Why being a grandmother is just as cool as being a mother. Secrets of family relationships: how to be a good grandmother “of course, I’m not the best grandmother”

So this miracle happened!
I became a grandmother. But this is funny!
Usually a grandmother with venerable gray hair,
The eyes sparkle with unearthly kindness...
I'm a grandmother, it's hard to believe. But!

I will become the best grandmother in the world!
I will learn how to make jam and compote,
And I will relax with my grandson every year,
Well, in winter, write songs about summer.

We will be surprised with him,
The taste of life, gradually comprehending,
And my granddaughters will grow up playing,
And life will become brighter and brighter.
I have become a grandmother now...
Olga Melnikova.

Good morning to everyone who stopped by! Today I wanted to go back a little and remember the day when my daughter called and told me that I would soon become a grandmother. “Have you realized?”: asks me? No! Of course not. All nine months I listened to myself. What changed? Yes, it seems like nothing. Well, I'll become a grandmother. Grandma is also a person!

And so he was born! When we picked up our daughter and grandson from the maternity hospital, our son-in-law made us laugh. He was very worried and interested in what they would feed him now, bearing in mind that his wife, as a nursing mother, would have to give up a lot.

And so they took out this little sniffling lump. Vanya take two. All daddy's grimaces. Now, Tanya’s features are already visible, but then - a copy of dad. Of course, at first I came to help, but, to be honest, not often. My daughter did a great job on her own.

My husband kept saying: wait, he’s still little now, but when he grows up, it will be more interesting to be with him. What stupidity! We enjoyed every moment. After all, tomorrow he will no longer be the same as he is today.

Remember, grandmothers, is your attitude towards your grandchildren different from your attitude towards your children? Maybe yes. I was responsible for my daughter as a mother. But because I was young, I probably didn’t feel afraid that I would do something wrong. When Styopa was born, I immediately told my parents that I would spoil him, that’s why I’m a grandmother, and you raise him.

I love it when my grandson comes to visit me, we play, paint, and sculpt from plasticine. Or rather, I sculpt, and he breaks. We play with cars, move pebbles, and misbehave. But I also breathe a sigh of relief when his parents come for him. And so on in a circle.

When Tanya went to work, Styopa was one year and three months old. We all sit in turns. Me, my mom and dad with my uncle. The second grandmother, unfortunately, lives in another city and rarely comes to visit, but Skype will help us. At least this way you can observe the development of your grandson.

And he has already become big and interesting. And you have to follow him with your tail, making sure he doesn’t get into something he shouldn’t. And, probably, only now, when I began to spend more time with him, did I realize that I had become a grandmother. I really didn’t want my grandson to call me that. Better just by name. But the son-in-law firmly stated: “I will teach my son to call you grandmother!” And now you won’t scare me with this. Grandma is such a grandma!!!

Now he is two years old and is a little positive boy. The daughter at his age was terribly serious, but this little insect always beams with a smile. And I started laughing very early. My daughter said that at three months he was already laughing, but I heard it much later. He may burst into laughter. You know, there are people to whom you show the finger and they will laugh.
In the summer at the dacha we sat with our grandson and mother on the terrace, the weather was wonderful. We still didn’t understand the reason for the laughter, but suddenly, looking at the forest, he began to laugh contagiously. We couldn't resist and joined in.

When he was six months old, Tanya’s classmate came to visit them with her seven-month-old daughter. Stepa really liked this girl. I watched a video in which the girls captured the meeting of two little people, without sound (the phone was malfunctioning), even without sound it was clear how happy he was and simply choked with laughter. See for yourself.

Our expert - psychologist Yulia Erofeeva.

Among modern grandmothers there is a special “population” - these are women who became mothers in the late 80s, early 90s, and now many of them have grandchildren. They raised their own children, without having the social guarantees they once were accustomed to, and made careers, hard-fought for their place in the sun. At 45-50, they look their best - they go to the gym, spa salons, and dress fashionably. Strong, successful, they with all their hearts want everything to be fine for their adult children, and even more so for their little, beloved grandchildren. But why is this not always possible?

Is it always a holiday?

