their own lives, and they integrate the routine of new family members into the existing one
- French parents do not rush to their children at their first call, but watch them, pausing
- From birth, the child is perceived as a separate person who needs free space and time for himself
- The child always respects the privacy of the parents
- The public preschool education system in France is designed in such a way that mothers can continue to work while their children develop in a wonderful environment under the supervision of highly qualified specialists
There is a lot more that can be added to these conclusions, but you will learn about them by reading the book yourself.
We only want to add that Pamela Druckerman was able to create an excellent novel on the topic of education in French. And from this truly unique book, foreign parents will certainly gain useful ideas and advice on how to raise their beloved children.
When our daughter turned one and a half years old, we decided to take her on vacation with us.
We choose a coastal town a few hours away by train from Paris, where we live (my husband is English, I am American), and book a room with a cot. We still have one daughter, and it seems to us that there will be no difficulties (how naive!). We will have breakfast at the hotel, and lunch and dinner will be in fish restaurants in the old port.
It soon becomes clear that two trips to a restaurant every day with a one-and-a-half-year-old child can become a separate episode of hell. Food - a piece of bread or something fried - captivates our Bean for only a couple of minutes, after which she pours salt out of the salt shaker, tears up packets of sugar and demands that she be lowered to the floor from her highchair: she wants to rush around the restaurant or run into side of the pier.
Our tactic is to eat as quickly as possible. We place our order without having time to properly sit down, and we beg the waiter to quickly bring bread, snacks and main courses - all dishes at the same time. While my husband swallows pieces of fish, I make sure that Bean doesn’t fall under the waiter’s feet and drown in the sea. Then we change... We leave a huge tip in order to somehow compensate for the feeling of guilt for the mountains of napkins and scraps of squid on the table.
On the way back to the hotel, we swear never to travel again or have children - because it is nothing but misfortune. Our vacation makes a diagnosis: life as it was a year and a half ago is over forever. I don't know why this surprises us.
Having endured several such lunches and dinners, I suddenly notice that the French families at the neighboring tables are perhaps not experiencing hellish torment. Oddly enough, they just look like people on vacation! French children, Bean's age, sit quietly in their high chairs and wait for their food to be brought to them. They eat fish and even vegetables. They don't scream or whine. The whole family eats snacks first, then mains. And it doesn’t leave mountains of garbage behind.
Even though I lived in France for several years, I cannot explain this phenomenon. In Paris you rarely see children in restaurants, and I didn’t look closely at them. Before giving birth, I didn’t pay attention to other people’s children at all, but now I look mainly at my child. But in our current plight, I can't help but notice that some children seem to behave differently.
But why? Are French children genetically calmer than others? Maybe they are forced to obey using the carrot and stick method? Or is the old-fashioned educational philosophy still in use here: “children should be seen, but not heard”?
Don't think. These kids don't seem intimidated. They are cheerful, talkative, and curious. Their parents are attentive and caring. And it’s as if some invisible force is hovering over their tables, forcing them to behave in a civilized manner. I suspect that she controls the entire life of French families. But it is completely absent from ours.
The difference is not only in behavior at a table in a restaurant. For example, I have never seen a child (not counting my own) throw a tantrum on the playground. Why don't my French friends have to interrupt phone calls when their children urgently need something? Why aren't their rooms filled with toy houses and doll kitchens like ours? And that is not all. Why do most non-French children I know eat only pasta and rice or eat only “children’s” dishes (and there aren’t that many of them), while my daughter’s friends eat fish, vegetables, and basically anything? French children do not grab bites between meals, contenting themselves with an afternoon snack at a certain time. How is this possible?
I never thought that I would be imbued with respect for French methods of education. Nobody has ever heard of these, unlike French haute couture or French cheeses. Nobody goes to Paris to learn from the French methods of raising children in which there is no place for feelings of guilt. On the contrary, the mothers I know are horrified that French women hardly breastfeed and calmly allow their four-year-olds to walk around with a pacifier in their mouth. But why doesn’t anyone talk about the fact that most babies in French families sleep through the night already at two or three months? And that they don't need constant supervision. And that they don’t fall to the floor in hysterics when they hear their parents “no.”
Yes, French education methods are not really known in the world. But over time, I realized that somehow, imperceptibly, French parents achieve results that create a completely different atmosphere in the family. When the families of my compatriots come to visit us, the parents are mostly busy separating their fighting children, leading their two-year-olds by the hand around the kitchen table, or sitting on the floor with them and building cities out of Lego. Someone inevitably throws a tantrum, and everyone starts to console him. But when we have French friends visiting us, all the adults calmly drink coffee and chat, and the children calmly play on their own.
This doesn't mean that parents in France don't worry about their children. No, they are aware that there are pedophiles, allergies and the risk of choking on small parts of toys. And they follow all precautions. But they do not feel panicky fear for the well-being of their children. This calm attitude allows them to more effectively maintain a balance between the boundaries of what is permitted and children's independence. (In a 2002 International Social Research Program survey, 90% of French people responded “Agree” or “Strongly Agree” to the statement: “Watching my children grow up is the greatest joy in life.” By comparison, the same is true in the United States 85.5% answered, in the UK - 81.1% of parents.)
Many families have problems with education. Hundreds of books and articles have been written about them: excessive care, pathological care, and my favorite term - “child worship” - when so much attention is paid to raising children that it is to the detriment of the children themselves. But why is the “child-worshipping” method of education so deeply ingrained under our skin that we are unable to get rid of it?
