The man abused his wife. Husband beats and mocks: what to do? Tips and tricks

I wonder why a woman who is dissatisfied with her husband always limits herself to the statement that “all men are assholes.” The rest of the world continues to be pleasant for her. But if a man doesn’t like his wife, then the light immediately dims for him from everywhere.
Another stereotype is that when a woman is unhappy in her marriage, the man automatically becomes the cause of ALL her unhappiness. And a woman can almost never be the reason a marriage fails. After all, it is men who abuse women and show sadism both in the form of words and expressions, and in physical form. Women are almost always innocent victims.
But if we approach this issue from the other side, we will see that in marriage not only men, but women equally, can abuse their partner. A man just never admits this. Often he endures and leaves silently.
Many women organize their show from the very morning, telling their husband that he sleeps for a long time, has not nailed the nail down, that he has a bad job and a small salary, that he does not pay attention to family problems, etc.
Some women “attack” their husband in a different way, saying that he does not shine in an intimate sense, they stage scenes of jealousy, they say, all their strength is spent on someone else, and the wife has nothing left. And so on, whoever has enough imagination for what.
There are a great many options for bullying a husband. It is not surprising that many men do not want to return home at all, associating the comfort of home with hard labor. It’s better to run away somewhere on a business trip, go to friends, than go home.
Do not think that if a wife mocks her husband exclusively verbally, then this is completely harmless. The consequence of this “slotting” is depression, stroke, ulcers and other diseases.
Who is to blame for this situation?
It is unlikely that a normal man would marry a hysterical bitch or a neurasthenic sadist. Where did that charming, gentle and understanding girl on whose finger you put the ring go? Why isn't she with you now? Maybe you had a hand in such drastic changes?
Think about what your wife means when she pins all the mortal sins on you. Look deeper, don't stop at her direct accusations. For example, if she constantly nags you for a small salary, this does not mean that she wants to live with her oligarch husband. She simply does not feel protected next to you; she lacks a reliable stone wall. And this reliability is not measured by money at all. And if a woman does not see a man next to her, then she, of course, strives to have at least financial security.
Is your wife pathologically jealous? You yourself probably once spoke about her intimate “talents”. So she is looking for someone from whom you get all those affections that, according to you, she cannot give you.
Take a look at yourself in the mirror. You want to have a wife who looks like a Hollywood star? Do you look like this?
Think carefully, and if you are extremely honest with yourself, you will discover the fact that almost ninety percent it was you who created the monster with whom you now live out of a charming girl.
So maybe you shouldn’t think that if your wife changed, then your whole life would look like an apple from heaven. Maybe you need to change first?
When a person changes, the situation also changes. But changes in the situation may not lead to a change in human personality. Start with yourself. Try to give your wife what she lacks: reliable support in any situation. And you will have what you lack - a loving woman next to you.

Everything could be fine. I’m 24 years old, I live in London, I’m married, my husband makes good money... And he mocks me. He humiliates, constantly looking for something to “punish” me for. My wishes are ignored, I have no right to my own opinion, I cannot listen to the music I like in front of him - it bothers him. At the same time, he often turns on his own. I'm not against it, but the way things are set up seems abnormal to me. I can't butt in on conversations. Otherwise, I’m a fool, I’ll say something wrong, and then people will laugh at us. I am reproached for being useless and worthless. By myself, I have no value, and I must contribute in the form of cooking, cleaning, all this is inspected by him, shortcomings are identified, and they reproach me for them again, saying that I can’t do anything properly. Sometimes I work, but even then I still can’t compare with him, because he gets paid a lot more and his work is harder. The money that I earn is taken from me and given only in small parts upon request and justification. There is no money at home so I don’t have access. He carries them with him, the rest are in his bank. I'm not working right now because... he asked me for the number of my former boss, called him and had a fight with him, naturally I was left without a job. Every morning I don’t want to wake up, I think that it would be better if I had not been born, how great it would be to die and not live in this hell. I have been suffering from severe depression for several years now. I constantly feel drowsy, lack of energy, and I’m not interested in anything. Before marriage, I was so carefree and cheerful...
Support the site:

Margarita, age: 24 / 04/03/2014

Responses:

Margarita, maybe I’ll ask a little harshly, but have you ever thought about divorce?? Judging by the description of your relationship, your husband does not love you. Or maybe you love your husband? You probably need to think seriously and understand what you want in life, what or who can change your life for the better.