For a business grandmother, communicating with her grandson or granddaughter is a holiday for the soul. Just like for a child: grandma doesn’t force you to eat porridge or sit on the potty, she appears with a new toy, a fireworks of affection, drags you to the zoo, doesn’t punish, but allows everything.

But mom and dad often look at grandma with different eyes. The baby fell and hurt his knee, and the grandmother immediately rushed to calm him down, gave him candy, and dad thinks that the child should learn to cope with troubles on his own, mom categorically forbids sweets. Or the child turned on the computer despite the parents’ taboo, but the grandmother defends his curiosity, and so on. Disagreement in education is a typical cause of conflict. Each side is convinced that it is right. The worst thing is that the child finds himself between two fires. How to overcome differences?

There is a simple but very effective way - one day, gather your courage, sit down together at the “negotiating table” and develop a “set of rules”, which will clearly stipulate what is possible and what is not. And even “fine” violators.

By the way, if you approach the matter with a certain amount of humor, then both sides will quickly find a common language, and everyone will even like to act “according to the rules.”

If the clouds gather

Quarrels between a grandmother and young parents can also happen because of too much love for them and her desire to help. For example, she let them go for the weekend, staying in their house and decided to put things in order. And upon returning there was a scandal: “This is our home, we live the way we want, and you even shook up all the personal belongings in the closet!” Well, how can I explain to them that this was done not out of curiosity, but out of goodness? Once something is wrong, another, third - the clouds thicken. In such a situation, one of the most effective methods of overcoming the difficulties that have arisen is still the same - discussing the problems by gathering all family members.

But how can you really do this? Schedule a general meeting on a certain day of the week at a certain time. Today the arbiter is the grandmother, next time - the son-in-law or daughter-in-law, then the grandfather, etc. Everyone in turn expresses what exactly does not suit him and what he can do to fix it. At the same time, no one has the right to interrupt, argue, or condemn him.

And in order to be heard, you cannot say “if” (I can do this if you don’t clean up our apartment) and “but” (I agree to this, but on condition...), but use the “I-statements” technique ”, allowing you to realize your feelings and name them to your partner or others. This constructively changes not only your own attitude towards the situation, but also the attitude of the interlocutor towards it.

On the warpath

Another reason why quite complex problems often arise is the relationship between the spouses’ parents. Most often - between mother-in-law and mother-in-law. Men, as a rule, know how to maintain a neutral position.

The authoritarian grandmother often becomes the initiator of the conflict. A sort of “general in a skirt” is an official, a teacher, a businesswoman in her own professional life, or the wife of a “general” who is accustomed to using cunning moves to build the rules of the game in her own family. Moreover, the reason for the showdown can be anything, from “your daughter doesn’t know how to clean or cook” or “your son doesn’t think that he is the head of the family and should provide for her” to small private moments. The point is not in the reasons, but in how to “resolve” a tense situation.

The root of such conflicts is the grandmother’s internal dissatisfaction,” explains Yulia Erofeeva. - The reason could be serious troubles at work or a tense relationship with her own husband, etc. So she perceives the world around her deliberately aggressively.

What can help? The ideal option is to attract an outside authority, a person with whom you can confidentially discuss what is happening and think about solving problems. It is to him that his loved ones should tell him about the situation and ask him to talk with his grandmother. This could be a pediatrician, or a mutual family friend, or, if the woman goes to church, a priest. It is advisable that this be a man, because what is needed here is not so much emotions as a sincere, but rationally structured conversation. The ideal option is the help of a psychologist, but the woman must come to this herself, realizing the need for such intervention.

And sometimes everything can be solved easier. Invite grandmothers for tea and give each one flowers or an inexpensive, funny souvenir... A step forward on the part of the young reconciles and creates mutual understanding, because a woman, above all, needs sensitivity and love.

And again about money

A business grandmother is often the main breadwinner in a family; she provides financial support to the young, especially if the children are students. And this is a big mistake. Gift money stifles their independence, develops infantilism and irresponsibility. Financial support must be reasonable and targeted. It’s great if you can help with the purchase or rent of an apartment, you can buy your grandson food and clothing, diapers, or pay for medical services, but young people must earn their own money for their own needs.

There is no limit to perfection

There are no ideal people and, of course, neither do grandmothers. But the role of a grandmother presupposes life experience and worldly wisdom, so it is you who must think about how to prevent possible conflicts by changing your own attitude to what is happening and improving yourself.

