Why do we beat our beloved children? Early learning of foreign languages

Live and let others live,
But not at the expense of another;
Always be happy with yours
Don't touch anything else:
Here is the rule, the path is straight
For the happiness of each and everyone.
G.R. Derzhavin
"For the birth of Queen Gremislava. L. A. Naryshkin" (1798)

A little girl recently learned to walk and is walking with her mother. She carefully moves her feet and goes where they take her. Mom watches her daughter vigilantly and, if she has moved a considerable distance away from her, she catches up with the baby, picks her up and says, “You can’t go far from mom!” without anger, but sensitively slaps her bottom until the girl begins to whimper. Are you familiar with this picture?

It is impossible to talk about any physical impact on a child by his parents in isolation from the temperament, mental state and general health of both the parent and the child himself. However, in isolation from the general cultural level of the family. What is absolutely unacceptable for some people is ordinary, harmless and non-offensive manifestations for others. Therefore, when someone says that it is forbidden to beat children or, conversely, “no one has ever died from a slap on the ass,” these are just empty slogans, divorced from life, from specific people and the circumstances of their lives.

How and why should you not beat children? From what spanking, under what circumstances did no one die? Various clarifications and additions to these slogans can sometimes radically change and transform the idea they convey. You can’t beat children, but is it possible to crush them morally, humiliate them and insult them with words? A slap on the butt of a six-year-old boy given in public by his father will not physically kill the child. But it can kill any trust in a child’s father for the rest of his life.

In this article, by the word “beat” we do not mean beating a child to the point of unconsciousness, intentionally injuring him, or any kind of violence associated with the pathological condition of an adult. Why this happens is a topic for another discussion.

How to divide physical manifestations towards a child into spontaneous, impulsive and conscious, based on some methodology and rules or simply the tyranny of an adult? Many mothers tell their friends: “We don’t hit our children.” But can each of these mothers swear that, for example, on some rainy day she didn’t kick her child in the ass, screaming in a wild voice for an unknown reason, when the two of them were trundling along tiredly with bags from some shopping trip? Is it possible to separate where the “beating the child” begins and the mother’s “I just can’t stand it anymore”?

Regarding the physical influence on a child by his parents and relatives, there are several opposing opinions of the parents themselves. Each brings his own arguments, which are based mainly on personal experience acquired at a time when this parent himself was small and defenseless. It’s good that many adults remember their childhood and analyze their parents’ upbringing methods. Conventionally, these people can be divided into several categories:

parents who themselves were never touched, humiliated or insulted in childhood, and everything was resolved through negotiations or persuasion;
parents who were not beaten or beaten lightly in childhood, but their children were morally humiliated, insulted, and they sought something from the child by instilling in him a sense of guilt and shame;
parents who in childhood received slaps and slaps, but only for real offenses, and the child agreed with this, while adults did not humiliate or insult him;
parents who had a difficult childhood and who were beaten (hard and painfully and even with a belt), and humiliated, and punished for any reason.

It is easy to guess which of these categories of parents will be categorically against physical force, and which will believe that there is nothing wrong with a slap on the head for a child. The unacceptability of physical punishment arises when it is identified with humiliation, insult, or guilt.

There is nothing terrible in the physical impact itself (if it is not beating, of course). Life cannot be made refined and completely safe. Each of us faces (some less often, some more often) various physical impacts between people, ranging from friendly shoving or wrestling, ending with self-defense or defense of one’s dignity. Anything can happen in life, and it is impossible to isolate and completely exclude physical manifestations, including in the parent-child relationship. No matter how much mothers discuss the topic “is it possible to physically punish your child” on forums, there will always be ardent opponents and equally ardent supporters of physical punishment, and no one will convince each other of their truth. And all only because both have diametrically opposed experiences and understandings of what physical influence and punishment are. For some, it is identified with humiliation of the child, while others perceive physical impact simply as a parent’s protest against the child’s behavior. And if an adult is conscious and thoughtful about his relationship with his child, then he will strive to save him from the negative experience that he himself once experienced in childhood. Or the parent may not even ask himself how to behave with the child; he simply accepts the model of relationships that he saw in his own parents towards him.