Olga, age: 32 / 04/03/2014

Hello Margarita!
You live with a tyrant and a big egoist. In fact, he got a housekeeper in the form of you, who doesn’t even need to be paid and can always take out his simmering anger on you.
Judging by what is written, you are of sound mind and this is a great advantage for you at the moment. Don’t waste a minute - do everything to either make it clear to your husband that your opinion will now ALWAYS be taken into account, or get a divorce and leave this person in any possible way.
Go to your parents, relatives, etc. In any case, this is better than leaving everything as is.
No one has the right to tell a person how to live! Good luck!

Nikolay, age: 34 / 04/03/2014

Dear Rita! Well what can I say? We need to get away from your tyrant.
“Justify” the expenditure of a certain amount of money, for example, a large purchase - and straight to the Russian consulate. Is your husband a British citizen? Explain the situation, ask for help. Look for the telephone number of a women's crisis center in London.
And if you have your passport and other documents in hand, then go straight to the plane.
It’s better to live more modestly financially, but be your own boss.
God help you!

Olga, age: 25 / 04/03/2014

Hello! I don't understand why you are suffering. We should not think about how to commit suicide, but how to get away from such a terrible person and as quickly as possible! Literally run with your heels sparkling! Even if there are children. You are smart, you can work. Why do you need this tyrant, usurper, egoist and, in general, a complete nonentity. Why ruin your life by being next to such a person??!! I say this, probably because I myself recently broke up with a young man who behaved in some ways similar to your husband and tyrannized me. Everywhere I looked for flaws, everywhere I was this and that, everywhere I was wrong, everywhere I was to blame. I don't understand how I endured all this. After all, there were hints that he was like this from the very beginning, but I closed my eyes and was in love euphoria. The fact that this was my first serious young man also played a role. It was difficult to leave. And suddenly we had a big fight. And they never made up again. At first it was very bad, it hurt inside, my head was a mess. But I soon realized (after a week or two) that it was much easier and better for me to live without him! No one reproaches, puts pressure, or nags the brain. You can just breathe freely! I've already forgotten what this means! And then I think what a fool I was, that I endured all this for so long, why did I destroy my life and myself. She endured constant nagging. For what? I'm not an angel, of course, but I don't deserve that either. He could simply yell for no reason (without guilt on my part), but I swallowed everything, felt sorry for him, they say, he has a hard job. What do I have to do with it?? So it is with you. We women, due to some kind of lack of will (it always seemed to me that out of great “kindness and modesty,” although this is a lie), often allow ourselves to be treated God knows how. I don't know why this happens. I believe that you and I do not deserve this. Get your life back! Urgently! Good luck!

Arnica, age: 25 / 04/03/2014

Hello Margarita!
You haven’t written anything about life before marriage - maybe it’s worth returning to your parents or other relatives for now. Or simply return to your homeland, rent a room - since you live in London, you know English well - this is a serious plus when looking for work. The way your husband treats you is not the behavior of a loving man. But this is not a reason to leave life - life is multifaceted - find your place in it.

Mikhail, age: 44 / 04/03/2014

Rita, good afternoon! If you realize the situation you find yourself in is difficult and oppressive, then you must definitely look for a way out of it. One person cannot be another's thing. This state of affairs is destructive for both you and your spouse. It seems to me that if it is impossible to peacefully agree that you also have rights, and it is impossible to change your husband’s attitude towards you, then you should try to separate. There is no need to inform about this in advance; think through all the moves to retreat. Maybe you have relatives, friends, parents you could move in with and start looking for a new job. A person definitely needs some space of freedom and trust. If it is not there, then it is very difficult. Try to pull yourself together and think things through. Consult with your loved ones, and under no circumstances fall into despair. There are such “suppressive” people who do not know how to build normal relationships with others. Maybe they have experienced violence, and now they are trying to “get the upper hand” in the relationship in this strange way. It seems to me that if a person loves, he will try to find some compromises. And if the most important thing for him is to dominate someone, then you can’t build a marriage on this... You are very young, you still have everything ahead of you. Don't be afraid of anything.

