I don't trust my man. How to trust your husband

How to let go of the fear of new relationships and learn to trust men again?

Does regaining trust depend on how much he disappointed you and the number of pieces into which your heart was broken? Where can I get a guarantee that he won't do it again?

I am sure that many of you women will want to know the answers to these very similar questions.

Do you want to know where they came from in this article? From my mailbox and personal consultations with women who asked for help in solving problems that arose in their relationships. Including help with regaining lost trust:

“How can I learn to trust a man after what he did to me?”
“My ex, how can I trust men after this?”
“I met a man through the Internet, he LIED to me and tried to force me to send him money. How can I trust guys again after this?”
“I thought my boyfriend wanted the same happy future together that I did. But instead of proposing to me, he broke up with me. I dedicated my best years to him and received nothing in return.”

I'm sure there are many similar complaints.

How to learn to trust men after this?

Many women with hearts that need healing are stuck somewhere between the assumption that “all men are bastards” and the increasingly fading hope of meeting the prince on his thorny path in life.

If you've ever felt this way, continue reading this article and find out how just 3 simple steps will teach you to trust men again, no matter how badly your heart was hurt in the past.

Step 1. Stop confusing trust in a man with hope for a meeting "Prince Charming"

Let's start with a simple question.
What's happened "confidence"?

So how? There's an answer? Does it fit in 10 words or less? Or did your heart begin to beat desperately, and your brain was simply confused by fragments of phrases that come to mind? I have asked this question to many women and almost all of them have found it difficult to say what it means to them. "confidence" to a man. Why?

Because (this may sound a little cruel) from a male point of view most women can't learn "trust" men, because they simply do not know the meaning of this word.

Let's take a look at the definition of this word from the dictionary:
Trust (verb): to rely on or have confidence in someone or something.

As a man I can say that for me "trust" means to someone to be confident that he or she will...
– do what he says;
– act in accordance with your nature;
– my cover in conflict or matters of the heart;
– try to cause me trouble as little as possible and respect my decisions.

"Confidence" does not (and cannot mean) that, which he (really!) doesn’t even know about. Yes, there are different experiences in relationships, different situations from the past that have made it quite difficult for you to learn to trust men again.
Especially if you were in a relationship that ended with the betrayal of your husband or loved one. But consider that it cannot represent all men in general.

And here is the first truth for you: many women think that they "will never be able to trust a man again" will not be able to find someone worthy of her trust , because they are looking for "Prince Charming", which we dreamed about as little girls. But who said that a man can only be trusted if he could become the prince from your childhood fantasies?

Do you really expect a man to treat you like a Goddess, not look at other women, shower you with gifts, be the perfect lover, tell you his deepest secrets, slay dragons for you, want what you want what he wants, even if he doesn't really want it? ( The last words made my brain start to melt, despite the fact that I constantly hear about these ordinary female desires). If this is the case, it will be difficult for you to find and trust a man who meets the above.

Step 2. Forgive yourself for allowing a man to destroy your trust

The reason many women have problems trusting men is not because "all men are assholes" or something like that... The reason is shame. Didn't your face just turn red? Mine turned red. Why? Because shame is a terrible emotion and a very powerful word.

Let's look at why women are afraid to trust a man. There are reasons for this:

1. Fear that if you give a man the power to hurt you (and loving someone means giving it), you will be hurt and devastated again. Your subconscious says: “The last time I trusted a man, he hurt me. If I no longer trust men, then they will no longer be able to hurt me!”.
2. Shame, which comes from realizing that you were stupid to trust a guy who broke your trust (or simply couldn't live up to your expectations).

That’s why you frantically start looking for information in a search engine, checking your credit history, criminal history and compatibility by zodiac sign for every man you like even a little.

That's why You try to find reasons to refuse any relationship, even when they haven’t started yet. Because your subconscious doesn't want to feel like you again "wrong".
And from the point of view of your subconscious "mistrust of a man" actually guarantees that you will never again be ashamed of yourself for feeling stupid for trusting the wrong guy again.