It began in the 1980s, when scientists received evidence (and the press widely disseminated it) that children from poor families were falling behind in their studies because they were not receiving enough attention, especially at an early age. Middle-class parents felt that their children could also use more attention. At the same time, they began to pursue another goal - to raise children in a special way so that they could become part of the “new elite”. And for this it is necessary to develop children “correctly” from a very early age, and it is desirable that they are ahead of others in their development.
Along with the idea of “parental competition” came the growing belief that children were psychologically vulnerable. Today's young parents - a generation more knowledgeable than ever about psychoanalysis - have well learned that our actions can cause psychological trauma to a child. We also came of age during the divorce boom of the mid-1980s, and we were determined to be more selfless than our own parents. And while crime rates have fallen sharply from their all-time highs in the early 1990s, when you watch the news, it seems as if children's lives have never been more at risk than they are today. It seems to us that we are raising children in a very dangerous world, which means we must constantly be on guard.
Because of these fears, a parenting style has arisen that brings parents complete stress and exhausts them. In France, I saw that there was another way. Journalistic curiosity and maternal despair began to speak within me. Towards the end of our failed vacation, I decided to find out what the French do differently from us. Why don't their children spit food? Why don't their parents yell at them? What is this invisible force that forces everyone to behave decently? And most importantly, can I change and apply their methods to my child?
I knew I was on the right track when I discovered a study showing that mothers in Columbus, Ohio, found child care half as enjoyable as mothers in Rennes, France. My observations made in Paris and during my trips to America confirm that in France parents do something that makes raising children a joy, not a chore.
The secrets of French education are in plain sight for everyone. It’s just that no one tried to recognize them before.
Now I also carry a notepad in my diaper bag. Every trip to the doctor, to dinner, to visit families with children, or to the puppet theater is an opportunity to observe local parents in action to find out what unwritten rules they follow.
At first it was not entirely clear. Among the French, there are also different categories of parents - from extremely strict to those who practice downright blatant permissiveness. Questions led nowhere: most of the parents I spoke with claimed that they were not doing anything special. On the contrary, they were convinced that it was in France that the “child-king” syndrome was widespread, because of which parents had lost all their authority. (To which I reply: “You haven’t seen the real ‘child kings’. Go to New York - you’ll see!”)
A few years later, after the birth of two more children in Paris, understanding began to come to me. I learned, for example, that France has its own “Doctor Spock”: the name of this woman is known in every home, but not a single book of hers has been translated into English. I read them in French, as well as books by other authors. I talked to many parents and shamelessly eavesdropped everywhere: picking up their children from school, during trips to the supermarket. In the end, it seemed to me that it became clear to me that it was the French who were doing things differently.
When I say “French” or “French parents,” I am, of course, generalizing. All people are different. It's just that most of the parents I talk to live in Paris and its suburbs. These are mainly people with university education, professionals with above-average income. Not rich, not famous - educated middle or slightly upper middle class.
At the same time, while traveling around France, I became convinced that the views of middle-class Parisians on raising children are not alien to working-class French women from the provinces. I was struck by the fact that parents in France do not seem to know exactly what the secret of upbringing is, but nevertheless they act in the same way. Wealthy lawyers, French kindergarten teachers, public school teachers, old ladies who reprimand me in the park - all are guided by the same basic principles. These principles are described in all French books on child care, in all parenting magazines that I have come across. After reading them, I realized that when you give birth to a child, you don’t have to choose any parenting philosophy. There are basic rules that everyone takes for granted. This takes half the worry out of French parents.
But why the French? I'm not a fan of France at all. On the contrary, I'm not even sure if I like living here. But, despite all the problems, France is a litmus test for identifying excesses in other education systems. On the one hand, Parisians strive to communicate more with children, spend time with them in nature, and read more books to them. They take the Children to tennis, drawing, and interactive science museums. On the other hand, they somehow manage to participate in the lives of children without turning this participation into an obsession. They believe that even good parents should not be in constant service to their children and should not feel guilty about it. “Evening is time for parents,” explained a Parisian friend. “My daughter can be with us if she wants, but this is adult time.”
French parents also strive to pay attention to their children, but not excessively. Children from other countries hire foreign language tutors and send them to early development centers at two years old, or even earlier, but in France the toddlers continue to play - as they should.
French parents have plenty of practical experience. Throughout Europe there is a decline in birth rates, but in France there is a baby boom. Of the entire European Union, only Ireland has a higher birth rate. (In 2009, the birth rate in France was 1.99 children per woman, in Belgium - 1.83, in Italy - 1.41, in Spain - 1.4, in Germany - 1.36.)
France has a social support system that makes being a parent more attractive and less stressful. Kindergarten is free, health insurance is free, and you don't have to save for college. Many families receive monthly child benefits directly into their bank account. However, all these benefits do not explain the differences in parenting that I see. The French raise children according to a completely different system. And in general, when you ask the French how they raise their children, they do not immediately understand what they mean. “How do you educate them?” I insist, and soon realize that “educate” is a highly specialized action, rarely used in France, associated with punishment. And the French raise their children.
Dozens of books are devoted to theories of education that differ from the generally accepted system. I don't have such a theory. But before my eyes there is a whole country where children sleep well, eat adult dishes and do not “harass” their parents. It turns out that in order to be a calm parent, you don’t need to profess some kind of philosophy. You just need to look at the child differently.
Pamela Druckermann's book "French Children Don't Spit Their Food" has sparked heated discussion among parents. Many things described in the book seem simply incredible! Is it really possible for a four-month-old baby to eat according to a schedule with the whole family and sleep peacefully all night? How do the French manage to achieve such stunning results? The Motherhood portal brings to your attention a brief retelling of this iconic book about Parisian upbringing. Material provided by the SmartReading project.
