My husband never trusted me. The man doesn’t trust me - what should I do? Internal state of a woman

The root of all relationship problems is lack of trust. Even more precisely, men’s distrust of their wives. American journalist Damon Young shares his experience and explains why he still does not trust his wife. The journalist states that the theme of distrust of women is played out in 73 percent of sitcoms, 31 percent of books and 98.9 percent of men's heart-to-heart conversations.

After a year of dating, eight months of engagement, and six months of marriage, I managed to learn something about my wife. Not even that: I learned a lot about my wife. I learned that she had a blanket with sleeves and one-piece pajamas. And that she likes to put them on one another. But there was one thing I couldn't realize until recently. It's a matter of trust. That is, his absence.

The truth is, we men don't believe what women tell us. Except, perhaps, our mothers, teachers or any other woman - a recognized authority. Do we think women are pathological liars? No. Does a woman take longer to convince us than a man? Definitely.

After a year of dating, eight months of engagement, and six months of marriage, I realized why I didn’t trust my wife.

We consider the concept of trust in the context of actions, that is, we imagine: could this person do such and such? If you trust a person, it means that you are sure that he will not deceive. Or he won't steal it. Or it won't strangle you in your sleep. I definitely trust my wife in this regard. I know she won't do that.

I also trust her judgment on a number of important things. I believed that she would be a wonderful wife and a wonderful mother. And that I won't end up in the hospital because of her cooking.

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You know what I don't really believe? What, in fact, never believed, no matter what woman I was with? Her feelings.

If she comes up to me, clearly upset about something, my first thought is “What happened?” Second thought: “Perhaps she is exaggerating.” Even before she tells me everything. The third thought - after it has been expressed - "Okay. I heard you, and I will help you. But what upset you so much is actually a trifle."

I never say this out loud, but I think this all the time. Until she convinces me otherwise, I consider her reaction to the situation to be disproportionately exaggerated compared to what it should be. That is, if she is worried at eight points, I think that in fact the situation deserves six points of worry.

I know I'm not alone. The theme of distrust of women on the part of men is played out in 73 percent of sitcoms, 31 percent of books and 98.9 percent of men's heart-to-heart conversations, writes Alternet. As usual, women go crazy, but we don’t. This female feature is considered to be one of the cute and harmless differences between the sexes, although it irritates women themselves.

Perhaps if we were talking about dinner or whose turn it was to take out the trash, we could talk about “cute differences.” However, distrust of women can develop into skepticism towards everything they say. Since women’s feelings should not be trusted, it means that there is no truth in their words.

And it is precisely for this reason that we do not believe, say, complaints from friends, neighbors, sisters, wives, classmates about harassment on the street, until we see hooligans harassing girls with our own eyes. That's why we need visual evidence of what women have been telling us for years.

So how can we correct this state of affairs? And is it actually possible to fix this? Don't know. Distrust of women's feelings is so deeply rooted in men's consciousness that men themselves are not even aware of it.

True, I personally can still do something. The next time my wife says that she was upset about something that, in my opinion, was not worth paying attention to at all, I will believe her. It's the least I can do.

Difficulties in relationships

My wife doesn't believe me, she doesn't trust me

If your marriage is falling apart because your wife doesn’t believe you, then this is not a reason to give up. The path, of course, is not easy, but nothing is impossible. Since trust in marriage is vital, it is you who will have to solve this problem if you want to save the marriage. But what to do? It is necessary to determine the level of trust in marriage

First of all, you need to understand why your wife stopped trusting you? Perhaps you didn't keep your promises. Perhaps you cheated on her. Or maybe you are just flirting with other girls, or your wife thinks so.

If you did something from the list above, then it’s not difficult to understand why she stopped believing you. Nowadays, a sufficient number of men flirt with girls, and they assure their wives of the innocence of such communication. It doesn't matter what you think about it. If this seems like a threat to your wife, then you need to correct this as soon as possible.

But what to do if there are no obvious reasons for mistrust?

There are situations when your wife does not trust you for no reason. This also cannot be denied. But, nevertheless, in most cases there is one reason or another.

This can usually be because the wife is insecure or has a jealousy problem. However, before placing all the blame on your wife, you should once again dig into the past and make sure that you really didn’t do anything. Only after this can you move on to more decisive steps.