The most controversial category is those of parents who were beaten very badly in childhood, who lived in destructive families, which left a heavy imprint on their personality. Those who were able to rise above the oppression in which they lived as children and overcome the chaos in their souls sown by their own parents will find a clear answer to the question “to hit or not to hit.” They won’t even lay a finger on their child. Those who could not overcome this relationship model will create its exact copy.

Often mothers spank their child or slap him on the head precisely as an addition to pointing and edifying words. To consolidate, so to speak. Thus, they are trying to develop a conditioned reflex in the child. If the mother said that you can’t go far, then if the ban is ignored, the child will be hurt. And in the future, as the mother thinks, the child will have a strong association: “it’s impossible” - “it hurts.” This is a pedagogical mistake. It is possible to develop such a conditioned reflex in a child only for a while. A child is not an animal; he needs to be taught, not trained. And it is necessary to help him adapt to the surrounding space. Moreover, the reflexes and temperament inherent in a child by nature have a much stronger influence on his behavior than the conditioned reflexes that parents try to instill in him.

If a mother does not want to give up the tactics of developing conditioned reflexes in her child, over time she will have to increase the dose of physical punishment or supplement it with moral influence (humiliate, frighten, oppress). Will the mother get any acceptable result in changing her child’s behavior from such a struggle? But her child will certainly receive numerous mental traumas and complexes.

Mother often verbally declares that she never beats and will never beat her little blood. But it so happens that all good intentions fly away like smoke when a mother, in a fit of anger, from fatigue, irritation or any other negative emotions, is unable to resist physically influencing her child. Having come to her senses, she begins to feel guilty about the baby. After all, she knows how her baby feels; she herself may have once experienced all this herself. Thus, in such scenes, unconscious attitudes laid down in childhood are realized. After all, mother understands everything with her mind, but still acts, just as her parents did with her.

It’s good if a mother who wants to change her current relationship scenario with her child realizes that often her good intentions and decisions to keep herself within certain limits in critical situations do not always help. It is the tracking of such frequently repeated episodes that can help the mother move from automatic (unconscious) reactions to those manifestations that the mother wants to express in the presence of the child. However, it is also worth considering that it is impossible for a long time to suppress the anger, rage, and irritability that every parent experiences from time to time towards their child. Such an internal ban on negative emotions can lead to both somatic diseases (migraines, chronic fatigue, etc.) and lead to sudden, seemingly groundless outbursts of rage and anger with varying degrees of destructive consequences. The child will perceive this as a deep injustice towards him. Therefore, a mother should not suppress her anger and desire to hit her child, but realize and recognize her right to do so. And it’s up to her to decide whether to hit or not, depending on the situation. It would be better, of course, if she chooses “not to hit.” There are many ways to transform aggression and destructive energy into something more creative. For example, a mother understands that she wants to hit her child for something. You can speak out loud about your condition and your desires. Or you can, for example, wash the dishes, iron the laundry, or anything else of her choice. Some mothers may object: “How am I going to wash the dishes when everything is bubbling and raging inside me because this tomboy is doing this?” In this case, you can break a couple of plates and wash the remaining ones. And healthy humor, and the awareness that there are no ideal children and no ideal parents, will help find a way out for any destructive energy.

Also, every parent should understand that his own life filled with positivity, creativity, joy and development will destroy any negativity within the family in general, and in relationships with the child in particular.

An acute desire to hit your own child can often be regarded as a symptom of an internal psychological or emotional disorder and trouble in the person himself.