1. Daily routine of French babies
As soon as Pamela returned from the maternity hospital with her little daughter, her French neighbors began to ask her the same question: “Does she have a night?” It turned out that in this way they were interested in how the child sleeps at night. How can a newborn sleep? Terrible! However, the French were sincerely perplexed as to how a four-month-old girl could stay awake at night. By this age, French children led a completely adult lifestyle: they did not bother their parents at night and ate food according to an adult schedule. Miraculously, they quickly adopted the family's daily routine.
1.1. Healthy children should sleep at night
When the author tried to ask French parents and pediatricians about how they teach their children to sleep at night, they just shrugged their shoulders and unanimously said that babies learn this on their own. The Parisians argued that babies are intelligent beings who understand everything, they just need to get used to their autonomy in the first months of life, and parents should in no way interfere with this. However, Pamela Druckerman did not give up and, step by step, approached unlocking the secret of peaceful infant sleep.
First of all, mothers and fathers should carefully monitor the newborn and not rush to him as soon as he changes position or makes any sound. Infants often start, toss and turn, groan and cry out in their sleep. Babies sometimes wake between stages of sleep that last about two hours, and before they learn to associate these stages, they may toss and turn and cry. French pediatricians and psychologists believe that anxious mothers are doing their babies a disservice by picking them up and nursing them. If a child cannot learn to sleep at night before four months, he will continue to sleep poorly.
The above does not mean that French women are indifferent to their own children. Rather, they are more patient: if the child is completely awake and cannot calm down, they take him in their arms.
The French belief that newborns are as intelligent as adults is simply amazing. When Antoine was three months old, Fanny, the publisher of a financial magazine, returned to work. Vincent, Fanny's husband, is convinced: Antoine simply realized that his mother needed to get up early and go to the office, so he stopped waking up at night. Vincent compares this intuitive understanding to the communication system of ants, which communicate through waves transmitted through their antennae.
1.2. Breakfast, lunch, afternoon snack and dinner from four months
It seems that all French people are on the same page when it comes to feeding. Starting from the age of four months, little Frenchies eat four times a day: at eight in the morning, twelve, four and eight in the evening. Moreover In France, it is not customary to talk about feeding: babies, like adults, have breakfast, lunch, afternoon snack and dinner. How can babies go four hours between meals? As with sleep, parents teach children to pause.
Sometimes it seems that French children and parents do nothing but wait. Two-year-old children calmly waiting in a restaurant for their order to be served is a common sight. In America (and not only) children demanding to be immediately taken out of the stroller, given something to eat, or bought a new toy are an integral part of the surrounding landscape. Not getting what they want, they instantly become hysterical. The French are convinced that a child who immediately gets what he demands is deeply unhappy.
Be that as it may, family life with children who know how to wait is much more pleasant. A clear diet and the absence of snacks also have a beneficial effect on children's health: according to statistics, only 3.1% of five-year-old French are overweight, while 10.4% of Americans of the same age are obese.
One of the rules of French education says: “The child must learn to overcome disappointments.” The heroine of the popular children's series “Princesse Parfaite” (“Perfect Princess”), the girl Zoe, is depicted in one of the pictures crying: her mother refused to buy her a sweet pancake. Below the picture it says: “Zoe was throwing a tantrum because she really wanted blackberry pancakes. But mom said: “Non!”, because they had just had lunch.” In the next picture, Zoey comes with her mother to the candy store. She knows that she needs to close her eyes so as not to see the delicious buns. If in the first picture the girl is crying, then in the second she is smiling.
1.3. Little Frenchies are not picky eaters
In France, great attention is paid to the quality of food: for example, a special commission regularly meets at the Paris City Hall to discuss in detail the menu in municipal nurseries. Once the author had the opportunity to attend such a meeting and was amazed at the sophistication of the menu that was prepared for children. At the same time, such nuances as color diversity are taken into account, and frequent repetition of the same dishes is not allowed. There are no canned foods in baby food, but a lot of vegetables and fish. Two-year-olds in kindergarten happily eat a four-course meal, and practically do not act up, spit or litter.
It all starts with family culinary education: the first complementary food that little French children are offered is not tasteless porridge, but bright vegetable purees. If in other countries vegetable complementary foods are considered healthy, but tasteless, the French believe that parents should reveal to the child all the richness of tastes and teach them to appreciate this diversity. If the child rejects something, you need to wait a few days and offer it again. At the same time, American parents believe that if a child spits out spinach puree, he will never eat it.
A child’s gastronomic preferences develop gradually. Parents should be patient and consistent in offering foods in different combinations and forms: served fresh, grilled or steamed. It is very important to talk with children about food: let them try different varieties of apples, discuss different tastes.
The French, unlike the Americans, do not prohibit children from eating sweets. However, if the baby sees that his mother bought a bag of sweets in the store, he does not try to get the sweets immediately - he knows that he will get them for his afternoon snack. During the holidays, French parents do not limit the number of cakes their children can have - they calmly look at their faces smeared with cream and chocolate. It's okay - holidays are rare!
Lucy is only three years old, but she always has dinner with her parents. The French do not think of preparing special dishes for children or offering food to choose from. Parisians are sure that children should try everything. Lucy's mother does not insist that her daughter eat everything on the plate, but she must try at least a piece or spoon of each dish. Lucy is a real gourmet: she distinguishes Camembert from Gruyère and enjoys spending time at the table with her family, discussing the taste of the prepared dishes in a completely adult way.
