Divorce in families consequences for children. What are the reasons for divorce and its consequences for the child? Have you ever faced the problem of divorce? Family » divorce

This is very painful. It's scary and offensive. Divorce has never brought satisfaction to anyone. Even if spouses separate by mutual desire (which does not happen very often), even if they did everything in a “civilized” manner, both experience disappointment, pain, and loss. In Russia today, according to Rosstat statistics, about 50% of families break up. Moreover, the majority of divorces occur in those families where the husband and wife have been married for 5 to 9 years. This is a long time. And, as a rule, there are already children in such social units.

Situations, of course, are different, and sometimes divorce really becomes the only reasonable option, but only adults always make the decision to separate. And children always, in all cases without exception, become hostages of parental divorce.

Every child, regardless of age and temperament, upbringing, religion, citizenship and place on the social ladder, loves his mother and father equally strongly. For him, losing contact with any of them is not even a trauma, but a real disaster.

To get at least an approximate idea of how your child feels, take your experiences as a basis and multiply them by two. And that's not all.

Impact on the child’s psyche

Strangely enough, parental divorce has the greatest impact on unborn children. If it so happens that the family breaks up during a woman’s pregnancy, the baby in her womb experiences a spectrum of her mother’s negative emotions and is attacked by incredible doses of stress hormones. A baby may be born with serious disturbances in the functioning of the nervous system and psyche. In 90% of cases, such children are very anxious, capricious, and often get sick.

Both infants and older children feel discord in the family. What are they experiencing?

Outwardly, your offspring may not show anything, especially if the conflict on the home front has been developing for a long time, and everyone is already pretty tired of screaming, showdowns and slamming doors. In this case, the child will most likely view divorce as the logical conclusion of a difficult period. But fires will blaze inside him and volcanoes will erupt, because internal stress (by the way, the most dangerous to human life and health) will not go away on its own. It accumulates and grows.

Often a complex of his own guilt for what happened comes to his “aid.” This happens in children aged 2 to 7 years. The fact is that a child, due to his age, cannot understand all the real reasons for his parents’ divorce. And therefore he “appoints” the culprit – himself. “Dad left because I was bad.” “Mom left because she didn’t listen to her.” This terrible condition tears the child’s soul into two parts. One stays with her mother. The other is with her father. Plus self-dislike. The result is fears (even the development of phobias), hysterics, aggression, or the other extreme - isolation and tearfulness.

If such children are not helped in time, the consequences will be disastrous - mental disorders, the inability to build their own families in the future.

Children aged 9-12 years old go to the other extreme - they begin to feel strong anger at the departed parent (usually dad), resentment, and they begin to feel a sense of their own uselessness. Especially if the remaining parent rushes to arrange his personal life - to look for a new “dad” or “mom”. The child is left alone with his troubles.

Teenagers usually greet the news of divorce with pronounced protest, especially if the family was prosperous or seemed so. Boys are more “boisterous”; they categorically blame their mothers for the fact that dad left, or, conversely, they trample on their father’s authority and take their mother’s side. Thus, they suppress the masculinity in themselves and launch a program of “self-destruction”. Teenage girls experience their parents' divorce more restrainedly, but no less strongly.

Many teenagers admit that they began to feel burning shame for having an incomplete family in front of their peers. And almost all children from families where there has recently been a divorce have decreased intellectual abilities. Children begin to study worse, become distracted and disorganized.

The stress of parental divorce at any age can be so intense that the child becomes physically ill. Some older guys start peeing at night. In teenage girls, the menstrual cycle is disrupted. It is not so rare for children to develop allergies and skin diseases. Chronic illnesses are getting worse.

The most difficult period is the first time after a divorce. For about 6 - 8 weeks you will feel unbearably sad, lonely, hurt and scared. And then the stage of adaptation to the new life will last for another six months. It is important that it is during this period that we, adults, make an effort on ourselves, curb our negative emotions and properly organize the child’s life. Because it’s doubly hard for him. Remember this.

You can find out how a child feels when their parents divorce by watching the following video.

