Successful league. Secrets of family relationships: how to be a good grandmother How to become a good grandmother for your granddaughter

In my opinion, a grandmother is a very special person for a child. It is she who a child comes to if he has a conflict with his parents, she is the one who will always listen and carefully give advice on what to do, she is the one who cooks borscht or bakes pies best of all. The grandmother will definitely save up for her precious grandson for the gift he most wants, and will always find time to tinker with him in the sandbox or read a fairy tale. In general, a grandmother can fill childhood with magic, kindness and hope.

And those families who have just such a grandmother are lucky. She is not trying to replace her mother and is quite happy with her, albeit not the main, but very, very important role. She has no need to fight for her grandchildren, because she knows very well what a huge place she occupies in their hearts. And she understands that it is too late to raise her adult children - she has already done everything she could. Of course, if they ask, he will give advice; if you don’t agree with something, he will first find out all the circumstances.

The ideal grandmother? Why not?! After all, she has experience, wisdom and patience behind her, which young parents so often lack.

How to love your grandson. Instructions for grandma.

I saw a mother’s question on Facebook about how the child would not leave his grandmother’s side, and the grandmother accused the mother of being jealous. In short, women are confused. I'm a grandmother myself. It's been a little over three years now. And I love my granddaughter Eva very much, and I’m ready to see her hundreds of times a week.

Trouble with outrages, play hide and seek, build towers, knock down Christmas trees and laugh the way only she can laugh. More often we see each other on Skype, and when I don’t come to the children for a long time, I’m overwhelmed by the obsession that the girl might get out of the habit of me, forget me, and treat me like a stranger. Therefore, the desire to fly in and fill all its space is understandable. BUT!

I understand that my number is number two. Initially and always. Number one is mom and dad. Dot. This has nothing to do with love - I love her as much as my son, as his wife Anechka.

My number two is common sense if I want my kids to be happy.

My number two is a way to avoid stupid competition for Eve's love.

My number two is the understanding that the girl did not come into this world so that I could correct the mistakes in raising my own child and make me happy.

My number two is accepting children’s approaches in raising their own child, and not imposing my “invaluable” experience.

Of course, grandmothers are the most experienced mothers. But they should not forget that this experience will not fall on young mothers and fathers. If they ask, I will answer, show, teach. Are they going their own way? Great! I'll look, ask, and learn. Life has changed a lot. I was taught to feed the child semolina porridge, be sure to serve him bread, not to travel anywhere with him for two years, and to put him to sleep, rocking him to sleep. Eva travels with her parents and falls asleep lying in her crib listening to Anechka’s quiet lullaby or her son reading a fairy tale.

Being number two does not mean eliminating. This only indicates the degree of influence of the grandmother on the baby’s life. I am always ready to be there, but without imposing my decisions regarding the upbringing of the girl, without overshadowing the importance of the parents and understanding that they remain the main educators.

In addition, I understand how IMPORTANT it is to agree on what rules I will not break under any circumstances: how to feed the child, how to talk to him, how to dress him, when to put him to bed, what to punish and reward for. After all, mom and dad spend most of the time with the child. Therefore, there is no need to disturb them. And every adult must consciously accept everything you discuss.

At the same time, I know that everyone needs to be consistent: if mom prohibits something, then grandma shouldn’t allow it on the sly. I always remember that children really appreciate my help. I also understand that she cannot harm: there should be peace and tranquility in the family, and normal relations between all of us.

When I see Eva running to meet mom or dad and hanging on them, completely forgetting about me, I quietly rejoice. After all, their love, care, and affection give her a feeling of security, relieve her of irrational fears in the future, form adequate self-esteem and self-confidence, encourage creativity, and program her for success.

It happens that something goes wrong in the family: nervousness between grandmothers and parents, the child reacts inappropriately to one of you, cries when one of you leaves... Sit down and talk. Discuss your approaches. Say what you like and what you will never accept. Agree on the rules of interaction. I'm not discovering America. It's obvious. True, more often people remain silent and move further away from each other.