For a child, a family is a small model of the society in which he will someday have to live independently. Family relationships are a kind of simulator for a child. The family can teach him that if someone offends you, makes you angry or deliberately irritates you, then you can (as a last measure of defense!) hit your offender. There are families where children do not dare to defend themselves from attacks from adults and older children. And then they cannot fight back against offenders in kindergarten or school. The child becomes a potential target for ridicule and insults. And in a critical situation outside the family, the child finds himself completely defenseless against violence. Those. motto: "You can't hit children!" elevated to an absolute, it can do a disservice in developing methods of self-defense in the child himself.

On the other hand, if parents allow themselves to show some form of force in relation to the child, then they should not be offended and take seriously if the child hits her in response to a slap on the head of the mother. In this way he protects his dignity and, therefore, will be able to defend it in communication with other people.

The most effective way to get away from forceful interaction with your child is to transfer the relationship from the position of “adult-junior”, “educator-student” to the position of friendship and cooperation. This is a difficult path that requires the participation of all family members. But parents following this path are unlikely to raise their hand against their little friend who is being overpowered. And if she gets up, the child will definitely forgive and understand that the mother is very tired and is also upset about something. Anything can happen in life...

Discussion

I sometimes spank a child, but without anger, more to get through to him when he doesn’t want to hear.

In connection with the topic of this article, I remembered one episode from Carlos Castaneda’s book “Journey to Ixtlan”.
I will give it here in full. Another look, as they say...

"Don Juan and I were just sitting and talking about this and that, and I told him about one of my friends who was having serious problems with his nine-year-old son. The boy had lived with his mother for the last four years, and then his father took him in and immediately I was faced with the question: what to do with the child? According to my friend, he could not study at school at all, because nothing interested him, and, in addition, the boy had absolutely no ability to concentrate. The child often got irritated for no apparent reason. behaved aggressively and even tried to run away from home several times.

“Yes, there really is a problem,” don Juan grinned.

I wanted to tell him something more about the child’s “tricks,” but don Juan cut me off.

Enough. It is not for us to judge his actions. Poor baby!

This was said quite sharply and firmly. But then don Juan smiled.

But what should my friend do? - I asked.

The worst thing he can do is force the child to agree, don Juan said.

What do you mean?

The father should under no circumstances scold or spank the boy when he does not do what is expected of him or behaves badly.

Yes, but if you don’t show firmness, how can you teach a child anything?

Let your friend arrange for the child to be spanked by someone else.

Don Juan's proposal surprised me.

But he won’t let anyone even lay a finger on him!

He definitely liked my reaction. He grinned and said:

Your friend is not a warrior. If he were a warrior, he would know that in relations with human beings nothing can be worse and more useless than direct confrontation.

What does a warrior do in such cases, don Juan?

The warrior acts strategically.

I still don't understand what you mean by this.

Here's what: if your friend was a warrior, he would help his son stop the world.

How?

To do this he would need personal strength. He must be a magician.

But he's not a magician.

In this case, it is necessary for the picture of the world to which the boy is accustomed to change. And he can be helped with this by ordinary means. This is not yet stopping the world, but they will probably work no worse.

I asked for an explanation. Don Juan said:

If I were your friend, I'd hire someone to spank the kid. I would search the slums thoroughly and find there a man of the most terrible appearance possible.

To scare the baby?

You're stupid, just scaring in this case is not enough. The child must be stopped, but the father will achieve nothing if he scolds or beats him. To stop a person, you need to press hard on him. However, you yourself need to remain out of visible connection with the factors and circumstances directly related to this pressure. Only then can the pressure be controlled.

The idea seemed ridiculous to me, but there was something in it.

Don Juan sat with his left arm leaning on the box and resting his chin on his palm. His eyes were closed, but his eyeballs moved under his eyelids, as if he was still looking at me. I felt uneasy and I said:

Maybe you can explain in more detail what to do to my friend?

Let him go into the slums and find the worst bastard, only younger and stronger.

Don Juan then laid out a rather strange plan for my friend to follow. It is necessary to make sure that during the next walk with the child, the hired person follows them or waits for them at the appointed place.