What not to do if your wife doesn't trust you.

Mistrust causes problems in marriage. Mistrust destroys it and brings only problems. But if you openly ask: “Does your wife trust you?”, she will almost always answer in the affirmative. And if after this, you start talking about mistrust, she will go on the defensive and be offended by you.

So don't try to talk about trust. If you ask your wife to trust you, she still won't do it. Trust is built on other principles, not in words, but in deeds.

What should you do if your wife doesn't trust you?

Try to find out the reason for the mistrust. You may discover things and details that you didn’t even pay attention to before. Awareness of the problem is the only way to solve it.

Do what inspires trust. Place a photo of your wife on your computer desktop and put the photo in your wallet. Convince your wife that all your colleagues at work know that you are happily married.

You can also regain trust in other ways. Call your wife more often and tell her what you are going to do. And if you promised something, then try to keep it. Give her more compliments and convince her that there is no point in flirting with someone else, since you already have the best.

Stop flirting with other girls, stop doing things she doesn't like. Most likely now is not the time to communicate with other girls. Relax and unwind. Perhaps this will be enough.

If you have made a mistake in the past. It is impossible to regain trust in one day. This takes weeks, months, and sometimes years. But don't give up. Show your wife that you regret what you did, and sooner or later she will be yours again.

Show your wife that you love her very much. Attention, care, affection and tenderness. There is not a single woman who, receiving all this from her husband, would not trust him. Be the best for her, and she will stop being jealous and will be yours again.

The topic of trust in relationships with a loved one occupies an important place in the lives of each of us. After all, what we all really lack in life today is trust, sincerity and understanding. And yet, what should everyone do in a relationship so that their loved one trusts us?

"The man doesn't trust me", says the woman, and cannot find an answer to the question of why, when entering into a relationship with him, she is faced with mistrust.

In the phrase " the man doesn't trust me“one can hear a woman’s claim to a man, often based on pride and female pride. It is also interesting that a woman often does not admit that she herself does not trust a man, since she simply does not see this in herself. Although outbursts of jealousy, checking mobile messages , monitoring emails and checking the pockets of a man's jacket clearly indicates distrust towards a man. Unfortunately, both men and women are distrustful by nature.

In this article, we will look into this issue, but first I will touch on the very concept of trust.

What is trust and where does it come from in life and relationships?

Trust is a fundamental feeling and is an indispensable condition for human life on earth. Trust is a guarantee of the quality of any relationship, and it does not matter whether it is a person’s relationship with himself, other people, or a person’s relationship with his own life and destiny.

Each person has his own degree of trust; it is formed in childhood and is reinforced by life experience throughout life. The modern world of illusions and the substitution of life values ​​have developed in many people a fear of life, serious relationships, and family values. People today are afraid to let such important concepts into their lives as: fidelity, decency, trust, empathy, responsibility, spiritual purity and chastity.

But it is important to remember that trust is a mutual feeling, and a person cannot trust if he does not feel it in return.

Let’s look at this topic using examples from the lives of several of my clients who approached me with requests to help them understand the reason for a man’s distrust of them.

During the consultations, we analyzed their behavior and the man’s response to them. The goal of our work with them was for clients to learn to understand their men, feel their inner world, be aware of their needs, ask themselves questions correctly, and, answering them, put them into practice with benefit.

"Why doesn't a man trust me?" - question from a client for working on herself

If the man doesn't trust me then obviously I am behaving incorrectly, and I have to reconsider a lot in my own thoughts and behavior, to reassess my view of the current relationship and my role in it. What mistakes am I making today, since my m the man doesn't trust me?

During the consultation, the client said that at the time she met her current man, she was already in a relationship with another man, with whom she had just come that day to the party where their first meeting took place.

Today, remembering and analyzing that situation, the client says: “ The man doesn't trust me, because I used to behave provocatively and liked to attract the attention of other men." He probably thinks that I still behave this way, so he doesn’t trust me and doesn’t let me go anywhere with my friends.

Let's look at common women's mistakes in relationships with men.

The first stage of building relationships, getting to know each other

As a female psychologist and a woman, I know that the world of female nature is rich in the expression of feelings. Women are very emotional. But, in the first stages of a relationship, it is important for a woman to maintain chastity in a relationship. We are talking about two things here. A woman values ​​inner spiritual purity, through which she perceives the world around her and the man in it. A woman should choose a man, evaluate his masculine qualities, and not twist her soul in front of the first person she meets. A woman must keep a riddle within herself, which she will ultimately offer to solve only to one man worthy of her feminine value. The second important point of a trusting relationship is the chastity of the female body and giving it to the man.