There are several rules to follow:

Do not interfere in the lives of young parents, giving them the right to make mistakes on their own;

-give them advice only when you are asked for it;

- do not hesitate to apologize if you got excited or were wrong;

- learn to calmly but firmly refuse young parents if you think that they expect and ask too much from you;

- you need to keep your own fears for your children and grandchildren to yourself;

- even when “passions are running high,” learn to speak calmly so as not to give a reason to delve into the verbal jungle;

- praise young people more often, noting even their most modest results;

- do not tell your relatives and friends how “unlucky” you are with your daughter-in-law or son-in-law - this will not change anything, it will only drive the negative attitude deeper into your soul, which will be much more difficult to overcome;

- get rid of the thought that you “have done so much for them, but there is no gratitude.” Patience - and you will certainly wait for it!

In my opinion, a grandmother is a very special person for a child. It is she who a child comes to if he has a conflict with his parents, she is the one who will always listen and carefully give advice on what to do, she is the one who cooks borscht or bakes pies best of all. The grandmother will definitely save up for her precious grandson for the gift that he most wants, and will always find time to tinker with him in the sandbox or read a fairy tale. In general, a grandmother can fill childhood with magic, kindness and hope.

And lucky are those families who have just such a grandmother. She is not trying to replace her mother and is quite happy with her, albeit not the main, but very, very important role. She has no need to fight for her grandchildren, because she knows very well what a huge place she occupies in their hearts. And she understands that it is too late to raise her adult children - she has already done everything she could. Of course, if they ask, he will give advice; if you don’t agree with something, he will first find out all the circumstances.

Ideal grandma? Why not?! After all, she has experience, wisdom and patience behind her, which young parents so often lack.

How to love your grandson. Instructions for grandma.

I saw a mother’s question on Facebook about how the child would not leave his grandmother’s side, and the grandmother accused the mother of being jealous. In short, women are confused. I'm a grandmother myself. It's been a little over three years now. And I love my granddaughter Eva very much, and I’m ready to see her hundreds of times a week.

Trouble with outrages, play hide and seek, build towers, knock down Christmas trees and laugh the way only she can laugh. More often we see each other on Skype, and when I don’t come to the children for a long time, I’m overwhelmed by the obsession that the girl might get out of the habit of me, forget me, and treat me like a stranger. Therefore, the desire to fly in and fill all its space is understandable. BUT!

I understand that my number is number two. Initially and always. Number one is mom and dad. Dot. This has nothing to do with love - I love her as much as my son, as his wife Anechka.

My number two is common sense if I want my kids to be happy.

My number two is a way to avoid stupid competition for Eve's love.

My number two is the understanding that the girl did not come into this world so that I could correct the mistakes in raising my own child and make me happy.

My number two is accepting children’s approaches in raising their own child, and not imposing my “invaluable” experience.

Of course, grandmothers are the most experienced mothers. But they should not forget that this experience will not fall on young mothers and fathers. If they ask, I will answer, show, teach. Are they going their own way? Great! I'll look, ask, and learn. Life has changed a lot. I was taught to feed the child semolina porridge, be sure to serve him bread, not to travel anywhere with him for two years, and to put him to sleep, rocking him to sleep. Eva travels with her parents and falls asleep lying in her crib listening to Anechka’s quiet lullaby or her son reading a fairy tale.

Being number two does not mean eliminating. This only indicates the degree of influence of the grandmother on the baby’s life. I am always ready to be there, but without imposing my decisions regarding the upbringing of the girl, without overshadowing the importance of the parents and understanding that they remain the main educators.

In addition, I understand how IMPORTANT it is to agree on what rules I will not break under any circumstances: how to feed the child, how to talk to him, how to dress him, when to put him to bed, what to punish and reward for. After all, mom and dad spend most of the time with the child. Therefore, there is no need to disturb them. And every adult must consciously accept everything you discuss.

At the same time, I know that everyone needs to be consistent: if mom prohibits something, then grandma shouldn’t allow it on the sly. I always remember that children really appreciate my help. I also understand that she cannot harm: there should be peace and tranquility in the family, and normal relations between all of us.