At the first misdemeanor of his son, the father will give a sign, the tramp will jump out of ambush, grab the boy and give him a good beating.

And then let the father calm the boy down as best he can and help him come to his senses. I think three or four times will be enough to dramatically change the boy’s attitude towards everything that surrounds him. The picture of the world will become different for him.

Wouldn't being scared hurt him? Won't it cripple your psyche?

Being scared doesn't hurt anyone. If there is anything that cripples our spirit, it is constant nagging, slaps in the face and instructions on what to do and what not to do.

When the boy becomes sufficiently controllable, you will tell your friend one last thing; let him find a way to show his son the dead child. Somewhere in a hospital or morgue. And let the boy touch the corpse. With your left hand, anywhere except your stomach. After this, he will become a different person and will never be able to perceive the world in the same way as before.

And then I realized that all these years don Juan had been using similar tactics against me. On a different scale, under different circumstances, but with the same principle at its core. I asked if this was true, and he confirmed, saying that from the very beginning he tried to teach me to “stop the world.”

01/25/2011 23:32:11, reader.ru

It is very important to understand why we hit our children. After all, deep down in their souls, all parents feel that hitting is bad. Why then is it still possible for us?

They beat me too.

This is scary. The generation of beaten children endured, grew up and now considers their childhood pain as a possible argument to justify their own cruelty to the child. My heart aches, but I still ask: “You were beaten. And what - did you really like it? Really, even if it was for the sake of it, at least one beaten child after the beating confidently declares to his mother or father: “You did the right thing! I deserve it. Got it for the job. Now I understand everything. I won’t do it again!”?

Do we really believe that no one dreamed of escaping this punishment, this pain and humiliation? Remember how many tears were shed into the pillow, how much anger rose in the child’s heart from injustice and its irreversibility. Of course, this can be survived. And many survived. But why let your child experience what you once feared most? I walked home with a two in my diary and... I was afraid.

Today, when we have grown up and consider ourselves decent and good, we look back and forgive our parents. And it is right. But this is not a reason to repeat the same mistakes with your children. Obviously, not everyone who was beaten forgave their parents and grew up kind and good.

What if he doesn’t understand otherwise?

This is a very common question and very worrying. In an attempt to explain something important to our child, we parents seem to be ready to do anything. Our despair at failure to forcefully solve problems in communicating with a child is ready to push us to madness. Tell us that a child will understand better in the electric chair, and in despair and with tears we will put him there and believe that, really, he will understand better this way.

Or not? Or is there something that will stop us? I myself have often asked this question. Am I ready to admit that my child really doesn't understand me right now? Am I ready to accept what he doesn't understand? Accept, don’t push and leave it as it is without judging it? Do I understand that my child is still good, even if he doesn’t hear me on an important (by the way, important to me) issue?

I began to remember myself as a child, how my understanding worked, how moments came in which I suddenly realized what my parents or teachers had been explaining to me for quite a long time. Any understanding does not come immediately, but as we are ready for it. Often what is said in other words brings new meaning, which was so lacking in order to fully understand it before. At the same time, adults themselves perceive the experience of others, from which it is customary to encourage children to learn, to be much worse than their own.

We worry that a child will get hurt if he takes a knife, will die if he leans too far out of the window, will get into trouble if he is not careful on the road. We are afraid of this and instill instructions in the child - a guide to action, completely not noticing that he is not ready on his own wavelength and does not want to hear it in such a volume. We take the belt in desperation and fear.

But in fact, in our anxiety, we forget about ourselves and our role - that we, parents, are the people who should be with our child all the time until he learns everything he needs to know about safety, peace around him while he is just learning, trying to learn, and is completely defenseless.