That is why You need to forgive yourself now.

If you don’t know how to learn to trust men again, then most likely you are angry with yourself for allowing yourself to be hurt. And the only way to forgive yourself is to understand why you trusted in the past and admit it.

I’ll give you a hint: I assume that they believed because they wanted to be loved.
A to be loved means to give another person the power to hurt you.

If a man has hurt you in the past, do not think that you can no longer trust any male human being. It only means that in that particular case you took a risk, and that risk could not reward you with the eternal love that you dreamed of.

Listen to me: - does not mean to be "stupid", no matter how much he may have betrayed you or hurt you. There is nothing shameful in succumbing to ordinary human desires.

And again we return to the question “How to learn to trust a man?”.
You need to forgive yourself!

Go into the bathroom, stand in front of the mirror, look into your eyes and say to yourself: “I know you are ashamed and hurt and angry about what happened because of this man, but you did everything with the best intentions and I forgive you.”.

After this you will really feel better. And you might want to cry. Have a cry. Don't hold back.

Step 3. Eliminate "words of the victim" from your dictionary

What's happened "words of the victim"?

"Words of a Victim"- these are the words that take away your vitality and make you feel humiliated, insulted, offended. For example, let's burn on "beloved" for everyone the topic: Deception.

1. No one can make you a victim except you.
2. No one can make you happy except you.
3. No one can make you feel anything but you.

Making yourself victim, You give the man who disappointed or betrayed your trust all the power over you. But if you stop using "words of the victim", then take your destiny into your own hands.

That's all you need

Let's summarize what needs to be done to solve the problem called “How to learn to trust men again”:

- understand what trust is
– forgive yourself for allowing yourself to be deceived (offended)
– stop seeing yourself as a victim

Thank you for your attention and patience. I hope that I didn’t waste a lot of time writing this material and now you are at least three steps closer to understanding how to trust a man.
After all, this is one of the most important conditions for a truly harmonious relationship.

I look forward to your comments under this text!

With love,
Yaroslav Samoilov

The most interesting articles by Yaroslav Samoilov:

Is distrust of a man a wake-up call or a wasted worry? Let's figure it out.

He gives flowers, takes him to the cinema, and became friends with his mother. A dream, not a boyfriend. It’s just that an incomprehensible worm is gnawing at you. There seems to be no reason. But I don’t trust it.

How to understand whether you are fantasizing or should you listen to your intuition?

Honesty brings people closer together

I will say a simple, but not always obvious thing. Trust is strengthened by honesty and openness. Mistrust - hushing up rough edges and discontent. And this is the contribution of both partners.

Katya asks Seryozha: “What is your relationship with Yulia?” Seryozha is frightened by Katya’s possible anger and, looking down, answers: “We have been friends for many years.” Katya's downcast gaze and uncertain tone make her distrustful. She decides not to continue the uncomfortable conversation, and the worm we already know settles inside.

Who is to blame for this situation? Both. Seryozha did not tell the truth that Katya’s question took him by surprise and he was afraid of Katya’s jealousy. But Katya did not share her fears with Seryozha.

If Katya and Seryozha were honest with each other, they would find a lot in common: that they are afraid of pain, have experience of jealousy and betrayal, and are angry with previous partners. This would become the basis for rapprochement, not conflict.

When to sound the alarm

It's okay to not trust your partner. If you've known each other for a couple of months, it's natural. He did not cover your back during reconnaissance and did not call an ambulance for you during an attack of appendicitis. And if you’ve known each other for a year or ten years, you still don’t know each other like crazy – this is an illusion. People change all the time – you can’t keep track of them.

When there is no trust in a couple, it is difficult to build a stable relationship

What should you be wary of? Inability to talk frankly. Any honest conversation looks like this: 1) what I see, 2) what I feel and 3) what I want.