It seems to me that being a real parent means:

1. Know your child perfectly.
2. Communicate with your child without an intermediary - this includes everything that stands between you and the child: telephone, computer, chewing gum...
3. Have a taste for life - perceive all events only positively.
4. Smile at your child often.
5. Communicate with your baby in a civilized manner.
6. To be a super mom and a super dad, a super daughter and a super son, a super grandma and a super grandpa.

Once upon a time, maybe 10 years – 12 years ago, my son expressed the idea that he wanted me to raise his future child.

“I like the way you raised me, I want him to grow up the same way.”

Most likely he forgot about it. But I remember very well and clearly, and I still feel the warmth of such trust. True, this idea remained unrealized: I am a grandmother, and my number is number two. And the opportunity to experience fatherhood and motherhood turned out to be much more exciting and tempting while traveling through the endless expanses of Life...

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Being a good mother is not difficult. Well, what about grandmothers? After all, no one writes books about how to become the favorite of your grandchildren. Everywhere there are only tips for mothers. And who will teach the older generation? First, remember 15 safe phrases that you should never say:

“I’m older, so I know better”

Believe me, with such words you are more likely to cause irritation in your children and grandchildren, but not respect! Of course, vast life experience can sometimes come in handy. But by uttering this phrase, you literally humiliate a person, as if hiding its second meaning: “You are not mature enough yet!”

“This was not the case in our times”

If you are going to teach your children and give them valuable instructions, then think objectively. Your times are long gone; there is no reason to rely on them or transfer the old rules to the modern world. The planet can change dramatically in a year or two, let alone decades! Throw out of your head everything that has long lost its relevance.

"You don't protect my heart"

There is no need to achieve your goals using such low manipulative techniques. Because eventually your family will get tired of it and they will stop taking any of your complaints seriously. Remember the fairy tale about the boy who cried wolf? That's it!

“Who dresses children like that?”

Or “Is it possible to wear this on the street?” We understand that you do this with the best intentions! But since your parents decided to dress your grandchildren this way, then this must be accepted. In the end, this is not your child; any grandmother has much less rights in raising children than their own mother. And yes: perhaps you are just a little behind modern fashion?

“And I think that...”

“What the child will eventually grow up to be”

Any grandmother passionately adores her own grandchildren. And worries about their distant future. But by uttering such a phrase, you offend both your grandchildren and their parents in the most direct context. After all, it sounds like you seriously think that they can’t cope with parenting, or that they can cope poorly. What kind of mother or father would like this?

"He needs strict discipline"

Discipline is a very subtle matter. There is no need to be afraid that your grandson will grow up to be a sissy if the parents communicate with him kindly and he understands everything.

“I don’t insist, but...”

Note to moms!

Hello girls) I didn’t think that the problem of stretch marks would affect me too, and I’ll also write about it))) But there’s nowhere to go, so I’m writing here: How did I get rid of stretch marks after childbirth? I will be very glad if my method helps you too...

“Of course, I’m not the best grandmother”

Uh, uh! Stop. There is no need to extort recognition of your exclusivity. And stop being jealous of another grandmother. Don't drive wedges into relationships. If there are two of you grandmothers, then you have to live with it.

“I haven’t seen you for three weeks.”

And what? The more you complain, the more it sounds like harassment. Surprise! Your children and grandchildren have their own lives: work, study, friends. Don't pull the blanket of attention exclusively onto yourself. No one has ever loved anyone under duress.

“You are just like your father.”

Or mother. Or a sister, second cousin - it doesn’t matter. You cannot use a comparison with a failed (in your opinion) relative. Any comparisons in a negative way should be excluded.

“Are you sure this is safe?”

Actually yes. Most parents take care of their children. And if their child climbs the horizontal bars like a monkey, they probably thought about what to allow. How to become a good grandmother in our time.

“The neighbor’s son is already five months old”

It’s great if other people’s children are ahead of the pace of development. But you don’t need to transfer this to your own grandchildren. All children are individual and develop differently. And yes, such statements will hurt any mother!

“What are you feeding him?”

Excuse me, but do you really work for the Ministry of Health? Or at least read their current nutritional recommendations? Do you know that no one gives cow's milk to children under one year of age? Then how can you know what is not allowed?

"I live only exclusively for you"

There is no need to live exclusively for someone, this is a veiled accusation. Try to live for yourself. And communicate with younger people only when it is truly a joy for both you and them. Young star grandmothers

We also read:

Our expert - psychologist Yulia Erofeeva.