How to tell your child about divorce

If the decision has already been made, and it is final and irrevocable, clearly plan the conversation with your children. If the fact of separation is not yet obvious, do not rush to “get on your child’s nerves.” You need to talk only when there are no false hopes for family reunification.

Who should tell about the upcoming divorce? It's up to you to decide. More often than not, the mission of the messenger with bad news goes to the mother. But it could be dad or both spouses together. If you don't find the strength to keep your emotions under control, entrust an important conversation to the child's grandparents, aunt or uncle. The main thing is that the baby trusts the person who has undertaken to explain to him the immediate prospects of the family. And be sure to try to be present at this conversation.

You need to carefully prepare for an important conversation. Organize everything in your adult head so that you are prepared for any questions your child may have.

You need to choose the right time to talk. It is best if it is a day off, when the offspring does not have to go to school, kindergarten or classes. At the same time, he should not have any important business or responsible event planned. It is unknown how the baby will perceive the unpleasant news. He may become hysterical and may need privacy. Let the conversation take place at home, in a familiar environment.

Who should I tell?

All children deserve the truth. But not all of them, due to their age, will be able to accept your truth, much less understand it. Therefore, it is better not to discuss the upcoming divorce with a child who is not yet 3 years old. Wait until the little one starts asking questions himself. And he will soon wonder where dad is, why he only comes on weekends, where he lives. Prepare your answers. There's still time.

Children aged 3 and older must be informed in an upcoming divorce. The main principle is this: the younger the child, the less details he should be told.

How to build a conversation?

Honestly. Directly. Open.

Express yourself in simple words that a child of his age can understand. The use of unfamiliar clever expressions and terms, the meaning of which the child will not understand, will cause anxiety and even panic.
The older the child, the more frank your conversation should be. Use the pronoun "we". “We decided”, “We consulted and want to tell you.” Talk about divorce as an unpleasant but temporary phenomenon. Ask your teen for help to get through a difficult time. “I can’t cope without you,” “I really need your support.” Children love it and are happy to take on additional responsibility.
You need to speak honestly. Focus on your feelings, but don’t go too far. “Yes, it’s very painful and unpleasant for me, but I’m grateful to dad that we have such a wonderful and beloved you.” Emphasize that divorce is, by and large, a normal process. Life is not over, everything continues. The main thought when talking with a child should be that dad and mom will continue to love, care for, and educate their son or daughter. They won't just live together anymore.
You should not lie to your child or explain the absence of your father or mother as “urgent matters in another city.” Children have well-developed intuition, and even if they do not know the true causes of the disaster occurring in the house, they will perfectly sense your lies. And this misunderstanding will terrify them. Plus, they may stop trusting you.

When telling your child about the upcoming divorce, you need to avoid a negative assessment of your recently beloved significant other. Your baby doesn’t need your dirty details - who cheated on whom, who stopped loving whom, etc. For him, both parents must remain good and loved. When he grows up, he will figure everything out on his own. But if the separation occurs due to the pathological addiction of one of the family members - alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling, there is no point in hiding it. However, you need to talk about this topic correctly and carefully.

What not to do?

Divorcing parents tend to make the same mistakes. The main one is an obsession with one’s own experiences, the inability to put oneself in the child’s place. Demanding complete adequacy from people who are under extreme stress is stupid, so just remember what you should not do during a divorce in the presence of a child:

To sort things out, use offensive and humiliating expressions, exaggerate the details of the upcoming divorce or division of property. You will have to find out who owes whom and how much in the courtroom or when the child is not at home. An overheard conversation of such content can give a growing person reason to think about the topic: “How can they talk about an apartment and a car now, when our family is collapsing?” This will form incorrect attitudes for the future - the material will be more important than the spiritual.
Cry, throw tantrums. Your negative release hits the child painfully in the most vulnerable place. Do you want to cry? Go to a friend, to your mother, to a psychotherapist. There you can cry and complain about the “ungrateful brute” without any problems.
Drastically change the order of life and family structure. Let everything flow at its usual pace for the child after a divorce. It couldn’t be more difficult for him even without traveling.
Manipulate a child in a relationship with his former significant other, limit communication with his father.
Emphasize to the child his similarity with his ex-spouse if he did something bad. You cannot shout at your son who broke an expensive vase that he is “just like his father.” The child will associate the image of the father exclusively with bad deeds. Yes, and such behavior does not suit you.