“I see that you communicate a lot with Yulia. I feel restless. I want you to explain to me why you are such close friends.”

“I see that you are worried about my communication with Yulia. I am also concerned about this - once a girl left me due to suspicions of infidelity, although there was no infidelity. And I don't want to lose you. I want you not to rush to judge me and to understand that Yulia and I have been friends for many years, but there has never been anything other than friendship between us.”

It’s difficult and painful to talk like that. You have to open up and sometimes tell the ugly truth. Show your partner vulnerable spots. Fear that they will be hit.

But let's be honest: you probably want a strong and stable relationship. Do you need a relationship in which there is a lot of subterfuge, lies, embellishment, and falsehood? If not, then you will have to try.

Do you know what one of the reasons for male infidelity is? Lies? Betrayal? Of course, you can talk for a long time about the fact that there are no normal men, look for the guilty and feel sorry for the victims. But in fact, very often in my practice I come across the fact that the reason for such situations in family life is distrust of the husband.

After my patients hear such a “verdict,” a lot of objections and denial begin. Like, I trusted him, I wasn’t jealous of every skirt, I didn’t mess with my phone, but he still cheated, the bastard. And my theory looks erroneous and absurd in their eyes. But when we start to analyze the situation, it turns out that they:

- They work in hard and unloved work only so that if something happens (!) they are left with a means of subsistence;

— They save money secretly from their husband “just in case” (you never know how things will turn out);

- They have “backup options” - fans who would like to be in the place of their husbands;

— They don’t let husbands go to the bathhouse/fishing/bar with friends.

But many of these women have been married for more than ten years and are raising several children together. And they didn’t even ask themselves before how to learn to trust their husband, because they sincerely believed that they already trusted him!

How can you understand that you don’t trust your husband? There are several distinctive characteristics of distrust. So you don't trust if:

— Do you think that you and your husband are unlucky, that there are better options somewhere;

- You admit the idea that your marriage is not durable;

— Do you want to provide yourself with financial protection or insurance in case of divorce;

- You admit the idea that your husband may have a mistress;

“You don’t want to let your husband go anywhere, you think that he should be “under supervision.”

“You don’t allow him to make decisions, you contradict him in everything and argue with him.”

If you want to understand how to learn to trust your husband, then, first of all, you must realize that trust is not only associated with jealousy, as is commonly believed. It's something more. Trust in everything. Through life. After all, it very often happens that a husband goes “to the left” only because his wife did not believe in him, for example, as an entrepreneur. I thought that nothing would work out for him. She didn’t believe it, which means she didn’t trust it. It is the same. Or she constantly reproached him, criticized and condemned him. And he could not stand such an attitude towards himself. Such distrust and non-acceptance of him as a person. Therefore, in order to begin to truly trust your husband, you need to:

- Accept him as he is. With all its shortcomings;

- Be grateful to God and fate for such a husband;

- Learn to respect your husband for the good that he certainly has;

- Forgive your husband for his actions that once offended you;

— Develop your feminine nature, reveal your femininity.

Additionally, if you are wondering how to learn to trust your husband, it is important to forgive not only him, but all the significant men in your life, starting with your father. Since grievances against other men do not allow your heart to open up, they block the trust that would be the key to your family happiness.

For example, you grew up in a family where your father constantly cheated on his wife, that is, your mother. Naturally, a program was launched in your subconscious that, since you have not seen anything else. And the fact that you attracted a husband who also cheated on you is just a consequence of this program. It makes no sense to be offended by him for this, or even worse - to get a divorce. Since the next applicant will continue to implement this generic program. You need to work with yourself, not with him. With your ideas about men, with your grievances against your dad. Claims. Accusations.