1.4. Kids help parents
French children clean up their toys, help their parents cook and set the table. On Saturday or Sunday, as a rule, grand family dinners are held and pies and cupcakes are baked. Children are irreplaceable helpers not only in eating desserts, but also in preparing them. Having barely learned to sit, little Frenchmen begin to prepare their first pie, which is called yoghurt - all the ingredients are measured out in yoghurt jars. This is not too sweet and easy to prepare dessert, the recipe for which Pamela Druckerman publishes in her book.
Martina has two small children, but there is calm in the house. The husband works with a laptop in the living room, and one-year-old Auguste sleeps next to him. Three-year-old Paulette helps her mother in the kitchen, intently pouring cupcake batter into cupcake tins, then sprinkling the cupcakes with colorful beads and fresh currants. Oddly enough, she doesn't eat the dough, does her job carefully, and is eventually rewarded with permission to eat some sprinkles. While the little assistant is busy, her mother is calmly talking with her friend over a cup of coffee.
1.5. Even babies need time to themselves
Unlike Americans, who do not leave a single step from the child in the first year of life, the French believe that the baby needs personal space. It is useful for the baby to simply lie in the cradle, learn to fall asleep and wake up without screaming. French parenting books encourage mothers to take time for themselves in order to please their husbands and others.
In the future, children who are accustomed to spending some time alone do not require the immediate attention of the mother who is talking on the phone, give the father the opportunity to work at home and do not get bored.
From birth, French adults see the child as an independent person, and the child, in turn, recognizes the father and mother’s right to a private life. In France, there is a concept of “adult time”, when the child goes to bed and the parents are left alone. Here it is customary to knock on the door of the parent's bedroom, and not to climb into an adult's bed in the morning.
French women, unlike American women, do not believe that parents should constantly entertain and develop their children. Virginie, a nutritionist and mother of three, thinks children need to be left alone sometimes. They may be a little bored at home, but they use this time for independent games and activities.
2. Early socialization
Due to the fact that by the age of four months little Frenchies already sleep and eat like adults, parents believe that they are already quite ready for social life. Kids go to restaurants with their parents and behave quite civilized when visiting, and they also start attending nurseries quite early. And if American women associate municipal nurseries and kindergartens with terrible treatment of children, then French women, on the contrary, use every opportunity to get a place there. Parents in France are not too keen on the ideas of early development, but believe that children should be polite and sociable.
2.1. Getting a place in a nursery is prestigious!
When the French find out that your child has been accepted into a nursery, everyone congratulates you and asks how you did it. Americans perceive such news with bewilderment: how can you give a baby into the wrong hands! They associate the word “nursery” with dark, dirty rooms in which hungry children in dirty diapers scream. As for the middle-class French, they are willing to go to great lengths to get a coveted place in a nursery close to home.
Even non-working mothers are happy to place their children in a nursery part-time or hire a nanny (government subsidies are provided for nannies). France is experiencing a sharp increase in the birth rate (the French system of support for mothers is the best in Europe), and representatives of all parties in their election programs promise to increase the number of kindergartens.
In French nurseries, children are taught nothing but communication: children play, have lunch, and sleep. Teachers graduate from college with a specialty auxiliaries de puericulture(educational assistant) to obtain the right to work in a nursery. Once a week, children are visited by a pediatrician and a psychologist: they study how the children sleep, eat, go to the toilet and behave in society, and then report the monitoring results to their parents.
Taking her daughter to the nursery, Pamela was very worried: whether she was depriving the child of childhood. However, from the first day both she and Bean liked the French crèche. The children spend the day in a sunny room furnished with IKEA furniture. The room is divided by a glass partition, behind which there is a bedroom: each crib has a personal pacifier and a soft toy “doudou”. The teachers exude calm and confidence. After a while, Bean is happy when her parents take her to the nursery, and looks pleased when they come to take her home. In the nursery, the girl quickly spoke French and learned several children's songs.
2.2. French children are independent and self-reliant
Providing children with independence, stimulating the ability to overcome difficulties and rely on themselves is one of the principles of French education. Americans also teach children to be independent, but they understand independence in their own way. In the camps, young Americans learn the wisdom of survival: they learn to shoot a bow, swim in an overturned canoe, and make a life jacket out of jeans.
However, despite their Scout badges and rowing successes, American children live in hothouse conditions. Parents try in every possible way to protect them from emotional and physical experiences: a broken knee or a conflict with a teacher is perceived as a tragedy. The French take care of their children, but do not seek to isolate them from the outside world. In Paris you can hear the phrase “Let him have his own life” when talking about a five-year-old child.
In France, parents do not see anything wrong with the fact that children sometimes fight; kindergarten teachers also take this phenomenon calmly. They believe that children can solve problems on their own and adults should intervene only as a last resort.
The French do not like sneaking around - the memories of the Second World War, when denunciations against neighbors led to death, are still fresh. Children rarely complain about each other - it is believed that it is better to get a couple of abrasions, but keep your mouth shut. However, children in French kindergartens and schools are more united than their American peers, obsessed with the spirit of competition.
One day, Bean, Pamela's daughter, ran out of the kindergarten with blood on her face. The wound was not deep, but Pamela questioned the teacher and the director, who claimed that they had no idea what had happened and were sincerely perplexed as to why there was such a commotion. Bean refused to say who hurt her and wasn't too worried about the abrasion. In the United States, such a case would entail an official investigation, and subsequently, possibly, legal proceedings.