Everything will work out much more successfully if the mother herself makes sure that the knife is in a place inaccessible to the child, and the acquaintance with the knife takes place under the mother’s supervision and at an age when the child is ready to learn to use it and understand that the knife cannot be a toy. It’s the same with the road, and with the window, and with a whole list of other situations in which we try to solve the problem by suggestion and then by beating.

At the same time, beating does not guarantee a deeper understanding of the child about what can and cannot be done. Beating is just an act of physical punishment, a reason for further shame, fear, resentment, even hatred. But no understanding of the essence of things.

If we are talking about older children, then, of course, they will understand why they were punished, although the reasons for such cruelty will clearly not be clear to them. It turns out that the child will receive his own negative negative experience, which will tell him what is not allowed, what is bad, why they beat him. Negative experiences do not show the child what is good, what is possible and necessary, what is positive, where and how one can apply one’s imagination, knowledge, and skills.

Such an experience, on the contrary, limits the child’s personality development and slows down his energy for aspirations. It is often important to show the child the direction of his movement, and not to put a prohibitory sign - don’t go here. Here it is important to redirect his attention, to find words, joint activities, interests, and not to prohibit with a terrible belt what cannot be done.

Perhaps you need to be patient, you need to feel that the child is not able to understand something today, notice his individuality, figure out why he does not understand what seems obvious. Perhaps we are mistaken about the obviousness of these questions for him. Perhaps we do not find the words that he is ready to understand. Perhaps the child requires a more detailed story, and not just “don’t touch, don’t hit, don’t tear.”

This requires our parental work - the work of a loving mentor, but not an inquisitor. Or perhaps we take our difficulties, failures, and experiences out on him. In any case, a detailed conversation with the child about our feelings towards him, about the situation, about our true desires will help. It is unlikely that we want to beat the child, but rather we want to show him how much we are concerned about his behavior. It would be more honest to say this directly. Tell me in detail, as honestly as possible. A child will understand us much better than any adult. He will appreciate the trust that we place in him with such a conversation very highly and will remember it for a long time.

I don't have enough patience.

Terrible reason. It’s scary because it allows you to justify almost any action of an adult. But, unfortunately, it does not answer the main question: why? Why don't you have enough patience for your child?

A child is the meaning of my life. This is the biggest and most important thing I have. Why then do I not have enough patience for him, for his upbringing? Why do you have enough patience for the stupidities and mistakes of other people? It turns out that the child, his life, his interests are not my priority. Am I deceiving myself and others when I talk about how dear and dear they are to me? So, is there something more important in my life that I will always have patience for?

It was difficult to admit this to myself. Finding double standards and deceit in yourself is difficult and painful. But these findings allow us to move forward in understanding and change. They honestly show reality and do not give the opportunity to make mistakes.

As for patience, here I found many ways to help myself: from a global understanding of the meaning of my life, analysis of the true state of affairs in the family, in my own soul, to sometimes the most everyday recipe. Once upon a time, I redistributed my time and found time for my personal relaxation. I realized that 15 minutes in the bathroom in the evening is also relaxation - time to collect my thoughts, remember the day, what worked and what didn’t, reconsider difficult situations, try to change my attitude towards them, time to make plans for tomorrow.

I also began to pay attention to the time that I devote to children.

I spend the whole day with the children, we have working grandparents, we live separately, my husband comes home from work after eight in the evening, and, of course, I’m really tired with three kids alone. At some point, I caught myself paying little attention to them. I go with them to different classes, we really have very varied and interesting leisure time.

I take them for long walks on the playground. I cook, feed, read. I sculpt, I draw. How can it be that I pay little attention to my children? I've been looking for an answer to this question for some time. And I realized that everything I do is an excellent addition to the main thing. And the main thing is personal communication, without any specific goal, just because you want to be together.

These are the moments when mom sat on the sofa, the children clung to her, and she strokes them, kisses them, fusses with them, talks to them about what interests them now. At these moments you can tell your mother that you really want a doll. And it’s expensive to trust her that you understand that you have a lot of toys and often receive gifts, but you still want that doll that’s in the pink bath.