Among modern grandmothers there is a special “population” - these are women who became mothers in the late 80s, early 90s, and now many of them have grandchildren. They raised their own children, without having the social guarantees they once were accustomed to, and made careers, hard-fought for their place in the sun. At 45-50, they look their best - they go to the gym, spa salons, and dress fashionably. Strong, successful, they with all their hearts want everything to be fine for their adult children, and even more so for their little, beloved grandchildren. But why is this not always possible?

Is it always a holiday?

For a business grandmother, communicating with her grandson or granddaughter is a holiday for the soul. Just like for a child: grandma doesn’t force you to eat porridge or sit on the potty, she appears with a new toy, a fireworks display of affection, drags you to the zoo, doesn’t punish, but allows everything.

But mom and dad often look at grandma with different eyes. The baby fell and hurt his knee, and the grandmother immediately rushed to calm him down, gave him candy, and dad thinks that the child should learn to cope with troubles on his own, mom categorically forbids sweets. Or the child turned on the computer despite the parents’ taboo, but the grandmother defends his curiosity, and so on. Disagreement in education is a typical cause of conflict. Each side is convinced that it is right. The worst thing is that the child finds himself between two fires. How to overcome differences?

There is a simple but very effective way - one day, gather your courage, sit down together at the “negotiating table” and develop a “set of rules”, which will clearly stipulate what is possible and what is not. And even “fine” violators.

By the way, if you approach the matter with a certain amount of humor, then both sides will quickly find a common language, and everyone will even like to act “according to the rules.”

If the clouds gather

Quarrels between a grandmother and young parents can also happen because of too much love for them and her desire to help. For example, she let them go for the weekend, staying in their house and decided to put things in order. And upon returning there was a scandal: “This is our home, we live the way we want, and you even shook up all the personal belongings in the closet!” Well, how can I explain to them that this was done not out of curiosity, but out of goodness? Once something is wrong, another, third - the clouds thicken. In such a situation, one of the most effective methods of overcoming the difficulties that have arisen is still the same - discussing the problems by gathering all family members.

But how can you really do this? Schedule a general meeting on a certain day of the week at a certain time. Today the arbiter is the grandmother, next time - the son-in-law or daughter-in-law, then the grandfather, etc. Everyone in turn expresses what exactly does not suit him and what he can do to fix it. At the same time, no one has the right to interrupt, argue, or condemn him.

And in order to be heard, you cannot say “if” (I can do this if you don’t clean up our apartment) and “but” (I agree to this, but on condition...), but use the “I-statements” technique ”, allowing you to realize your feelings and name them to your partner or others. This constructively changes not only your own attitude towards the situation, but also the attitude of the interlocutor towards it.

On the warpath

Another reason why quite complex problems often arise is the relationship between the spouses’ parents. Most often - between mother-in-law and mother-in-law. Men, as a rule, know how to maintain a neutral position.

The authoritarian grandmother often becomes the initiator of the conflict. A sort of “general in a skirt” is an official, a teacher, a businesswoman in her own professional life, or the wife of a “general” who is accustomed to using cunning moves to build the rules of the game in her own family. Moreover, the reason for the showdown can be anything, from “your daughter doesn’t know how to clean or cook” or “your son doesn’t think that he is the head of the family and should provide for her” to small private moments. The point is not in the reasons, but in how to “resolve” a tense situation.

The root of such conflicts is the grandmother’s internal dissatisfaction,” explains Yulia Erofeeva. - The reason could be serious troubles at work or a tense relationship with her own husband, etc. So she perceives the world around her deliberately aggressively.

What can help? The ideal option is to attract an outside authority, a person with whom you can confidentially discuss what is happening and think about solving problems. It is to him that his loved ones should tell him about the situation and ask him to talk with his grandmother. This could be a pediatrician, or a mutual family friend, or, if the woman goes to church, a priest. It is advisable that this be a man, because what is needed here is not so much emotions as a sincere, but rationally structured conversation. The ideal option is the help of a psychologist, but the woman must come to this herself, realizing the need for such intervention.