2.3. The French don't praise children at every turn
Undoubtedly, the French, no less than the Americans, dream of their children growing up as self-confident people. However, French parents do not shout “Hurray!” as soon as the child jumps on a trampoline, slides down a slide or utters a new word. They believe that a child is confident only if he knows how to do something on his own.
French education is often criticized for tending to see only children's failures and not noticing their successes. It is almost impossible to get the highest score in GCSEs. Caregivers and teachers do not praise children in front of their parents. They may say that the child is doing well and is doing well, but you won’t hear any compliments.
Parents praise their children more often than educators and teachers, but they also believe that too frequent praise will lead to the child not being able to cope without constant encouragement. Poe Bronson and Ashley Merriman's book Parenting Shock challenges the conventional wisdom that praise, self-esteem, and high performance are interdependent. The authors prove that excessive praise changes a child's motivation, and he stops enjoying the action, doing things only for the sake of encouragement.
A Parisian kindergarten teacher teaches children an English lesson. Showing the pen, she asks to say what color it is in English. One of the four-year-old students responds by muttering something about his shoes.
“It has nothing to do with it,” says the teacher.
In America, in such a situation, the child would be praised for his answer, since any statement by the child is perceived as a “special contribution.”
2.4. In France they are not keen on theories of early development
Unlike the Americans, who enroll their children in all sorts of courses and trainings from the cradle, the French prefer not to torture themselves and their children with endless classes. In France, there are various clubs, but they are not associated with “training” babies: for example, family swimming lessons consist of children splashing in the water, sliding down slides and playing with their parents. Learning swimming techniques begins only at the age of six.
American mothers seem to be participating in a competition: if their children master certain skills before others, then they are good parents. Americans tend to push and stimulate children, trying to artificially raise them to a new level of development. Most French people share the ideas of the Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget, who was convinced that it is undesirable to force the development and learning of a child. Children go through developmental phases at a certain pace, guided by internal rhythms. French parents do not believe that young children need to be constantly taught something; it is much more important to develop in them the ability to feel - to introduce them to pictures of the world around them, various taste sensations, a rich color palette. The main motivation in life, from the French point of view, is pleasure.
In France, too, there are mothers who take their children from one activity to another. They are contemptuously called maman-taxi. An ordinary French child, as a rule, does one thing.
During her early years in Paris, Pamela Druckerman was struck by how different her approach to raising her daughter was from that of her neighbor, the architect Anna. Since birth, Bean's (Pamela's daughter) room has been littered with educational toys: black and white pictures, alphabet blocks, and Baby Einstein CDs. Bean constantly listened to Mozart - this is how her parents stimulated her cognitive development. The neighbor had never even heard of Baby Einstein, and when Pamela told her, she wasn’t too interested. Anna's daughter played with simple toys bought at a sale or just walked in the yard.
2.5. Teaching politeness is the basis of education
Learning politeness from the French is not a social convention, but a national project. If children of foreigners have difficulty mastering “thank you” and “please”, then French children have four words that they are required to use:s'ilvousplait (Please),merci (Thank you),bonjour (hello) andau revoir (Goodbye). As soon as the kids begin to pronounce the first syllables, training in “magic words” begins in the family and in the nursery.
The French believe that saying hello means treating people like human beings. The notorious hostility of Parisians towards foreigners in restaurants, shops and on the street is explained by the fact that guests of the capital never say bonjour. You need to say hello when you get into a taxi or when you ask a salesperson for help with your clothing size.
In the brochures that are given to parents in kindergarten, along with other goals and objectives, it is written that children become familiar with the concepts of “politeness” and “courtesy”, “learn to greet the teacher in the morning and say goodbye to him in the evening, answer questions, thank him, who helps them, and do not interrupt the speaker.” Often parents remind the child: “Come on, say hello,” and the adult, whom the child should say hello to, waits patiently.
The ability to be polite puts a child on the same level as adults. By allowing a child to enter the house without being greeted, we start a chain reaction: he will start jumping on the sofa, refuse to eat the food offered, and then will crawl under the table and bite adults. If you can break one rule of a civilized society, then you don’t have to follow the rest.
Pamela was at dinner with her French friend Esther. When it was time to say goodbye, Esther's four-year-old daughter refused to leave her room to say goodbye. Esther went into the nursery and literally pulled the child out by the hand.
“Aurevoir,” the little girl said embarrassedly, and her mother calmed down.
Esther punishes her daughter when she does not want to say goodbye or hello.
“If he doesn’t want to say hello, let him sit in his room, no dinner with guests,” she says. “But now she always says hello.” Although not entirely sincere, repetition is the mother of learning.
3. Life of French parents
Unlike foreign parents, the French do not believe that once a child is born, the lives of mothers and fathers should be built around it. On the contrary, the baby needs to be integrated into the life of the family as quickly as possible, so that the quality of life of adults does not suffer.
3.1. Pregnancy and childbirth
In general, French women treat pregnancy and childbirth quite calmly: no one studies tons of books on parenting or looks for exotic ways to give birth to an heir. People around them perceive pregnant women kindly, but calmly: a Frenchman would never think of giving a lecture to an expectant mother about the dangers of caffeine, noticing that she is enjoying her morning cappuccino.
Pregnancy books published in America stimulate paranoia: they encourage you to think about whether the food will benefit the baby every time you bring a piece to your mouth. At the same time, American women eat a lot during pregnancy, gaining twenty to twenty-five kilograms in weight. French women, on the contrary, do not deny themselves pleasures during pregnancy: if they want oysters, they eat oysters and are not tormented by the question of whether the cheese is made from pasteurized milk. However, in some strange way, they manage not only not to gain weight during pregnancy, but also to look attractive.