In our crazy age of fast-growing relationships, many couples manage to go through all the stages of a relationship in a few days, without stopping at all at the first fundamental level of the emergence of a pure relationship. Before people know it, they have already formed a family and had children.

Lack of responsibility and extreme human carelessness over time lead people to the rapid emergence of problems in relationships and a timely cooling of feelings.

Second period of relationship building, courtship and choice

Can a woman accept advances from different men? Yes, as long as a woman chooses a worthy man, she can accept the advances of several men at the same time. Courtship means communication and spending time together: going to a cafe or theater, or going for a walk. During this period of courtship, a woman pays attention to the man’s behavior, manners, upbringing and attitude towards herself as a woman. At this stage of a relationship, a woman should not immediately give herself to everyone who treats her to a cup of coffee. Otherwise, the price of such coffee is very expensive.

To further expand on the topic of the article, I will once again use an example from the life of one of my clients.

The client admitted that she has a passion for luxury and expensive jewelry, and this passion prevents her from building relationships with men. Remembering her wealthy boyfriend, she said: the man doesn't trust me and my sincerity in love. He thinks that I am more interested in clothes, new luxury goods, jewelry, but not in himself.

As a female psychologist and a woman, I explain to my clients the importance of appreciating the masculinity in a man.

Let me give you another example from the practice of one of my clients. She stated: the man doesn't trust to me. She could not accept and understand why she could no longer accept the advances of other men. What's wrong if I just go out with a friend? The man doesn't trust me, and wants to limit my freedom. I am a woman and I need the admiration and compliments of men, let him not think that no one likes me.

This example speaks of a woman’s lack of self-confidence. A woman is trying to convince herself that she is confident in herself as a woman. Otherwise, why does she need confirmation of her beauty from all the men around her?

As a female psychologist, I will give a recommendation to women: do not have the habit of comparing your man with others, admiring him, and citing other men as an example. This behavior will push a man away from you, and he will find someone for whom he will be the best. Remember that accepting advances from other men is unacceptable when you are married or in a relationship.

Let me give you another example of a situation that arose in one married couple.

How could it happen that the man doesn't trust me, and is jealous of my colleague?

This married couple had been living together for 6 years, and they worked in the same company. One day, the cause of the conflict was office gossip that followed a corporate party, at which, for some unknown reason, only the wife was present. The husband felt ill and left the party early. And his wife, at the request of her boss, stayed late at the party to discuss some work issues.

The man doesn't trust me, believing that I had a pleasant time in the company of other men. I only now understand what he felt inside and how he was worried.

The client asked to help her regain the trust of a man . More my man doesn't trust me, what should I do?? At first he began to be jealous of me, then to control me, and now he stopped trusting me completely. It seems to me that he has lost interest in me.

Living together under one roof forces many to reconsider their views on family.

An important and key point in the formation of pure and trusting relationships is the communication of partners with each other. As a female psychologist, I want to draw women’s attention to the ability to talk with their men.

When a woman wonders why doesn't a man trust me and what to do, it becomes obvious that she does not understand him. In psychological consultations, I explain to women that in order for them to be happy in a relationship with their man, they must understand them.

In order for a woman to understand a man’s jealous behavior and answer her question: “”, she needs to talk to him more often. Consultation with a female psychologist helps women understand the world of their man and themselves, realize their desires, evaluate their role and behavior in a relationship with a man, realize their mistakes and find solutions to current situations. The man doesn't trust me- it means he doubts me and my actions.

How to talk to a man so that he hears you and stops doubting you?

What to do if a man does not trust and is jealous of work? Jealousy and mistrust often hide a man’s fear of losing a woman by losing control over her in a relationship.

Let me give you another example from practice.

The man doesn't trust me believing that I go to work not to work, but to do something obscene. I constantly feel guilty towards him, although I do nothing wrong.

If you start a conversation with words of criticism: “you got me, you don’t care about me, and you were never interested in my feelings,” most likely you will run into rudeness, causing male aggression.