Olya, age: 42 / 04/03/2014

Margarita, you are so young! Leave your despot husband (and this is so, it will start with nagging, end with beatings... believe me, this is reality), move in with a friend, go to your parents and start an independent life. And understand one thing: the problems are in his head, not in you. With him you will only waste time and nerves, such people do not change, you need to leave such people, getting rid of any connecting threads.

Elizaveta, age: 28 / 04/03/2014

Margarita, here is complete information on what to do in cases of domestic violence in your country:

It’s scary to imagine, but there are still many women in the world who endure violence against themselves for various reasons. What to do if this happened to you? What to do if your husband hits you? What to do if your husband abuses you mentally or physically? Our psychologist gives answers to these difficult questions.

“My husband beats me for reasons that seem serious to him, but in reality it’s nothing. Then he asks for forgiveness, we live peacefully, and after some time the same thing repeats... How to deal with this if I can’t and don’t want to leave him. Liana Radaman."

What to do if your husband beats you, answers psychologist Elena Poryvaeva:

Unfortunately, it is very likely that in this situation there is no longer a choice - to live with such a husband or not. And not because you don’t want to leave him. But because you really can’t.

Because he won't let you go. He really, really needs you. Your husband beats you because, having accumulated various negative impressions throughout the day, he suddenly splashes them out in the evening and he just physically needs to have someone nearby at this time on whom he could discharge himself.

As they say, as a punching bag. And it looks like he chose you for this role. It is also quite possible that your husband wants to demonstrate his masculine strength (plus, our society actually demands this from him), but psychologically he is rather weak, at least he does not feel that he can keep you around him by another, non-violent method.

And your husband beats you so that, excuse me, “the woman knows her place and fears her husband.” So he immediately feels like a “strong man.” But it's all about him. Why do you need him like that? There may be several reasons.

If you depend on him only financially, this is in many ways easier to cope with (although, perhaps, everything has already gotten so bad that you have forgotten how to take care of yourself and it is easier for you to endure beatings than to accept the prospect of your own independence). But I suspect that your desire for your husband is even more confusing.

It happens that wives themselves sometimes (often completely unaccountably) seem to provoke their husbands into aggression towards them, into a fight, into a beating, precisely so that after this fight the husband asks them for forgiveness. First the husband beats, then tries to make amends.

Only in this way can these women feel like people, and not “second-class sex.” This is the only way they are able to assert themselves, or even feel some kind of superiority, at least over their own husband... And for the sake of this feeling, women sacrifice both independence and, in many ways, security.

I don’t want to scare you, but keep in mind that in such cases, when a husband hits, there is always a possibility that the “provoked husband” will one day not calculate the force of the blow... and he will have no one to ask for forgiveness.

“We lived together for 4 years. Everything was going great, I sacrificed a lot for love. But recently, I stopped fulfilling the whims of my “half”, because every person has his own goal in life. Since then he was replaced: not a day without a reproach, without an insult. My husband is making fun of me.

I found a trick - blaming everyone for my failures (friends, family), and does not allow me to leave, opens my hands, humiliates, blackmails my loved ones, takes revenge on all the friends and acquaintances around me, prohibits any communication without his permission. “They better put me in jail” and “You can think that I’m an animal” are his favorite phrases.

What to do with a person who scoffs and recognizes only his own opinion, communicates only with those who look into his mouth, cannot live without lies and exaggerations, goes to great lengths so that he is not caught in the wrong? Maybe he's just a cowardly and low person? Are my fears correct, and how can I get out of these bonds? Daria Pleshko."

What to do if a husband abuses his wife, answers psychologist Elena Poryvaeva:

The most common type of domestic violence is a husband abusing his wife. That is, a man is so psychologically weak (even if he has at least three times the muscles pumped up) that he does not hope to keep his wife through verbal influence, and he often simply does not have words - his intellect has let him down.

Then he begins to use his fists and threats: “If you decide to run away, I’ll kill you!” Such a male simply does not see any other way to keep a woman near him. And sometimes the husband abuses him physically - male violence occurs without the use of physical force at all.

The husband mocks his wife, establishes his own rules in the house, sharply limits his wife’s rights, makes unreasonable claims... Such a family dictator, firstly, has a distorted concept of justice (“I can do everything”), and secondly, internal low self-esteem , which he does not even admit to himself, and even more so, he will constantly prove to others that “he is not like that, he is a ruble more expensive.”