If your husband cheats on you, you are definitely learning a lesson in your life. What a lesson - you should understand. Acceptance, trust, respect. There are several options, but they all boil down to one thing - working on yourself. All you have to do in order to learn to trust your husband is to forgive him, forgive all men and accept your husband for who he is. See him as a hero, a knight, a protector. The person you once fell in love with and said, “I do.”

I very often hear how women become... When there is a husband, but for some reason he doesn’t need anything, he doesn’t want anything, he can’t do anything. And so on. And then the woman puts on a super-cloak and becomes a super-woman. She carries children, home, work and husband with her and does not know how to trust a man.

But since the female body is not designed for such exhausting work, sooner or later she comes to a loss of strength, illness and hatred. The hatred, of course, is directed at the husband. Who did not fulfill his duty. And of course, no woman is capable of experiencing happiness in this position.
This is already becoming a modern trend - men watching TV with beer and exhausted, strong women laden with their clothes.
Why is this happening
There are many reasons for this phenomenon. In particular these include:

1. A woman is not aware of her role in this world. Most often due to their own upbringing. You can read about this
2. A man also does not realize his role - and also as a result of his upbringing (And here we, women, can only help indirectly - by fulfilling our duty and inspiring our husband)
3. A woman does not respect her husband - you can read
4. A woman is not completely faithful to her husband; she never chose him completely. It's written about this
5. A woman criticizes her husband and takes away his energy - about this
6. A woman does not fulfill her duties - I wrote about this
7. A woman doesn’t trust her husband – this is what this article is about.
8. A woman does not inspire her husband -

Since the only person we can change is ourselves, we will start everything with ourselves. And now I want to write about trust. This is a very important component of any relationship. But in the family it has the most important role.

If we were preparing to be wives from childhood, we would know about the peculiarities of the psyche of men. And then it would be clear that love for men is trust. Whereas we consider caring to be love.

It is important to stop giving each other what you would like to receive yourself. And it's also important to think about the other party's needs instead. This is the first step towards change. And this step is very important.

For a man, love is faith.

Behind every great man there is always a woman who believed in him. First it is the mother, then the wife. For Richard Branson, for example, it all started with his mother. And he writes a lot about this in his books. His mother always believed in him, and this gave him strength. Salvador Dali had a Gala. Mikhail Gorbachev's name is Raisa Maksimovna. For Pushkin, it all started with his nanny, Arina Rodionovna. And so on.

And the opposite is true - every man who did not become great, or became a tyrant, always has a woman who did not want to believe in him. Behind every alcoholic and drug addict there is often either a mother or a loved one who did not want to believe in him. Did any woman believe in Hitler, Stalin, Chikatilo?

You can imagine Life in the form of a skyscraper, in which, in addition to the upper floors, there is exactly the same deep multi-story basement. And when we enter the ground floor, we need to decide whether we are going up or down.

Everything would be very simple, you could stand still. But we are standing on an escalator that is moving down. And to stay on the ground floor, you need to go up.

You could say that the woman has a remote control for such an escalator. And with this remote control we can make it slow down, stop or even go up. But if we don’t show men, they have only one way left – down.

Our faith can give men the strength to run up that escalator and reach floor after floor. And this is the most important thing we can do for them.

If we start caring instead of believing, then the escalator begins to move down even faster. It seems to us that this is how we express our love. This is how we take care of our sons for a very long time, not allowing them to make mistakes. We ask my husband to go to the store and write a detailed list on 4 pages.

Men need our care too - cooked dinner, washed and ironed shirts. But if there is no faith behind this concern, it is useless.

How to learn to trust a man (your husband).

1. In order to change something, you must first fully accept what is.
This is the most difficult stage, because you need to accept everything about your husband, including his income level, education, interests, living conditions (for example, lack of an apartment). This doesn't mean we don't want more. But we agree that it is. If you nag your husband for ten years because of living space, then the whole family will not be happy with any palace. And if we live in love in a communal apartment, then our own home is not far off. Rejection kills love and trust immediately, in one blow.