It is important to talk to a man about feelings; if you want to reach your beloved man, talk to him calmly, without raising your voice. A man perceives his woman through feelings, her state of mind, which continues in him and influences him.

Tell the man that this work is very important to you, that you feel comfortable, calm, and spiritual there. A man must realize and feel what you are experiencing, then he will begin to hear you.

Remember that it is the woman who creates warmth and comfort in a relationship. That is why it is important for you, as a woman, to show attention, interest and care in your relationship with the man you love.

As a woman and a female psychologist, I recommend that close people talk to each other more often. Every day you will get to know the world of each of you, and every day you will begin to become closer; over time, mistrust and doubts will leave your relationship forever. Talk with your partner about each other’s joint and personal desires, find out what interests each of you in life, what each of you breathes and lives with. Are you ready to find a place and time for mental relaxation for each of you?

Not every couple always has common interests in everything. Well, if so. But, do not forget that each person’s world is unique. Take care of your feelings, take care of each other. Do not destroy already fragile, trusting human relationships against the wall of egoism.

Sometimes give your loved one the opportunity to be away from you in the company of friends, fishing or hiking. Do not erase the boundaries of your loved one’s personal space; remember, there is a line beyond which a person does not allow anyone but himself. If you count on trust from a man, you want a man to stop controlling you, start with yourself, bring into your life trust in yourself, the people around you, and the man you love. Then the man will respect your desires and stop controlling you.

Remember that each of you had something valuable in your life before you met each other. It could be something important and desired by the soul and heart. Do not demand that a person give up everything that was important in his life and existed before you. You cannot mistakenly rely on the fact that now all the time and attention of your loved one should belong exclusively to you. Behind this lies not love, but a desire to possess another person, suppressing his will.

Every sane person leaves behind bad habits that interfere with harmonious relationships. It remains important for each of us to live our lives in rhythm with our hearts and in harmony with our souls.

As a female psychologist and a woman, I wish you to find this balance in life and in your relationship with yourself and your loved one.

And don’t let the question “” bother you anymore.

Female psychologist Natalia Igorevna Kalugina

Good afternoon, I really need help. My wife and I have been living together for 4 years. I’m 33, she’s 35. We fight often, but we love each other very much. She is one of those types of women who has no friends, and all her friends are only male. I'll try in order. She has a friend with whom she often corresponds and communicates, he is married and I also know him (hello, bye). I have never been jealous of him, because he is married, and his appearance is a bit old and simple. Recently, my wife and I had a fight to the death and did not communicate for several months. We make up after she writes to me every day by all possible means of communication that this will not happen again and she will definitely change. But that’s not the point (I wrote this to make it clearer that she wants to maintain the relationship and loves me). After the pirimiria, I decided to check all her correspondence to see if she had done anything stupid... there was, of course, a lot of stupidity there, although I didn’t find any truly incriminating records about the betrayal. But then I accidentally came across my wife’s correspondence with this friend of hers over all the years. I was shaking all over. throughout our entire acquaintance with her, she secretly met with him... it’s some kind of nightmare. I showed her this correspondence and demanded an explanation. To which she answers me that she had nothing with him and that he is a drunkard, there is no one to drink with and she needs to cry to her, etc. Yes, there are no particular details in the correspondence, but if you read between the lines, it will be clear to a fool that they are lovers. Let me give you examples:
1. until what time do you work today, otherwise I want to visit you
she don’t know...what time do you want))
he's at 6
Olga will come home from work at 7.30
let's go early
he's at 5.30
if you manage to escape, then sooner
I'll look for a replacement now... I'll write
(well, what can you do in 2 hours...if you don’t meet for sex?)

2. (read from bottom to top)
she))))after Wednesday
well then it’s another matter - when will we see each other
so what... you're married too))))
it says he's married
she)))))
he’s so you got married, I don’t want to compromise or what???

And a lot of similar ones, I miss you, I want to visit you or me....

Quite convincing, huh?...so she denies it...nothing, nothing happened to him and that’s all...
This is my problem - there is no direct evidence of betrayal, but everything is clear to a fool. I love her and want to continue living with her, I’m ready to forgive all these festivities... so the trick is that in order to forgive, she needs to repent of what she has done, which she is clearly not going to do. I also don’t want to believe in her words and feel like a donkey all my life. Let everything take its course? I don’t believe it and I don’t think anyone would believe it... I’m always thinking about it.
In short, save the horror, otherwise I’m already leaking...