French pregnancy magazines do not prohibit expectant mothers from having sex, but, on the contrary, provide information on how best to do it: they list the most suitable positions, publish reviews of sex toys and photographs of pregnant women in lace lingerie.
The main problem that plagues English-speaking expectant mothers is how to give birth. Some believe that giving birth in a wine barrel is the height of naturalness, others learn to breathe according to the yogic system, and still others demand that the doctor perform a “postpartum massage.” French doctors, in their opinion, use too many medications, which is true: childbirth takes place without anesthesia in only 1.2% of cases. This percentage includes mainly foreign women, as well as French women who did not manage to get to the maternity hospital on time.
Contrary to all the fears of foreign women planning to give birth to a child in France, the healthcare system of this country is one of the first in the world. When it comes to maternal and infant health, France leads the way in many ways: its infant mortality rate is 57% lower than in the US, only 6.6% of newborns are underweight (8% in the US), the risk of death during pregnancy and childbirth is 1:6900 (in Russia 1:2900).
Pamela Druckerman gave birth to her eldest daughter and twin sons in France and remembers the birth with pleasure, largely due to the use of various medications. Her French friend Helen is a fan of naturalness. She takes her three children camping and breastfed them until they were two and a half years old, but gave birth to all of them with epidurals. She believes that everything should be treated prudently: sometimes it is worth paying tribute to naturalness, and sometimes enjoying the benefits of civilization.
3.2. Early return to work
Most French women return to the office after three months: excellently staffed nurseries and state-subsidized nannies enable them to work. In a 2010 Pew study, 91% of respondents said that a harmonious marriage is one in which both spouses work (a similar answer was given by only 71% of Britons and Americans). Working French women believe that leaving their career for several years is extremely risky. They talk about how the husband could “disappear at any moment” or simply lose his job. Besides, If a woman sits with her children all day, her quality of life definitely suffers.
However, not everything is so rosy for well-groomed business French women. France lags behind the US on gender equality: women are far less likely to hold leadership positions in large companies, and the wage gap between men and women is large (in the World Economic Forum gender gap ratio table, the US ranks 19th, while France ranks 19th). only 46th). Gender inequality also manifests itself in the family: French women spend 89% more time on household chores than their spouses (in the US - less than 30%). Meanwhile, British and American women are much more likely to express dissatisfaction with their husbands and boyfriends than French women. It seems that French women are more lenient towards men: They believe that men are a separate species, biologically incapable of finding a babysitter for their daughter, choosing a tablecloth, or making an appointment with a pediatrician for their son. French women do not “nag” their husbands like American women, and the French, in turn, are much more generous with their wives than Americans.
In France, women are calm about the fact that sometimes you need to “lower the bar.” A good mood is much more important! Thus, French women spend on average 15% less time on household chores than American women.
Some French women work part-time, but women who choose to look after their children all day are rare.
“I know one such person—she’s just now divorcing her husband,” says lawyer Esther, a working mother of two children.
The story of her client is sad and instructive for others: the woman left her job to take care of the children, began to depend financially on her husband, and, as a result, he stopped taking her opinion into account.
“She kept her dissatisfaction to herself, and after a while she and her husband completely ceased to understand each other,” explains Helen.
3.3. Relationships between spouses are more important than caring for children
French women who have several children do not forget about marital relationships. After giving birth, the couple tries to restore intimate relationships as quickly as possible, and the state supports this desire: for example, intimate muscle training sessions are fully covered by state insurance and are extremely popular in France.
The French have a special time of day that you can spend with your spouse, it’s called “adult time.” It comes when the children go to bed. It is precisely this anticipation of “adult time” that can explain the strictness with which French parents monitor their children’s daily routine. The French are confident that understanding that parents have their own affairs and needs is beneficial for children. “Adult time” is not only the night, but also the children’s vacations, which they spend with their grandmothers in the village, camps where little French people go from kindergarten, as well as vacations on which parents go together.
In France, children from an early age know that their parents have personal space. A child jumping into his mother and father's bed in the middle of the night or in the morning is nonsense. In addition, in most families, children are not allowed to enter the parents' bedroom on weekends.
Virginie is a strict and caring mother of three children. She regularly attends the Catholic Church and pays a lot of attention to her family. However, she does not intend to say goodbye to romantic relationships just because she is a mother. Every year she and her husband go on vacation together, and this trip charges them with positivity and romance for the whole year.
“The relationship between spouses is most important,” says Virginie, “it’s the only thing you choose in life.” You don’t choose your children, but you can choose your husband. Married life needs to be built. The wife is interested in having a good relationship with her husband. After all, when children leave their home, we cannot allow the relationship to go wrong. For me this is the main priority.
3.4. There are no ideal mothers
A non-French mother can be recognized from afar: in the park she bends over the children, laying out toys in front of them, simultaneously looking around the area in search of potentially dangerous objects. Such a mother is the shadow of her child, ready to rush to his defense at any moment. French mothers are completely different - after giving birth they do not lose their “pre-pregnancy” personality. French women will never climb the stairs after their children and will not ride down the slide with three-year-old toddlers. They will sit quietly around the sandbox or playground and communicate with each other. The only exception is mothers whose children are learning to walk.