2. A person can only take on the responsibility that is given to him.

We can endlessly nag our husband, but if we don’t give him responsibility, he won’t be able to take it. Giving up responsibility is not easy. Not only do you need to transfer some responsibility, but you also need to stop monitoring its implementation.

I’ll give you my example - my husband has such a responsibility as going to the market to buy groceries. Previously, I was very worried about whether he would buy everything, whether there was enough, I wrote huge lists and was very indignant because he did not bring everything. And then he stopped doing it. The amount of my favorite fruits and vegetables in the house has decreased. Now I don’t write lists, I voice my wishes beyond the usual. And now he brings everything you need. And sometimes he even pampers me with something beyond what is necessary. He carefully selects the fruits, so they are never tasteless or rotten.

Only when I gave him responsibility for this did he take it.

3. There are several important points in transferring responsibility.

• It is important to give and relax without being attached to the result.
  That is, what he buys, we will eat. If he doesn’t buy carrots, I’ll come up with another dish. If I didn’t wash the dishes well, we’ll eat from what we have. If I think about the result, worry about it or find myself dissatisfied with it, it means that I have not fully given responsibility
• It is also important to praise and encourage.
  Everyone loves to receive positive feedback. We ourselves always wait for compliments and the word “thank you” from our husbands. Therefore, it is very important to be grateful for everything your husband does.
• You need to praise your husband for his actions
  This is how male nature works - “You did a great job washing the dishes” is much better than “You are so caring.” And again, it’s immediately clear what needs to be done to be praised again.
• If you can’t relax - for example, dishes with a greasy coating irritate you, then you need to do it yourself. And it is your responsibility for the choice you make.

4. It is important to realize your benefit from this situation.

It is always there, but always unconscious. If it weren’t for her, the situation wouldn’t exist. For example, a strong woman may be very proud of her strength and endurance. In the same way, she can punish herself for some sins. Or maybe this is out of solidarity with my mother, for example, who lived alone all her life. There is always a benefit, and it is important to find it.

5. And when we understand this benefit, it is important to give it up.

Or replace it with something. For example, start being proud not of your strength, but of your weakness. And it’s better not to be proud at all, but to be happy :) Or rewrite the script - if, for example, a woman’s strength is passed on from generation to generation.

6. Next step - you need to see the good in your husband.

To do this, I usually recommend writing a gratitude journal for your husband. And every day write down at least 10 points of his good qualities and actions. Because men become what we think of them. Whatever qualities we focus on, those are the qualities they exhibit. And this applies not only to men :)

Service is when we unselfishly fulfill our duty to a person.

We fulfill his needs. The main thing here is to understand the difference between desires and needs. Tasty and healthy food is a necessity. And the first, second, third and compote for breakfast is already a desire. When we indulge every desire of another person, we only corrupt him. A child who is bought everything he wants will not appreciate those who do it for him, and will also not take care of what he receives. A man who doesn't know how to open a refrigerator will sooner or later find another woman.

And usually after all this there is a desire to believe him. And there are even opportunities too. Although this is a long way - in our society of strong Russian women, the huts burn and burn, the horses gallop and gallop...

And the man gets wings. They believe him, which means they love him. This means there is someone to do great things for!

Trust is the basis of happy family relationships. This is the opinion that not only psychologists come to, but also all those who are married.

But, unfortunately, trust is a fragile thing, like a crystal vase: one careless movement and only fragments remain. And then we run to a psychologist with loud statements “I don’t trust my husband.” Or we ask for advice on social networks.

Where does mistrust come from?

Trust is an essential component without which no normal human relationship is possible. Be it friendship, love, family, etc. If you don't trust your partner, then you constantly expect some trick from him.

This means you are constantly in a nervous and stressful state. But this also means that you have long since taken off your “rose-colored glasses” and are ready to face trouble one on one.