And sometimes everything can be solved easier. Invite grandmothers for tea and give each one flowers or an inexpensive, funny souvenir... A step forward on the part of the young reconciles and creates mutual understanding, because a woman, above all, needs sensitivity and love.

And again about money

A business grandmother is often the main breadwinner in a family; she provides financial support to the young, especially if the children are students. And this is a big mistake. Gift money stifles their independence, develops infantilism and irresponsibility. Financial support must be reasonable and targeted. It’s great if you can help with purchasing or renting an apartment, you can buy your grandson food and clothing, diapers, or pay for medical services, but young people must earn their own money for their own needs.

There is no limit to perfection

There are no ideal people and, of course, neither do grandmothers. But the role of a grandmother presupposes life experience and worldly wisdom, so it is you who must think about how to prevent possible conflicts by changing your own attitude to what is happening and improving yourself.

There are several rules to follow:

Do not interfere in the lives of young parents, giving them the right to make mistakes on their own;

-give them advice only when you are asked for it;

- do not hesitate to apologize if you got excited or were wrong;

- learn to calmly but firmly refuse young parents if you think that they expect and ask too much from you;

- you need to keep your own fears for your children and grandchildren to yourself;

- even when “passions are running high”, learn to speak calmly so as not to give a reason to delve into the verbal jungle;

- praise young people more often, noting even their most modest results;

- do not tell your relatives and friends how “unlucky” you are with your daughter-in-law or son-in-law - this will not change anything, it will only drive the negative attitude deeper into your soul, which will be much more difficult to overcome;

- get rid of the thought that you “have done so much for them, but there is no gratitude.” Patience - and you will certainly wait for it!

R Having a baby, especially in a newlywed family, is a serious test for mom and dad. But there are two important people who seriously influence the course of events - these are new grandmothers. Even if one grandmother actively intervenes in the upbringing process, her help can have double consequences.

The arrival of a newborn always a joyful event for the whole family. And young parents, of course, need help to get used to their new role with the least amount of difficulty. But some adult mothers believe that “children” cannot cope on their own. They authoritarianly determine what and how, and often they try to transfer the young mother into the role of nurse.

It’s even worse if two grandmothers use the appearance of their grandchildren as a reason to compete with each other. And then grandmothers overprotect young parents. They shower them with gifts, advice, and impose their presence. But in this competition, the original noble mission is forgotten - helping one’s children, helping a young woman master motherhood. Instead, the older generation tries to play major roles in the child's life.

Subconsciously, the young grandmother is trying to relive her motherhood once again. Tactile contact with a newborn helps to return oneself to the emotional state already experienced in youth. Communication with a small child makes it possible to once again feel like a young mother.

But the birth of a child redistributes roles. A young woman, settling into the role of a mother, tries to grow out of the role of a “child.” The grandmother, using her life experience, begins to conquer leadership positions. This can be an open “power grab”, or it can be a subtle game using skillful manipulation.

Grandma loves it more! Grandma's child eats better! Grandma knows everything! Grandma's child is not sick!– this is how grandmothers explain their active intervention in a young family.

It’s good if the child doesn’t suffer in this game. That is, the grandmother still has a reasonable approach to issues of health, healthy eating and discipline. But if the role of leader in raising a child becomes an end in itself for the grandmother, the child suffers or turns into a moral monster. It all depends on the forms of manifestation of grandmother’s love and care.

Children are excellent intuitives; they very quickly understand the meaning of confrontation between adults and begin to use the situation to their advantage. Already at four or five years old, a child can get his way through blackmail or flattery. It’s even worse if the child begins to speculate on his feelings. "You are bad! I love grandma more!” “Grandma, if you don’t buy it for me... it means you don’t love me!”

At first, the child’s manipulations cause a smile: “Wow! Tough for the weather!” But the years go by, and the child grows up. And over time, his “cute” pranks turn into character traits and qualities, into his life position. Adults must foresee the consequences of their current actions.

How to become an ideal grandmother?