There is no need to be embarrassed to seek help from a specialist. Divorce is too much stress and a severe test for the psyche of adults. For a child, it is comparable to a nuclear disaster. Often, neither you nor your child can cope with this without the help of an experienced psychologist.
Children in a family that is falling apart or has already fallen apart have a doubly need for attention. Give them time, make sure that the stress does not get out of control and does not turn into severe depression or mental illness in the child.
Try to spend the weekend as before, with the whole family. Of course, if the relationship with your spouse remains friendly. This will require a woman to have enormous endurance and self-control, but it will be worth it. In such an environment, it will be easier for the child to get used to the new life.
Don't take your anger out on your child. Do not listen to advisers who insist that a boy left without a father’s upbringing needs to be raised tougher and more severely. Such mothers grab the belt with or without reason, tighten the system of punishments and gradually become real dictators.

To learn how to raise a child without a father, watch the video of clinical psychologist Veronica Stepanova.

You can watch how to help yourself and your child survive a divorce in the following video.

After divorce

Divorce is, of course, a serious trauma for a child, but sometimes it is better than continuing to live in a family where there has long been no mutual understanding, respect, where parents compete to see who shouts louder or slams the door. The consequences of divorce for a child in the future are often less serious than the consequences of living in an inadequately aggressive environment.

It is good if the child can continue to communicate with the father and his relatives after the divorce. If this is not possible, you can ask your friends - men, other relatives - representatives of the stronger sex, for help, because a child (especially a boy) needs to communicate with his own kind in gender terms.

Why it is worth finding a father-mentor for your son, watch in the following video, where psychologist Irina Mlodik explains many nuances.

In Russia, children usually stay with their mother. But there are exceptions. Minors can go to live with their father by court decision if the mother leads an antisocial lifestyle, suffers from alcoholism, or uses drugs.

How children and parents will communicate after a divorce depends on how the ex-spouses are able to come to an agreement. It would be a good idea to establish a procedure for communicating with a child after a divorce: who takes him to the pool and when, who picks him up, when dad can take his child to the cinema, and when mom goes on an excursion with him.

To prevent the child from feeling chaos, mom and dad need to strictly adhere to the communication schedule. Both parents must be able to keep their word - they promised to come for the child on Saturday, please keep it. Parents must also determine the time of communication on their own.

It is desirable if the former spouses can find at least one day a month for joint leisure. A child not only needs visits from dad or mom, he needs to be with both of them at least occasionally.

Don’t turn a child into a spy, don’t ask your son who has returned from a pizzeria after a meeting with his father, how is dad, where does he live, does he have anyone, what does he look like? Happy?

Avoid discussing topics about the divorce at meetings with your child. What has happened has passed.

If the ex-husband and wife are unable to build a constructive dialogue and independently agree on the procedure for communicating with the child after a divorce, this can cause additional stress for the child. Will a toddler whose mother tries to limit communication with his father be happy? Both parents legally have the same rights to their son or daughter. If one party tries to infringe on this legal right of the other, going to court with an appropriate statement of claim will help. Then the servants of Themis will set a schedule and time for communication with the child.

I am a supporter of dialogue rather than litigation, and therefore I am confident that two adults can always reach an agreement, provided that they have such a desire. In the end, the child is not to blame for anything. Divorce is only your decision. Don't let him ruin your baby's life. After all, this is a separate person, unique, loving and waiting for reciprocal love. From both of you.

In the next video, psychologist Olga Kuleshova will talk about some of the nuances of divorce and how they can affect the child’s psyche and his future life.

To find out who the children stay with after a divorce, watch the following video.

To learn how best to tell your child about their parents’ divorce, watch the following video.