At these moments you can talk about a boy in the pool who is tall and has black hair. Maybe about the girl drawing and about the fact that the teacher was wearing a funny skirt today and all the boys were laughing. This is the time for stupid children's conversations, when I suddenly realize that I found myself in a whimsical children's world, they accepted me here as one of their own, equally dividing their children's secrets, experiences and scraps for dolls.

And there can be no greater happiness than stroking your child’s hair while he crawls all over me, trying to get comfortable and push his brother off! This is life... real, beautiful, bright... Only ours and our children.

Ecology of life. Children: It is very important to understand why we hit our children. After all, deep down in their souls, all parents feel that hitting is bad. Why then is it still possible for us?

It is very important to understand why we hit our children. After all, deep down in their souls, all parents feel that hitting is bad. Why then is it still possible for us?

They beat me too.

What if he doesn’t understand otherwise?

This requires our parental work - the work of a loving mentor, but not an inquisitor. Or perhaps we take our difficulties, failures, and experiences out on him. In any case, a detailed conversation with the child about our feelings towards him, about the situation, about our true desires will help. It's unlikely that we want to beat the child, but rather we want to show him how much we are concerned about his behavior. It would be more honest to say this directly. Tell me in detail, as honestly as possible. A child will understand us much better than any adult. He will appreciate the trust that we place in him with such a conversation very highly and will remember it for a long time.

I don't have enough patience.

I also began to pay attention to the time that I devote to children.

I spend the whole day with the children, we have working grandparents, we live separately, my husband comes home from work after eight in the evening, and, of course, I get really tired with three kids alone. At some point, I caught myself paying little attention to them. I go with them to different classes, we really have very varied and interesting leisure time.

This might interest you:

Slapping a child on the bottom, as they say, “for the job” is a common occurrence in Russian families. And it’s good if this happens in a loving way, for the purpose of a reminder. But there are families where children are truly beaten. Why is this happening? The next story is about this.

Mom was in the kitchen preparing dinner for the head of the family, and at that time 5-year-old Anya was sitting at the table. In front of her was her favorite delicacy: scrambled eggs and sausage. But the girl either turned to the side, then jumped up, or made faces. Mom tolerated her behavior for some time, restraining the irrepressible desire to yell at her daughter and spank her properly. But the woman restrained her anger and calmly said:

- Don't you want to eat? Then go play, and I'll give your dinner to the dog. And since you don’t like this dish, I will never cook it for you again.

Mom was about to take the plate when Anya screamed:

- No, mommy, I’ll eat everything now!

Anya became quiet, and after 10 minutes the plate was empty.

There are many similar situations. We want to spank the child, taking out our anger on him, but in return we can also receive anger and hostility. Why not act wiser? Psychologists have proven that you can only spank a baby until he is a year old, when he is not yet aware of himself as an individual and is not capable of being offended.

At an older age, any blow is perceived as a personal insult. Fear arises in children; they are afraid of their parents. But after all, dad and mom should serve as a bastion of safety and reliability? Does our reckless behavior deprive us of support from our children in old age?

Let's compare how parents in other countries treat their children, although there are extremes everywhere. Thus, in America, even a parental spanking can cause a child to complain and neighbors or relatives to go to court to deprive a father or mother of parental rights for beating a child. It’s also too much, but anything can happen.

In Japan, children are allowed absolutely everything up to the age of 7, and only older children are subject to restrictions. It is believed that at this age a child learns everything, and after 7 years discipline begins. True, in this country there is a very strong reverence for elders, so children simply cannot disobey their mother or father.

Which parenting model should you choose?

The golden mean. You can lovingly spank a 2-3 year old child, but hitting a 5-6 year old child, especially in the presence of other people, is a direct insult. With elders you need to act with words, persuasion, or, rather, an agreement. And if the baby does not fulfill the requirements common to all family members (indulges at the table, does not want to put things away, etc.), he will lose his favorite entertainment or pleasure. Know how to negotiate without depriving your baby of a sense of security.