In a relationship with a man, from the very beginning the question of trust was raised acutely, since he has a sad experience. I stumbled a couple of times, I didn’t even lie to him, but I didn’t say something, he misunderstood something. And now he says that he cannot trust me and really regularly looks for some kind of trick, tests me, and so on. And he makes scandals over little things. Often packs his things and leaves. Sometimes I insist that he come back. He came himself a couple of times. He himself doesn’t want to leave me, but I don’t know what needs to be done to win his Faith in me

Answers from psychologists

Hello, Ekaterina.

So you ask - how to win a man’s trust? But, let's figure it out - what did you do to lose him? According to your letter, you did not do anything criminal.

In your situation, it’s most likely not about you, but about your man. You write that he has difficulties with trust, as he had a sad experience with this. Distrust of people is his problem and he must solve it and must not solve it at the expense of you and your relationship.

Your problem, it seems to me, is that you want to do the basically impossible - to please at any cost, despite your internal needs. Why do you need this? If you try to meet his requirements, it will be very difficult for you to remain yourself, and why would you need a relationship where you need to pretend and be in tension and in constant fear of being caught for lying. Try not to fuel your partner's suspicion by trying too hard. If you are accepted and understood, then the relationship has a future, but if not, then what is such a relationship for?

Matashkova Oksana Valerievna, psychologist Almaty

Ekaterina, hello!
This is not your problem, but your friend’s, let him deal with it. Do you have anything to reproach yourself for? Then you don’t have to make excuses and earn his trust. He will always find something to reproach you for - perhaps this is how he increases his self-esteem. I remember from Krylov: “It’s your fault that I want to eat,” he said and dragged the lamb into the dark forest.” What feelings are behind your desire to earn his trust - think about it. Love, fear, resentment , guilt? How long are you going to earn trust and is it possible in this relationship until you get completely tired?
All the best to you and confidence!

Sincerely,

Surzhina Oksana Fedorovna, psychologist, Voronezh

Catherine! It happens that a man has some kind of negative experience of distrust of women, and without sorting it out and removing, for example, jealousy, it is difficult to do anything. But for this he must have a desire to eliminate the problematic condition. It’s worth understanding what you want to do with all this, then you can indirectly influence the situation by changing your behavior and leveling out your general condition. The technique of settling relationships is applicable here. It is worth considering that, on the one hand, they behave with us the way we allow them to behave with us, you should probably start behaving differently, then the attitude towards you will begin to gradually change. I have articles on self-confidence on my website. On the other hand, it is impossible to get into his thoughts, as well as to assume something about this, but this may not be reliable, he may have completely different thoughts and plans. Therefore, in this situation, it is better to focus on yourself and do what is comfortable for you. I can only tell you that I conduct *Psychotherapy* trainings and regularly work on similar problems for those present. In addition, you can go to my website in the *articles* and *trainings* *videos* section, there is a lot of material on relationships, you live for yourself, live your life yourself, and are free to do as you see fit. If you want to get a positive attitude towards the future, then the main thing to do is to think about it as positively as possible, this increases the chance of a favorable course of events and imagine that everything will be fine in your future (in NLP this is called *adaptation to the future* ).You can visit my website. There is a lot of material there on relationship problems and on sexual topics, since I work as a sexologist. If there are problems in a relationship, then both parties are to blame somewhere. therefore, you can work through your condition and lead you to positive changes. Or already make some decision but for a pure problem-free state, again this is all individual work. It may be that the tension will go away after work, and you will begin to interact differently, but again you can’t predict this in advance, you have to look at everything after the fact. Contact me - I’ll help you sort it all out. Good luck!

Afanasyeva Liliya Veniaminovna, psychologist Voronezh

Hello. Irina. You chose a selfish, vulnerable and immature man who turned everything so that it was you who brought him to his round-the-clock grievances. Think about the fact that he took on the role of a touchy girl, and from you he expects masculine decisions for him patronize and be obviously to blame for everything. It’s a pity that you don’t notice his infantile scenario and outright deceit, so that you would always give everything only to him. And in the case of the birth of a child, even more so, he will have no time to give attention. And then guess for yourself, what will he do to you. Let me remind you that