1. Accept yourself as a grandmother. It is grandmothers who are the mothers of a child who also has a child! Remember yourself when you experienced the birth of your baby, how did you feel? What did you need, what did you fear, what did you want? Tell the new mother about this, but explain to her that this is just your experience. It may or may not be useful to her, because all children are different. It is important to show the young mother that you are ready to help her, but at the same time recognize her right to choose and make decisions.
2. In this case, you will not need to impose your opinion. Mommy herself will begin to consult with you.
3. Ideal grandma is a faithful ally of young parents in raising their child. Sometimes it seems that parents are doing their upbringing completely wrong. But this is their child! They decided to bring him into the world, they are responsible for him, they convey to him their vision of the world, they must live their own parental experience And, if you do not agree on something, you must seek a compromise with them. It is necessary to discuss disagreements and present clear arguments.
4. Actions “contrary” to a child lead to confrontation between adults. The child is very uncomfortable in the role of “subject of dispute”, and he suffers in his own way. Or, as stated above, the child joins the game, but uses the situation for his own purposes. He seeks to use adults for his own benefit.
5. Never try to make decisions instead of your parents. The child must know that parents are the “highest authority” for him. Under no circumstances should you discuss parents with your child or give them a negative assessment. Moreover, it is unacceptable to allow a child to do what his parents prohibit, but at the same time say, “grandmother will allow it, but don’t tell your parents.” This behavior is unacceptable, because the child receives a clear example of deception and cunning. And if these qualities become entrenched in the child, one day the grandmother will find herself deceived and used.
6. Parents always have time. They earn money, but they want to live actively, and this is normal. Therefore, they cannot always listen to the child. They do not always notice their mistakes and mistakes. Ideal grandma can smooth out these contradictions. To do this, it is important to remain in a neutral position. You can explain the behavior of adults to a child by finding the positive side in it. Parents can be explained what may be causing their disagreements with their child. Grandma has more patience and more worldly experience. Therefore, the role of an arbitrator, establishing peace within the walls of the house, is the best mission that a grandmother can take on. Learn to be a diplomat!
7. Initially, set yourself the task of becoming a friend of your own little man. See the world through his eyes. Don't try to teach him something, but let him LEARN. Children are endowed with great strength. They understand little, but they feel a lot. They easily find the right solution using their intuition. Therefore, you can learn a lot by observing children. Share his interests, and do not impose yours, this way you will win more love and trust of the little person.

I hope these adviсe will help the young grandmothers avoid some mistakes. Some women take the word grandmother with fear. But other grandmothers are proud that they are mistaken for mothers, and correct them - I am a GRANDMOTHER! You can play any role in such a way that others will appreciate your merits. Being a grandmother - a confidant of a new member of your family - is cool, believe me! This is another gift prepared for a woman.

The summer season will begin soon, and grandparents will have much more trouble. After all, many parents dream of sending their children to the dacha for the summer, or even better, to the village with the people who raised them, and to whom they can entrust the most precious thing - their children.

But this is the joy of most older people. As a rule, their concerns are connected not only with the garden, flower garden and vegetable garden, but also with raising their grandchildren.

However, grandparents are not just people walking with their grandchildren on the street. They, as a rule, know a lot of wisdom that helps in the process of raising children.

What should parents take into account to avoid earning a reputation as annoying old men?

1. Birth of a child. The event is wonderful and solemn. Grandparents may really want to see the heir in the very first minutes of his life, but it is extremely important that the visit to the hospital takes place only after an invitation, because this holiday is primarily for the parents.

2. Clothes. Maybe you think that the newborn will look incredible in the suit you have chosen, but parents may have a different opinion. Therefore, there is no need to insist that the baby wear what you brought.

3. It is likely that the mother of the newborn gained weight during pregnancy and is now thinking about losing weight. You should not start a conversation on this topic. It is also not recommended to give advice on choosing a name. You should not clean the house of a young family before its members return from the hospital, unless you are asked to do so.

4. Ignore parents' demands for hygiene. It may seem ridiculous to ask you to wash your hands frequently or get a flu shot, but it is better to follow these requests. Otherwise, you may be denied access to your baby, or at least not allowed to see him often.

5. Hold a crying baby when he rushes to his parents. If parents raise an already grown-up child in a certain way, do not violate this discipline, even if you disagree with a number of points.

6. Inculcate the habit of sleeping in unsafe positions. Perhaps your own children slept on their stomachs, and their cribs were full of toys and blankets, but your grandson's parents may be against this, so don't argue with them.