The question of why completely normal parents (not drug addicts, not alcoholics) beat their children and bully them has many answers. Look below in the sad list - perhaps something concerns you personally, and you are able to change it.

Reasons why parents hit their children

Tradition

Many parents take the Russian proverb “Teach a child while he lies across the bench and stretches out lengthwise - it’s too late to teach.” To teach means to flog. Perhaps people are confused by the mention of a child lying on a bench. How can you teach someone lying on a bench? On his butt, on his ass!

Indeed, in Russia, flogging occupied an honorable place in the education system - birch porridge (rods) was fed to children in peasant families, merchant families, and noble families. Often not even for a specific offense, but for preventive purposes. Let's say that in the house of some merchant Erepenin, the sons were flogged on Fridays - throughout the whole week, probably, there would be something for it.

In fact, the meaning of this proverb is that you need to raise a child while he is small. When he grows up, it will be too late, that is, it will be useless, to educate him. But the choice of methods of education is the responsibility of the parent.

Until now, many parents do not understand how they can avoid beating their children. Not to beat means to spoil (also folk “wisdom”). So they beat without hesitation, often without even malice, but only wanting to fulfill their parental duty. They also hang the belt on a nail as a reminder of retribution for pranks.

By the way, flogging children for educational purposes was accepted not only in Russia, but also in enlightened Europe. But this practice was condemned long ago, and in general, it’s the 21st century. It's time to use new technologies!

Heredity

They beat me, and I beat my children. A very common reason is that violence begets violence. Such people take out their resentment against their parents on their children. Or they simply don’t imagine that it is possible otherwise. When you tell them that you can’t beat a child, they answer: “They beat us, and that’s okay, we grew up no worse than others, and maybe better. None of us are drug addicts, not a thief.”

Therefore, take pity on your future grandchildren today - do not beat your offspring so mercilessly.

Poor vocabulary

Many parents grab the belt like a life preserver. Their vocabulary is so poor, their thoughts are so short, so short that they don’t cling to each other - the gears in the brain don’t turn, the thought process stalls. Where can we explain to children why they can’t do this? It's easier to give a belt.

Sometimes a person himself admits (at least in his heart) that in order to talk with a child he lacks some basic knowledge and simple thinking skills. Then he needs to make an effort on himself and engage in self-education. Well, at least consult with colleagues who have children of the same age, read magazines for parents. You'll see that your vocabulary will be enriched and it will become easier to talk with children. If the parent is completely stupid and at the same time angry, he will continue to beat him.

Feeling of insignificance

Sometimes your own child is the only person who, roughly speaking, can be punched in the face. For example, a man of about forty is a coward by nature, and at the same time a terrible bore and pedant. There are not enough stars in the sky, he has not made a career, but for some reason he is convinced that life is unfair to him. At work, he despises his boss, but does not dare tell him about it, and is forced to silently obey. He is untenable in bed with his wife, after every failure he gets angry with her and sulks for two days. I don’t get along well with my colleagues either, I have no friends. No one is afraid of him, no one respects him. And here is a ten-year-old son - he didn’t wash his cup after himself, and he didn’t put his slippers in the hallway exactly parallel. The father swings - he sees fear in his son’s eyes, and hits with pleasure. And then with the same pleasure he listens to the babble: “Daddy, daddy, I won’t do it anymore...” The son is in his power - how can he not take advantage? After all, he has no other power besides his father’s, but he wants to have it - unreasonable ambitions stifle him.

In such a situation, it is best if the child’s mother finds the courage to reason with her husband. Since he is a coward, he can be intimidated by publicity (if you touch the child again, I’ll tell all your relatives and call you at work), divorce. The mother must show her strength and actively stand up for the child. After all, the reasons for beating for this type of father are usually petty and even ridiculous. If such a dad is given free rein, he will turn from a bore into a domestic tyrant. Then at least run from home.