And thirdly, despite all this, he has an open desire for power. And he takes this power by methods of psychological violence only because he is afraid: he may not succeed any other way.

But you will have to start discussing your specific situation not with his personality, but with yours. Having gotten married, you easily submitted to your loved one and “went under his hand.” Most likely, this is not your fault, but a misfortune, but, nevertheless, for four whole years you taught him to think: darling, I am your uncomplaining thing, do with me what you want, I will sacrifice everything for you!

In the meantime, you stopped being afraid of life, matured, grew as a person... All this is wonderful for you, but not for your husband. Your independence and manifestation of some kind of ambition simply frightens him. In response, your husband mocks you.

Imagine that you, say, move furniture in your house and put your own closet (sorry for the comparison) in one place or another. And suddenly the closet starts to resist and scream:

“I don’t want to stand there, I won’t!” Why is there a closet - remember the famous children's “horror” films about Moidodyr (“the blanket ran away, the sheet flew away”) or about Fedorino’s grief!

Right now, in the eyes of your spouse, your behavior is exactly reminiscent of a riot in his own blanket or kitchen utensils. Yes, as long as you obeyed him, he felt good. And now he's scared. And fear, as you know, paralyzes the will and mind.

So he screams at you in rage and blackmails you, your husband scoffs and opens his hands - he has simply lost control over himself, he is completely in the grip of his own fear. And obviously, he has something to fear: perhaps he is not a very strong person psychologically, and besides, apparently, he himself does not know how to rise up - it is easier for him to trample those around him into the dirt.

He most likely chose you once for your dumbness and humility... And now, wanting to keep you, or rather “put you in your place”, return you to the position of a humiliated thing, he chooses not the most adequate means. Let's say he starts to intimidate you: “let me sit down”... And he will be imprisoned, as he hints, for mutilating or killing you. He wants you to consider him a beast, that is, to be afraid...

Yes, your fears are justified. Moreover, we are talking about your physical safety. So unless you are a masochist yourself, you really need to leave urgently - if not run away! The husband scoffs and will not stop doing it just like that, because he changes his mind.

But this must be done with the support of an experienced lawyer (or even law enforcement agencies) and a consultant psychologist or psychotherapist. Otherwise, your spouse, having heard about your desire to leave, will not make such a mess!

Everything started well: you were a great couple, whose relationship everyone envied, then married the person they loved and enjoyed simple family happiness. But at one point something went wrong. Or maybe everything was heading towards this, but you simply closed your eyes and refused to believe. It is quite possible that your husband began to show himself not at his best, which is typical for most partners who, at the beginning of the relationship, tried to please their beloved and played.

Then he began to show negative sides character: to be rude, try to humiliate or insult. Of course, you can immediately say that the man had problems in childhood or to this day he suffers from terrible inferiority complexes, but the fact remains: he began to openly mock you, so every day family life becomes like a real hell. This situation, unfortunately, is typical for a huge number of families. What do wives do when their husbands abuse them? They silently keep all negative emotions to themselves or complain to a friend. Few people decide to divorce, although sometimes this may be the only logical solution to the problem. Often this happens because of the desire to save the family for the sake of the children or for the sake of financial well-being, which is ensured by that same tyrant husband.

Why does my husband bully me?

To start costs pay attention to the fact that often such humiliation and insults are provoked by the wife herself. No matter how surprising it may sound, both are to blame for family problems. If a man acts in a certain way, then it is likely that his wife took an active part in it or even unknowingly provoked it. Of course, this fact in no way justifies a man who decided to assert himself at the expense of his wife, but she must understand that in order for something to change in her relationship with her husband, she needs to act, not think. It is also likely that wife abuse is an element of the family model in which your husband was raised.

Children very often adopt their parents have certain principles and rules of communication in the family. It is likely that he does not even understand that he is repeating the fate of his father, who humiliated his mother almost all his life. We are often driven by the subconscious, which is not as easy to control as it seems. Or it may be that your loved one has huge problems in life, so he is simply taking his anger out on you. Neither option justifies a person who morally humiliates his partner, so it is worth considering a solution to this problem.