When I see Eva running to meet mom or dad and hanging on them, completely forgetting about me, I quietly rejoice. After all, their love, care, and affection give her a feeling of security, relieve her of irrational fears in the future, form adequate self-esteem and self-confidence, encourage creativity, and program her for success.

It happens that something goes wrong in the family: nervousness between grandmothers and parents, the child reacts inappropriately to one of you, cries when one of you leaves... Sit down and talk. Discuss your approaches. Say what you like and what you will never accept. Agree on the rules of interaction. I'm not discovering America. It's obvious. True, more often people remain silent and move further away from each other.

It seems to me that being a real parent means:

1. Know your child perfectly.
2. Communicate with your child without an intermediary - this includes everything that stands between you and the child: telephone, computer, chewing gum...
3. Have a taste for life - perceive all events only positively.
4. Smile at your child often.
5. Communicate with your baby in a civilized manner.
6. To be a super mom and a super dad, a super daughter and a super son, a super grandma and a super grandpa.

Once upon a time, maybe 10 years – 12 years ago, my son expressed the idea that he wanted me to raise his future child.

“I like the way you raised me, I want him to grow up the same way.”

Most likely he forgot about it. But I remember very well and clearly, and I still feel the warmth of such trust. True, this idea remained unrealized: I am a grandmother, and my number is number two. And the opportunity to experience fatherhood and motherhood turned out to be much more exciting and tempting while traveling through the endless expanses of Life...

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When my long-awaited, very desired grandson was born, PANIC began to grow from an avalanche of a wide variety of emotions. I'm a grandmother!!! This can't be true! Life is over. That’s it, this is the end of me as a woman, because now I’m a ba-bush-ka. A scarf (never worn), a creepy-colored ankle-length skirt (and in the wardrobe there are more and more mini or mid-knee length), slippers (what about my stilettos?!), gray curls (highlights and a very short haircut), fairy tales (I don’t remember none, “Ryaba Chicken” and “Kolobok” do not count).

I saw my grandson through the window. I was interested in looking at the new family member, but all this was not perceived as reality. Before my daughter was discharged from the maternity hospital, she had to gather herself into a bundle. I think it worked. Externally. It seems that I even almost managed to stop the trembling in my hands when I touched the tiny hand for the first time at home. And then, with my 27th feeling, I realized that I was being given an amazing chance. Re-experience the discovery of the world with a new person, only on a completely different level. Naturally, a more or less intelligible formulation came later, and then I looked at this fragile, defenseless creature and absorbed the feeling of miracle with my whole being.

And life really changed

Firstly, weekends and holidays were filled with meaning. No boring dilemmas about where to buy groceries, what to cook, taking a walk or surfing the Internet. I came to understand my need. Perhaps my physical help was not so important to my daughter and son-in-law, but my grandson definitely needs his grandmother. What would it be like without her (meaning without me)? Who will make stupid sounds that make a three-month-old baby laugh so hard that his parents come running from the kitchen? Who will make faces? Who... But you never know these grandmother’s “who?”

Secondly, we began to discover the world together: look, WHAT a snowflake is! Look how fast the stream runs and babbles so merrily. Oh, you see, the buds will bloom soon. Wow, the first daffodil has bloomed! And wow, there it is, there’s such a ball on the tree - it’s a nest, it was built by a bird. Without hands, imagine! Wow! What a downpour! And this beauty is a butterfly, look how velvety her wings are. Don’t be upset, baby, the leaves will grow again in the spring, but now everything is so bright and festive.

I was amazed at how it was possible not to see or feel all this. And boldly hold out a shiny beetle on the palm of your hand (to me, who screamed at the top of her lungs when she saw an insect on her clothes). And discover new corners in a city as familiar as your own kitchen. And it turned out that a lot is possible. You can ride downhill, on carousels, on amusement rides, mess around in puddles, play snowballs, climb fences and trees, run races and return home, covered to the very top of your head. It’s impossible to count everything. And don’t care at all whether someone likes it or not. I'm with the child!