7. Tell your parents whether they should stay at home or go to work. Keep your opinion on this issue to yourself.

8. Raise your grandchildren like your own children. Your now adult child probably has a different opinion on this matter.

9. Violate the instructions for potty training your baby. This may be the most difficult period, but the rules established in the family must be followed. You don't want your five-year-old to still be running around in diapers, do you?

10. Baptize a child without the knowledge of the parents. In general, do not impose any traditions on a young family.

11. Giving your child unhealthy treats; no need to stuff him with sweets at the slightest opportunity. What about ice cream, doctors do not recommend eating it every day, plus such indulgence can make it difficult for children to return to a healthy diet.

12. Teach grandchildren without agreeing with their parents on the degree of usefulness of the advice. Your life experience will probably give you a lot of clues about how to behave in a given situation, but parents should familiarize themselves with what you want to offer your little relative.

13. Break the rules of sleep. Yes, it is quite difficult to put a child to bed on time, but you cannot allow them to stay up late.

14. Leave the baby's haircut to the parents. This is especially true for first haircuts.

15. Criticize parents behind their backs. Perhaps, in your opinion, your children make mistakes when raising their offspring. However, this does not mean that you can talk about this to your grandchildren.

16. Taking a grandchild, without asking the parents first, to an event where a significant event will take place in the child’s life. Parents will probably want to do this themselves.

17. Give unsolicited advice about feeding. There are pros and cons to both breastfeeding and bottle feeding. Let young parents make their own decisions.

18. Resort to alternative medicine. If parents see you, for example, putting potatoes in your baby's socks to ease teething, and the baby cries, don't be surprised that you are no longer asked to be a nanny.

19. Encourage or tolerate bad behavior. By following the lead of your grandchildren, you complicate the upbringing process for their parents.

20. Allowing you to watch TV for a long time or sit in front of a computer monitor. Parents will tell you how much time is allocated for such entertainment, and when you can do it. All you have to do is obey.

21. Criticize food choices. Since the grandson’s parents also give preference to fruits, or give their children organic food, you should not express your opinion. At the very least, discuss this privately with your children.

22. Buying clothes without consulting. There will still be time to please your grandchildren with new clothes, but you can lose this opportunity if you ignore the parents’ opinion on this matter in the first years of the baby’s life.

23. Show excessive attention to the appearance of your grandchildren. There’s nothing unusual about approving your grandson’s new hairstyle or praising him for his holiday outfit. However, if you focus too much on appearance, it can lead to an obsession in your child, and you will be to blame!

24. Shower your grandchildren with gifts. A new toy for a birthday, New Year or other holiday is good. But if your grandchild receives a gift every time you come to visit him, your parents will likely ask you to stop.

25. Ask for family celebrations. Not every family event that is connected in one way or another with a grandchild is worth coming to. Wait for the invitation.

26. Allow. You need to understand that keeping a pet is a responsible occupation, plus it requires constant expenses. Therefore, in this matter it is definitely necessary to listen to the opinion of the child’s parents.

27. Compare grandchildren and parents. It may seem to you that compared to their parents, your grandchildren are just angels, but still avoid comparing the former with the latter.

28. Imposing your opinion on holiday traditions. Not all young families want to follow the religious or cultural traditions of their parents.

29. Force you to eat everything on your plate. Poor nutrition is linked to childhood obesity. Why force your baby to eat when he is already full?

30. Repeat your parenting mistakes. It is not at all necessary to raise your grandchildren in exactly the same manner in which you raised your children.

31. Allow grandchildren to do things that their parents forbid them to do. Since parents insist, for example, that you should wear a Panama hat on the beach, and that makeup and tattoos are prohibited, you should listen.

32. Find out the secrets of your parents. Just know that the grandson will tell dad and mom about who wanted to hear from him and what.

33. Pick out favorites. Perhaps you love one of your grandchildren more than the others, so don’t show it.

34. Promise more than you are able to deliver. Empty promises will disappoint children.

36. Demonstrate bad habits. Smoking, drinking and swearing in front of your grandson is strongly discouraged, because you are setting an example for him.

37. Try to replace parents. Perhaps you and your grandson share a special bond. However, remember that you are not the parent.