We divorced, but remained friends. We have a lot in common; we love our children very much and understand that a good relationship between parents, no matter what, will allow them to feel loved and needed. We have forgiven each other all insults and look to the future with hope.

When you hear such a phrase, only positive feelings arise, for example, respect for two people who were able to overcome all the difficulties of divorce and do not want to live with feelings of anger and resentment; approval, because such behavior is dictated by a sense of responsibility for the future of their children, for their own well-being.

But, unfortunately, the trend of the last decade in cases of divorce is such that very often innocent children suffer from disagreements between parents who have decided to divorce. More and more psychologists in their practice are faced with conducting psychological diagnostics and examinations of the child’s emotional attachment to each of the parents and to his brothers and sisters in cases where it is necessary to make a court decision about which of the former spouses the child will live with. Such examinations are ordered by guardianship authorities or the court even for three-year-old children. And it's scary!

The scary thing is that such cases mean one thing: ex-spouses cannot agree and even for a second think about the well-being of their children. Of course, it’s one thing when one of the parents is inclined to lead an immoral lifestyle, abuses alcohol, is promiscuous in intimate relationships, has no housing, no income, and so on. Of course, when it comes to the life and health of a child, his safety, you need to fight for your child and, if possible, limit communication with a parent who is capable of harming the fragile psyche of the little person. But, from the practice of modern divorces, in the vast majority of cases of “division” of children, we are talking about prosperous parents. Yes, yes, exactly “sharing”. No matter how inappropriate this word may be in relation to children and minors, sometimes specialists working with families at different levels get the feeling that ex-spouses are dividing “property” and they are not at all concerned about how their children feel at this moment , the fruits of their once sincere love.

With enviable regularity, news appears in the media that in one or another locality of our vast country, the ex-husband stole a child from the mother, or the mother took the children to an unknown destination and the father, through the court, is seeking the opportunity to at least see his children, not to mention participation in education.

Analyzing the post-divorce situation or the situation of the divorce itself in family and individual consultations, psychologists come to the following conclusions:

The causes of severe consequences of family tragedy, both for former spouses and for their children, are:

1. Resentment

One of the ex-spouses cannot forgive his ex- second half. And here you can encounter a huge range of problems. Understatement, difficulties in expressing one's own feelings and emotions, closedness and withdrawal, inability to simply talk and find at least some bright periods in the past life together, for the sake of which it is worth letting go of all grievances. Family therapy and individual consultations with a psychologist after a divorce can help former spouses accept the fact that now their lives will no longer be the same, but each of them may have a happy future ahead, a warm and trusting relationship with children and freedom from mutual resentment.

Certainly, a separate case is treason from a former loved one. In this situation, it is very difficult to simply give up and say: “Okay, it doesn’t happen to anyone!” Forgiving a betrayal, a vile stab in the back from a person whom you previously trusted immensely, whom you loved, for whose sake you forgave a lot, and so on - this is very difficult, it takes time, especially since the “offender” may not rush to family consultations with a psychologist after leaving the family, for example, due to the fact that the “offender” may have his own truth!

He never showed me his love, didn’t give me compliments, didn’t give me flowers. I ran around like a squirrel in a wheel: home, work. No hint that he needs me! I washed him, ironed him, he saw me only as a housekeeper! Bring it! I mean, life goes on! I'm not that old yet! I want romance, travel, I want to go to the theater and cinema, but I can’t pull him out of his chair! So when I met another man, I realized what it means to be loved and the only one

Here's another example:

My ex has stopped taking care of herself, she has gained weight, dresses untidy, and is not involved in her career. All she is interested in is a talk show, a sofa and a cake, but I want to have a beautiful, well-groomed, slender, intelligent woman next to me who strives for self-development. And in general, I’m 45 years old, I’ve done a lot for my family, I’m still young, I deserve personal happiness

In such cases, the psychologist’s work with the abandoned spouse should be individual, aimed at working through negative feelings and emotions, reassessing one’s past life, and developing adequate self-perception and self-esteem. Psychological assistance in a situation of betrayal can help a person overcome difficulties that prevent him from changing his life for the better. Of course, after finishing work with a psychologist, there are no guarantees that the ex-spouse will see positive changes, “come to his senses” and return to the family, but, as practice shows, this desire for a once abandoned and offended spouse ceases to be relevant from the moment a person feels and realizes the first changes in himself and his life.