The most negative option It may be that your husband specifically chose you in order to realize himself at your expense. This is very wrong, but first of all, the woman herself is to blame, because it was she who chose this representative of the stronger sex and decided to marry him, not knowing the negative qualities of his character.

What to do if your husband bullies you?

At any situations You can find some ways to solve the problem, because if you start analyzing yours, you can find a lot of interesting things. First, start by learning about your spouse's life. It may well be that he has a serious problem or problem, and you are not even aware of it. There are cases when a person develops a terrible disease, and his desire to humiliate is a side effect of irreversible processes in his brain. Follow these recommendations to change something in this situation and reach out to your husband.

1. Ask how your husband is doing at work whether he took out a loan or quarreled with his family. You must approach the situation as wisely as possible if you really want to achieve any result. Sometimes solving a loved one’s problem is enough. You can save a marriage if you want to penetrate into how your husband lives. Ask him about his success at work, his favorite hobby, and his relationship with mom and dad. He must understand that you are his ally and best friend. Be sure to offer your help if you know for sure that you can be useful.

2. Under no circumstances try to answer your husband in the same way.. Many women cannot stand it and take out their anger on the very initiator of the quarrel. You should not stoop to his level and start throwing derogatory words and insults in his direction. Try to be restrained and confidently lead the line of conversation. In general, quite often this advice helps to change the situation itself, because the husband does not get the desired reaction and after a while stops using humiliating methods of communication. Restraint and indifference to humiliation in this case should become the golden rule for you until you decide to file for divorce. Don’t waste your nerves and yours, because you won’t achieve anything with a response.

3. Talk to your husband about how you are not happy with his attitude.. If you want to restore the former mutual understanding and trust between you and your husband, you will have to act calmly and competently. First, start the conversation with the fact that lately you have been feeling depressed, you have stopped enjoying life, and everything around you seems gray and monotonous. A loving husband will always understand that something is wrong, but an indifferent one will simply not hear what you want to convey to him. Tell him how you feel at the moment when he humiliates you again, and that you suffer very much because of this attitude.

4. If the proposed options turned out to be useless for you, think about ending such a relationship with your husband. Of course, you need to remember that you have children, and that they need parental love and a good family atmosphere, but think for yourself: will they be happy in a few years to see a complex, unhappy mother who is disappointed not only in men, but also in life? That is why try to change something in life before it is too late, otherwise you will suffer even more later. If you understand that the person who humiliates you every day does not love you at all, feel free to end your relationship with him and start living again.

- Return to section table of contents " "

Two common stereotypes: “ all men are assholes" and "all life is waste products of protein organisms, everything women“They’re definitely making money on the side in an ancient profession, and the sun is like a low-power flashlight with dead batteries.” It's interesting that when woman dissatisfied husband, then it is limited to the statement that “ all men are assholes" The rest of the world continues to be pleasantly colorful for her. But if a man is dissatisfied with his wife, then all the colors immediately fade for him. Pay attention to the stereotypical statement above. Not only “all women…”, but also life and the sun.

Another common opinion: woman- the suffering party in an unsuccessful marriage, the man is the cause of all misfortunes (the same goat who ate all the cabbage and started butting heads). At the same time, it is recognized that it happens, of course, that the reason for the failure of a marriage is a woman, but still in much fewer cases than a man. It is men who tend to mock women and show sadism both verbally and in the form of banal assault. Women are victims, almost always innocent.

But if you look at this issue more closely, it turns out that bullying of a marriage partner is present not only from men, but equally from women. Just men are much less inclined to admit such things. Much more often they simply remain silent and endure, or go in search of a better life. In addition, women usually do without physical measures (although this does happen), preferring verbal battles, blackmail with children or bed, threats to tell the whole world (from mother to boss) about the swinish behavior of their spouse.

A bunch of women in the morning they start the daily show early: the husband got up wrong and sat down wrong, he can’t even drive a nail into the wall or, on the contrary, he only knows how to hammer nails, he has a non-prestigious job with a small salary or, conversely, “what’s the point in everyone this money, if you don’t pay attention to your family?”, he doesn’t pay attention to the problems of the children or, on the contrary, he coddles the children too much, he is a homebody or, on the contrary, he loves going somewhere too much (from the forest to his friends), he has too much many or too few friends, he dresses incorrectly (decent jeans - homeless, a formal suit - too much fuss with washing shirts and ironing trousers), he eats incorrectly (eats everything - unhealthy, picky eater - this is not a restaurant) and so on and so forth.