You may not trust your husband for a number of reasons:

1. Deplorable experience of previous relationships.

Have you already been married, and this union broke up due to your husband’s infidelity? Or, back at the age of 17, when your first love washed over you, your chosen one was playing a “double game”, dating your friend?

In any case, you still have negative experiences from past relationships that haunt you to this day. And your husband may be a model of fidelity and devotion, but your inner “I” cannot forget the past and learn to trust the present.

2. Forgiven, but not forgotten.

And it also happens that your husband stumbles and cheats on you, humiliates you, insults you. Or he committed some other act that sank deeply into your soul. Time passed, and you finally forgave your husband. But you can’t forget this. This means you expect this to happen again.

3. Low self-esteem.

A very common phenomenon among married women, especially during maternity leave. When you devote whole days to the child, washing, cooking and cleaning, and there is no time left for yourself. And then more and more often you find flaws in yourself.

Either you've gained a couple of extra pounds, or you've got bags under your eyes from regular lack of sleep, or you don't even have time to wash your face when your baby is sick. And at this time, your husband, shaved, smelling of new perfume and in clothes ironed by you, goes to the next corporate party or meeting of classmates. And after he leaves, you find several more shortcomings in yourself and several reasons for distrust of him.

3. “Snout into a cannon.”

Do you refuse to flirt on a social network with your former classmate who hit you with a textbook at school and now showers you with compliments? Or maybe you don’t refuse to have a cup of coffee with your “ex”, because you parted as friends?

Perhaps this really is innocent flirting and just a cup of coffee. Or maybe deep down you hope for a continuation. Exclusively to raise self-esteem. And most likely you do not rule out the possibility that your husband is also having a nice conversation with a neighbor from the fifth floor or having lunch in the company of a nice colleague. And how can you learn to trust your husband when you don’t trust yourself?

4. Fake mistrust.

And it also happens that we become bored in life: no work, no hobbies, and the children are in kindergarten or school all day long. But there are a lot of interesting series on TV. So what if they are cheap and completely implausible. But there are such love passions - you'll get pumped up. And now you begin to “try on” this series in your life, looking for evidence you have invented of your partner’s infidelity.

And these are not all the reasons why mistrust arises in our lives. How to get rid of them and learn to trust your loved one again? Let's try to figure it out.

How to restore trust in your life?

Unfortunately, today there are no specific lessons in trust. You either trust or you don't. And if your relationship has not yet gone too far, but there is no longer trust, then it may be better to break up so as not to torment each other. What to do if you don’t trust your husband? Don’t destroy your family because of your complexes or far-fetched situations?

Here are some tips to help you at least get on the path to rebuilding trust:

1. If you have a lot of free time to “invent” various infidelities for your husband, then find something you like. And it doesn’t matter what it will be: dancing, playing the violin, going to the gym or taking driving lessons. The main thing is that you have less time left for unnecessary TV shows that direct your thoughts in the wrong direction. And you will spend your time usefully.
2. If you are so loaded with children and homework that you don’t even have enough time to sleep, then it’s time to unload yourself. And make time for yourself, your loved one. At least one hour a day. If your husband cannot sit with the little one at this time, then ask your parents, godfather, girlfriend, or just hire a nanny for just an hour. And treat yourself to relaxation: take a bath, get a manicure, face mask or peeling. The main thing is that it will give you positive emotions and raise your self-esteem.
3. Try to find time to meet with old friends. Gossip, drink a bottle of wine, dance. Such gatherings will lift your spirits and distract you from bad thoughts.
4. Stop nagging your husband and blaming him for all your sins. Try to surround him with care, attention and understanding. You'll see, he will definitely answer you in kind. And next time, instead of fishing or football, he will decide to spend the evening in a warm family circle.

Video “What Kills Love”

If you have “tried” everything, but trust has not returned, but you want to save your family, then try contacting a psychologist. A professional will definitely understand your specific case and will certainly help you. The main thing is not to despair, because everything in life can be fixed.