2. Desire for revenge

We got divorced, I feel bad, I suffer, and you enjoy life? Have you already found a new dad for my child? You probably never loved me, married me, took advantage of my love for you, for my child, perhaps had affairs on the side, since you found yourself a lover so quickly?! So know that I won’t let you live well. I will go to court and take the child for myself, because his mother is a disgusting person, and she has no right to raise my child with someone else’s uncle. My loved ones, my parents will help me prove in court that you are a bad mother!

The feeling of hatred and the desire for satisfaction is an extremely destructive mechanism. Sometimes the desire to take revenge on a former spouse is so strong that it can overshadow common sense and “amputate” the sense of responsibility towards one’s own children. Then situations with “abductions” of children occur. The suffering of the ex-spouse, pleas and humiliation for the opportunity to at least talk to the child on the phone, promises of anything and attacks of despair and anger can satisfy the feeling of revenge of the offended, however, revenge is an extremely slippery slope!

All kinds of examinations and examinations, court decisions to determine the place of residence of a child after a divorce can last several months. During this time, the child’s psyche can suffer significantly. In psychological practice, there are cases when the desire for revenge provoked such passion in ex-spouses that while drawing up sophisticated mutual accusations in lawsuits, adults forgot about their child, which led to deviations in the behavior of the minor, ranging from drinking alcohol, drugs, committing crimes, ending with suicide attempts or completed suicide.

If you feel that anger and hatred towards your ex-spouse are overwhelming, you have an irresistible desire to take revenge on the offender, stop, take a deep breath and think about the possible consequences of this self-destructive feeling, both for you and for your loved ones, your children! If you realize that you are unable to cope with strong feelings on your own, seek help from a psychologist. During the conversation, a professional will help you respond to the whole gamut of negative emotions and experiences, and will give recommendations for further work in strengthening the skills of verbalization and self-regulation.

3. Features of intergenerational connections and the intrafamily system

We are all from different families. Even the same status of parental families does not guarantee that the spouses were raised by their parents according to the same pattern; they were instilled with common values, principles of interpersonal communication, views on the correctness of this or that behavior, and worldviews. In some families, it is customary to share the most intimate things and there are no taboo topics; in some families, talking about your experiences and crying on the shoulder of your father or mother is considered a sign of weakness. Same with family roles.

There are families in which mothers raising a son, for one reason or another, were forced to be both mothers and fathers, breadwinners in the family, controllers, and sources of warmth, love and care. There are families where only the father's word is law, and there are no hints of democratic relations; all decisions are made individually and the wishes of other family members are not taken into account. And there are families with destructive mechanisms of the family system. Surely, you have come across families in your life where parents are overprotective or, on the contrary, prefer a permissive parenting style in relation to their children.

For example, a son is 35 years old, and he lives with his mother, who, even in her youth, shouldered all the worries about the family, since the father became disabled or suffered from alcoholism, or left the family altogether, and the mother never got married, because that she decided to devote her entire life to her son, putting an end to her own female happiness

Imagine a young woman, she never had a father, and she no longer remembers the names of her mother’s many cohabitants or her stepfathers. Her mother has been trying to make her own life for as long as this young woman can remember. Now imagine that a 35-year-old man and this young woman started a family, gave birth to children and... faced difficulties. They do not have the resources, either personal or family, to overcome life's troubles, their family roles are confused, there is no positive experience of family life, relationships with their own parents. The spouse has never felt love and support from her own mother, and cannot show them adequately in marriage, and the spouse has not learned to take responsibility in the most basic situations and requires love, care, respect and understanding from his other half. A family crisis is brewing, followed by divorce, as both spouses feel unhappy. Their children also suffer. Grandparents cannot support the young, and if they give any advice, they only aggravate an already difficult situation.