Some women prefer a different type of debriefing: “I love you so much, but you constantly look (run) to the left!” Moreover, it doesn’t matter where the spouse was looking or running. He could not leave the house at all for a year. But if (save him all in a row!) he suddenly looked at, say, Odnoklassniki and chatted with a former classmate, to whom he gave a briefcase or (horror!) a bouquet of dandelions even in the second grade - that’s all, this is quite enough for a terrible scene of jealousy . The husband is a hero in an intimate sense, and he is immediately accused of the fact that one woman (wife) clearly should not be enough for him, which means he gets his way on the side. The husband does not shine in intimate terms, which means he has already gained money on the side, and his wife has nothing left. And so on, fantasy is limitless, and any action (or inaction) is interpreted in a very specific context.

There are many options for bullying your husband. It is not surprising that many men go home from work as if they were going to hard labor, preferring the “comfort” of home to business trips, extracurricular work, visits to friends, and so on.

One should not think that if the husband’s “education” is carried out exclusively in verbal form, without waving his hands, then this is completely harmless. Depression, vegetative-vascular dystonia, heart attacks, strokes, peptic ulcers, gastritis and many other diseases are a consequence of the daily “and you again...”, “why are you...”, “all husbands are like husbands, but I...” and so on .

But, as in the case of women (“Husband bullying: what to do and who is to blame?”), let’s see – who is to blame for the current situation?

Dear men, I personally can’t believe that any of you courted, proposed, and proudly took to the registry office an outright bitch, a moral sadist, a tearful fool, and so on. Nothing like this. But the question is: where did that sweet, charming, kind, understanding and gentle girl who crossed the threshold of the registry office with you a certain number of years ago go? Why is “This” next to you instead of her now? Didn't you have a hand, or even two at once, in such a dramatic transformation?

Think: what exactly does your wife want when she accuses you of all mortal sins at once? Just don’t stop at the superficial – her direct accusations. For example, if she declares that your salary is too small, this does not mean at all that her dream is an oligarch husband. Most likely, she simply does not feel protected next to you; she lacks a reliable shoulder to lean on, forgetting about all her worries. This reliability is not measured by money. But when it is not there, then the thought against one’s will even comes precisely to pure commercialism, because, alas, in our time money is a way to solve many problems. And if a woman does not find a man next to her (and this concept includes not only what is proudly worn in her pants), then she naturally strives for at least financial security.

Does your wife have pathological jealousy? Most likely, you yourself once expressed dissatisfaction with her intimate talents (perhaps you complained about her “stiffness” in the most lyrical moments, insufficient receptivity to caresses, and so on). So the search begins for where you get the intimacy that she – according to your own words – is not able to give you.

Look at yourself in the mirror. You want your wife to look like a picture from a fashion magazine, but who do you look like? Where is the young man with whom your wife fell in love enough to agree to marriage? And the question is not only about appearance, it changes over the years.

I remember the sweetest anecdote: a woman of about forty early in the morning examines herself in the mirror, notes every wrinkle on her face, every fold of skin, excess weight, double chin and other appearance troubles, then turns to the marital bed, on which a half-drunk, bald man with a saggy jaw is sleeping. belly, and says with hatred: “That’s what you need, you bastard!”

Think carefully, and if you are honest with yourself, you will find that 90% of you molded that charming girl you married into the vixen you now live with.

So, maybe you shouldn’t blame your wife for everything and think that if she changed, your whole life would become covered in chocolate icing. Maybe we should start by changing ourselves?

As a person changes, the situation around him also changes. But changing the situation may not lead to a change in the person. Start with yourself. If you don’t know where to start, contact a specialist; a good psychologist will provide the necessary help.

Give your wife what she lacks: a man she can rely on in any situation, a protector and support. And you will have what you lack - a loving woman next to you.

Yes, there is no guarantee of success. Often the situation passes the point of no return, and it is impossible to correct it so that both parties are satisfied and happy. But by changing yourself, you will still change the situation in one way or another: either you will be able to correct your family life, clearing it of misunderstandings and layers, or you will start a new life in which the sun will no longer be a flashlight with dead batteries.