Sexual dissatisfaction

There are people who cannot achieve sexual satisfaction in the “usual way”. For example, some married couples must quarrel before intimacy in order to later experience the sweetness of reconciliation and make the sensations more acute. They especially love to organize this circus in public. Let's say they come to visit friends - at first everything is fine. By the end of the evening, they sit in different corners, first they squabble, then she dances with someone else’s husband, he nervously smokes, drinks too much, and goes outside. He's gone for half an hour - she's calm, even happy. An hour later he begins to get nervous and asks his friends to “bring back Seryoga.” Then everything goes according to the long-known scenario. The friends, swearing and grumbling, catch a taxi and go to the station, where Seryoga sits in the waiting room - waiting for them (although he says that he is going to leave wherever his eyes look, as long as he is away from his wife). They try to persuade him, then they simply force him into the car and bring him to his wife. She is all in tears, throws herself on her husband’s neck, and the happy lovebirds’ friends in the same taxi send them home - to their bed as quickly as possible. And so every time they gather in company. Everyone laughs at them, everyone is tired of them, but this is their carrot-like love.

It is much worse if a child turns out to be the “pathogen”. For example, a mother is itching in the morning, she finds a reason, screams at her seven-year-old daughter, starts hitting her, and this gets her going. When he reaches the desired condition, he stops hitting. After this, he immediately sits the girl on his lap and presses her to her chest. She simply experiences sensual pleasure when she hugs and takes pity on her beaten daughter.

Such parents certainly need the help of a specialist. Only they don’t want to address this issue until they completely kill the child.

What result do you want?

Sometimes parents beat their children, so to speak, formally, without passion. There are no parental complexes behind this, the only goal is to force them to obey or punish for an offense. The blows are not strong and do not cause physical harm to the child. And the child is not offended by dad or mom, because he knows that he got it for the job.

Did you know that children can experience pleasure from hitting? A lot has been written about this in the specialized literature. For example, the French philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau admitted to such feelings in his Confessions. The governess spanked him, placing him on her lap and pulling down his panties. The touch of a palm to a naked body gave an 8-year-old child pleasure. No wonder children and lovers go! - play punishment, spanking each other (you did something wrong, I will punish you). Hitting the buttocks (with a palm, a belt, a towel) can quite arouse sensual pleasure in children, irritating the sciatic nerves. As a result, you and the child you are spanking form a sadomasochistic couple. Is this what you wanted when you started corporal punishment?

One more word of caution. If you are in the habit of handing out spankings and slaps on the back of the head to children under the heat of the moment, be very careful. First, remove the rings from your hands. If you hit him on the head with a massive wedding ring, you can make the child cross-eyed. Secondly, watch where the child is - you can push awkwardly and hit a corner or a sharp object. Third, try not to hit at all. Have a conscience: you and your child are in different weight categories. He is defenseless in front of you. Killing children through negligence is a very real thing.

Moral violence

Sometimes children answer the question: “Do your parents beat you?” They answer: “It would be better if they beat me.”

What can you do to a child to make him respond like that? Alas, sometimes moral violence is more dangerous for a child than physical violence. The guilty child is insulted in every possible way, forced to ask for forgiveness from his parents for a long time and humiliatingly, to write some explanations and oaths on a piece of paper. Someone doesn’t talk to a child because of a trifle, until the unfortunate child begs: “I’m sorry!” Some parents force you to bow at their feet and kiss their hand. Someone strips me naked and makes me stand like that in the middle of the room, with my hands at my sides. In general, people’s imagination works, it’s pure creativity.

In any case, physical impact is always moral violence, and moral bullying can cause harm to the physical and mental health of a child.

Is it possible to do without punishment at all in the educational process? I think no. The main thing here is not to turn punishment into violence against the child’s personality. Let's talk about this in the next article.