In American homes, the entire space is littered with children's toys, while the French usually divide the territory into adult and children's areas. However, it’s not just a matter of household order: French women are convinced that a good mother should under no circumstances be in the service of her child and indulge his whims. Even non-working women in France find time for themselves. After sending their children to a nursery or leaving them with a nanny, they go to yoga classes, to a salon, or meet a friend in a cafe. Not a single French housewife goes out for a walk with a child in an old tracksuit and with an unwashed hair. A 2004 study asked French and American women to rate how important it is to put their child's interests before their own. American women rated this need at 2.89 points out of 5, while French women rated it at 1.26.
Women in France have a hard time: society demands that they be successful, sexy and at the same time prepare home-cooked dinners every night. However, unlike American women, they do not burden themselves with a feeling of guilt for not spending every free minute with their child. French women are convinced that even the smallest children need their own world, without the constant interference of their mother.
The concept of “ideal mother” is different for French and foreigners. An article about actress Geraldine Payat was published in a French magazine for young mothers. She is 39 years old and has two small children. The author presents to readers the image of an ideal French mother: “She is the very embodiment of female independence: happy in the role of a mother, but curious and greedy for new experiences, calm in crisis situations and always attentive to children. She is not attached to the concept of an “ideal mother” - according to her, such people do not exist.” The article is illustrated with three photographs: in one, Geraldine is pushing a stroller, smoking and looking into the distance, in another, she is reading a biography of Yves Saint Laurent, and in the third, she is walking with a stroller in a long black dress and stilettos.
Conclusion
So, French children sleep well almost from birth, know how to behave in society, are practically omnivorous and self-sufficient. Pamela Druckerman has a good understanding of the secrets of French upbringing. She communicated with French parents and children and tried, to one degree or another, to “Frenchize” her family life.
First of all, when becoming parents, the French do not ruin their own lives, but adapt the regime of new family members to the existing one. At night it’s time to sleep - and the children sleep, the parents have dinner - and the child is with them. The French do not rush to the child at the first call, but pause, watching him. From birth, the child is perceived as a separate person who needs personal time and space. The child, in turn, respects the parents’ right to “adult time” and privacy.
The French believe that early socialization is good for children. An excellent state preschool education system allows French women to work and children to fully develop in a group of children under the supervision of qualified teachers. The French encourage children to be independent and only praise them for significant achievements. Parents and teachers in kindergartens pay attention to teaching politeness and believe that sometimes it is not harmful for children to fight, but at the same time they should not complain about their comrades.
In France, women are much calmer about pregnancy and childbirth, trust doctors more and have nothing against pain relief. They do not gain tens of kilograms during pregnancy and quickly regain their shape so that they can go to work three months after giving birth. French women do not strive to be ideal mothers and are lenient towards men's weaknesses, which allows them to maintain a balance between work, housework, motherhood and marital relationships.
Pamela Druckerman managed to write a fascinating novel about education in French. Undoubtedly, foreign parents can glean many sound ideas from this controversial but fascinating book.
Pamela Druckerman (born 1970 in the USA) is a journalist, Bachelor of Philosophy, and author of books for young parents. She has five years of experience as a journalist at the Wall Street Journal, worked as a columnist for the New York Times, Mary Claire, etc. She is married, lives in France, and has three children.
Complexity of presentation
The target audience
Parents who want to raise happy children.
French parents raise obedient, polite children who grow up absolutely happy, and the parents themselves do not feel like victims in this process. French mothers adore children, while maintaining both their figure and their career, even if they have babies in their arms. The author describes the phenomenon of French upbringing, vividly and humorously revealing the main secrets of French parents, whose children eat, sleep, and behave perfectly.
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1. French babies
By the age of three to four months, babies sleep peacefully throughout the night, and eat according to an adult schedule. Parents are confident in the intelligence of their children, who are able to get used to autonomy in the first months of life. They carefully watch the sleeping child, without rushing to him if he moves or makes a sound. The mother takes the child in her arms only when he is completely awake. French children eat four times a day, just like adults. Parents teach them to wait four hours between meals.
Children grow up undemanding, they know how to wait in restaurants, in queues, and do not become capricious or cry. The French consider children who receive everything on demand to be deeply unhappy. Everything in baby food is very varied and balanced, there is nothing canned, there is a lot of fish and vegetables. Unlike many countries, in France the first complementary food is not bland porridge, but multi-colored vegetable puree. If the child does not accept it, the parents wait a couple of days and invite him to try again. Food for children is always served fresh or grilled or steamed, but not fried. Children are not forbidden to indulge in sweets; they always know that they will receive something tasty from their mother after dinner, and on holidays they can overeat on pastries and cakes.
French children are neat, always tidy up their toys, and help their parents with cooking and serving. Children prepare their first yogurt pie when they are still very young.
The baby also needs personal time and space. He learns to lie in the cradle alone, fall asleep calmly and wake up without crying. At this time, French mothers take care of themselves in order to please their husbands. At a certain time in the evening, the child goes to bed, and the parents pay attention to each other.
2. Early socialization of French children
Babies are sent to nurseries early, because from the age of four months their parents take them everywhere with them. They do not particularly recognize early development, but try to raise their children to be polite and sociable. The French, who belong to the middle class, are very happy when they manage to place a child in a nursery; they consider it prestigious. In the nursery, children do nothing special: eat, play, sleep. Once a week, a pediatrician and a psychologist come to their groups to monitor the children’s behavior and report the results to parents. The teachers in the nursery are calm, confident, friendly and affectionate.