We have become a real family

The relationship with my daughter and son-in-law began to develop completely differently. It turned out that the son-in-law and mother-in-law are capable of living quite peacefully in any territory and, contrary to popular belief, not spitting poison at each other. Seeing how skillfully my daughter took care of her son, I realized that the girl had become an adult. My children always treated each other with respect and love, but I felt outside of this space. Perhaps unfounded. Spending quite a lot of time together, united by a common “cause,” we became closer. And now I feel involved in this “circle of initiates.” Which I value very much.

They are very caring, loving and advanced parents. Of course, I will never reach the level of knowledge and skills of my techie dad and the erudition of my inventor mom, who is constantly learning something, but I don’t shy away from everything new that civilization gives us. The children say that for my grandson I am an authority. Maybe they're right. I didn't strive for this. I just really loved my grandson and his parents and really wanted to become a good friend to the baby.

What about the stilettos?

Everything is in place! I am not fixated only on children and grandchildren. I have my own life, including the one that is called personal. At 51, I do yoga, chat with friends, and treat myself to a facial massage in a salon. I love to cook something delicious for no reason. I go to concerts and exhibitions. I am developing, studying at courses and seminars. I visit my old mother and help her. There is enough strength and energy for everything. Because, among other things, I am a GRANDMOTHER, and this is cool. This means the next time my grandson says to me: “Who’s first to the end of the track?” - I will answer: “Come on!” And we will race to the perplexed glances or bright smiles of passers-by.

From the editor

If you believe that having grandchildren will turn you into an old lady, then most likely it will happen. After all, there are already studies proving that our thoughts can influence the structure of DNA and lead to aging. Practicing psychologist, teacher and translator Nikita Dmitriev gives several recommendations on how to change your negative attitudes in order to stay young and beautiful longer: .

If you want to be not only a grandmother to your grandson, but also a truly close person, we recommend reading the book by the famous American family consultant Gary Chapman "5 ways to a child's heart". We have collected the key ideas in the review: .

How to prolong youth and feel cheerful in the second half of life, so that you have enough energy to communicate with your grandchildren, and to engage in creativity, and to do other pleasant and useful things? Americans Henry Lodge and Chris Crowley talk about this in their book “The next 50 years. How to deceive old age". Read our review, which contains key recommendations from the authors: .

“WHAT IS HE WEARING?”

Whether it's an Iron Maiden T-shirt, a Gucci suit, or an Adidas tracksuit, it's none of your business how your grandson dresses. Criticism is appropriate only when he is still very small and he is clearly uncomfortable from the heat or cold.

“WHAT DO YOU FEED HIM?”

At least Pringles chips. This is not your child. Let the parents deal with the consequences themselves. After all, weren’t you the one who believed in mashed banana cookies for your three-month-old daughter in the late 70s? Same thing.

"HE NEEDS STRICT DISCIPLINE"

Discipline is a very subtle matter. There is no need to be afraid that your grandson will grow up to be a sissy if the parents communicate with him kindly and he understands everything.

“I WOULD NEVER ALLOW MYSELF”

Comparisons are pointless. Your grandson is not you. And if you don't want to eat crayons, move away and let him have more.

“ARE YOU SURE THIS IS SAFE?”

Actually yes. Most parents take care of their children. And if their child climbs the horizontal bars like a monkey, they probably thought about what to allow. How to become a good grandmother in our time.

"IN MY TIME"

Yes, this can be the start of a fascinating memory, but it sounds like a hidden criticism. And then, times have changed. You didn't have iPads, and you wouldn't send a child playing with a wooden sword in a cornfield.

"I DON'T WANT TO INTERFERE, BUT"

You've already intervened. And without permission. Be careful in your criticism, think twice - is it necessary?

“OF COURSE I AM NOT THE GOOD GRANDMOTHER”

Uh, uh! Stop. There is no need to extort recognition of your exclusivity. And stop being jealous of another grandmother. Don't drive wedges into relationships. If there are two of you grandmothers, then you have to live with it.

“I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU FOR TWO WEEKS”

And what? The more you complain, the more it sounds like harassment. Surprise! Your children and grandchildren have their own lives: work, study, friends. Don't pull the blanket of attention exclusively onto yourself. No one has ever loved anyone under duress.

"I LIVE EXCLUSIVELY FOR YOU"

There is no need to live exclusively for someone, this is a veiled accusation. Try to live for yourself. And communicate with younger people only when it is truly a joy for both you and them.