French kids learn to cope with difficulties early; their parents do not particularly protect them from emotional and physical shocks. Even a five-year-old child has no isolation from the outside world, although the French take great care of children. They allow them to fight and do not tolerate snitching; they do not have the habit of praising children at every turn. In the same way, educators and teachers rarely praise children.
The French do not have a mania for sending children to early development clubs, and they are taught to swim only at the age of six. Children should develop according to internal rhythms, and not artificially forcing their learning. According to the French, the main motivation in any person's life should be pleasure. At the same time, French children grow up polite, courteous, they learn four basic words from an early age: “thank you,” “please,” “hello” and “goodbye.” The French say hello everywhere and demand it from others. A well-mannered child automatically becomes on the same level as an adult.
3. How do French parents live?
The baby quickly integrates into the life of the family, while the quality of life of mom and dad does not suffer. While American women gain a lot of weight during pregnancy, French women, with their love of delicious food, do not gain weight and remain just as attractive. During pregnancy they often have sex. French doctors use medications in maternity hospitals; in general, France is a leader in many areas related to childbirth.
Three months after the birth of the baby, French mothers return to work. But there is a problem of inequality in careers, women rarely occupy high positions and spend more time on housekeeping. But American women more often complain about boyfriends and husbands, while French women show generosity and loyalty towards them.
Marital relations are at the first stage of life for the French; there is even government support that provides insurance for various sessions to restore intimate muscles. Parents have “adult time”: nights, children's holidays, vacations for two. Children cannot enter their parents' bedroom without knocking, and on weekends they especially do not bother adults.
French mothers love to chat with each other while the children play in the sandbox. At home, the territory is divided into children's and adult's areas, mothers go out for walks well-groomed, and if the child stays with a nanny or in a nursery, they always find time to take care of themselves. They have completely turned off the feeling of guilt, even if they do not share every free minute with their child, they are sure that their kids need a world devoid of constant maternal intervention.
Best Quote
“I still strive for the French ideal: to be able to listen to children, while knowing that one cannot bend to their will.”
What the book teaches
The French easily adapt the regime of newborn children to the existing one: children sleep at night, eat and play during the day.
The French believe that early socialization is beneficial for children; they calmly go to work, and the children are supervised by teachers in kindergartens.
From birth, the little Frenchman is a person who needs personal time and space. A child learns from an early age to respect their parents' right to their privacy.
Children should be praised only for outstanding successes; parents encourage their independence.
French women perceive pregnancy and childbirth much more calmly, trusting doctors. It is easy for them to maintain a balance between home, work, children and husband.
From the editor
How can you easily adjust your children’s routine to fit what’s already in the family? Psychologist-consultant, women's coach Alena Ivashina knows a few secrets on how to make the morning cheerful for your baby, so that getting ready for kindergarten or school does not turn into real torture: .
For some reason, it seems to me that you can only write furious reviews about this book if it touches a nerve. If, after reading it, a person realized that he was severely deprived in some way, and this book showed an unknown and missed side of life. Because otherwise, you can simply snort at a book you don’t like, say “nonsense” or “it doesn’t suit me” - but not write lines dripping with venom.
I came across this book when I had already stepped on every possible mistake - the child was already 4.5 years old. I really regretted that Druckerman didn’t write this earlier :-). Because the approaches to education that we have (in Moscow) are actually very similar to the American ones described by Pamela. And the rule is considered to be absurd sacrifices for the sake of the child (or for the sake of the consciousness that “I did EVERYTHING for my child”?). No, really, because everyone has faced this competition - who breastfed longer (and even some “scientific” calculations were attached that every additional month of breastfeeding increases the likelihood of entering a university by 1% - honestly, I’m not joking! ). And these complaints on the forums are about slow-witted husbands who for some reason get tired of waiting for their wives to pay attention to them. And, imagine, the woman complains that this scoundrel (the legal husband, actually) dares to demand intimacy when the child is not even six months old, not realizing that the wife is all about holy motherhood and cannot be distracted by such base things. And the funniest thing is that a lot of sympathizers respond to such complaints - “just about, they say, mine is the same scoundrel!” Are obese, unkempt mothers rushing around with their babies to different development centers for six months - a familiar picture?
I can’t say that I reached the same point - how can I call it softer? - insanity... But it is very difficult to adequately build communication with a child when this child is the first, there is no one to ask, and around you see almost exclusively stereotypes “everything for the child” or “there was no point in giving birth, if now you sometimes want to read a book or just sit at a cup of coffee - WITHOUT A CHILD." Anyone who has read the Searses may remember how they describe a woman who said that her child does not cry because “he has no reason to cry” - and the Searses cite her as an example, a standard or something. And they emphasize that a child under one or two years of age has all genuine needs and must be satisfied immediately - otherwise a “basic distrust of the world” will develop. So my child, up to a year old, almost NEVER cried - because either she got what she needed, or she was distracted by something interesting. But then it became more and more difficult to distract - his character is Nordic, his tenacity is inhuman, and he doesn’t know the word “no”... Brrr. As I remember my life in the period from my daughter’s 2 years to 4 four years old, I don’t even want to remember it. No, as it turned out, I also have a Nordic character. And who is the boss in the house, I finally conveyed to the child - by the age of five... Since then, I quite often feel that being a mother, perhaps, is sometimes not bad :-). But if I had behaved just a little differently since she was born, I believe our life would have been much more pleasant from the very beginning.
I do not consider this book an ideal or standard. For example, I personally like it when my daughter sleeps nearby - at least I know exactly where she is, otherwise options are possible :-). But this book is worth reading, if only as a counterbalance to countless books by apologists for “careful education” and “holy motherhood.”