What to do in such cases, when both spouses or one of them were raised in families with violations of the intrafamily system, family hierarchy? Long-term family and individual psychotherapy can provide significant assistance. Each of the spouses, first of all, needs to work out those mechanisms that have become entrenched in their consciousness and in their unconscious while living in their parental family: relationships with their mother, relationships with their father. This is possible even in cases where either the mother or the father did not take part in the upbringing. Many psychotherapeutic techniques can work in this case.

This is a long and difficult work, both for the client and for the psychologist and psychotherapist himself. Why do you need to sacrifice your time and discuss unpleasant, sometimes painful memories of your childhood? Because fixed patterns of behavior, including extremely ineffective ones, if not worked through, will continue to have a destructive effect on any family system. In other words, no matter how many marriages our heroes have, there is no guarantee that at least one of them will be happy. And children, as we know, reinforce the behavior of their parents in their awareness of themselves as individuals. Breaking the chain of divorces in future generations is our task today! Let our children see everything - love, happiness, health, illness, grief, and joy, because this is life! But only strong and resourceful parents can give them a feeling of unconditional love and acceptance, trust and self-sufficiency, even when the situation of divorce between them for some reason is inevitable!

They didn't get along... It sounds like a death sentence being passed on a family. After this, the social unit ceases to exist, and two people are given the opportunity to start their lives from scratch.

But if a divorce occurs in a family with children, will they be able to start their lives from scratch? What happens in the soul of a child for whom the family and the whole world are suddenly torn into two halves and the closest person remains in each?

Going through a divorce is not easy. Psychologists place divorce in one of the first places as the most stressful factor. Adults, when solving their problems in their personal lives, often forget that for a child, divorce means the collapse of his little world, in which the most beloved and dearest people will no longer be together.

Of course, here we are not talking about those cases where divorce is rather a step that can save a child from having to watch the parents’ eternal quarrels, and sometimes even assault, and when the behavior of one of the parents is more likely to harm the child. The child’s mental health suffers even more from being under constant stress from such scenes. Children, not understanding the true reasons for their parents' quarrels, unconsciously place the blame on themselves. They feel like their parents are fighting because he is not good enough and has done something wrong. This undoubtedly greatly affects the child’s self-esteem, and the echoes in adulthood are difficult to predict.

It’s even worse if children are drawn into a showdown between their parents and become objects of manipulation, a way to force one of the parents to give in on something. The child is often faced with a choice - which parent to stay with. This causes children to feel powerless and betrayed by those closest to them, as well as hopelessness and confusion. The consequences of divorce can be various psychosomatic diseases in children, depression, isolation, sleep and appetite disorders.

The reaction of children to divorce largely depends on age. The baby may hardly notice the absence of one of the parents and quickly adapt to the changes, especially if the other relatives do not change their attitude towards him. A two-year-old child, of course, will notice the absence of a parent and will be actively interested in where he went, while he may be capricious and react violently. From two years to six years, the child feels shock and shock and completely blames himself for what happened. From the age of six to nine years, parental divorce causes depression, aggressive manifestations, and emotional swings. Children's behavior and academic performance deteriorate sharply. The child stops trusting anyone and may begin to be rude and deceive. At the age of 9-11 years, girls seek support from their friends, stop trusting their parents, and boys strive to find mutual understanding with their father. During adolescence, boys may become aggressive towards their father, and girls may blame their mother for the fact that their relationship with their father went wrong.

Experts advise not to keep the child in the dark about the fact that there are problems in the family, but try not to traumatize the child’s psyche with scenes of quarrels. The child should explain in clear words why the parents are divorcing, while avoiding denigrating the image of the parent, calling him “bad”, etc. For a child to fully develop, he needs the participation of both parents, so you should not limit communication with the other parent unless this harms the child. The child should not be a means of manipulation or a way to return the parent to the family.

Parents filing for divorce should not forget that divorced people become strangers to each other, but for the child they still remain mom and dad.

Tatiana

Parents are children's universe. The child’s worldview, the success of his personal development and even physical success depend on their presence, relationships and atmosphere in the family. When mom and dad are together, love and respect each other, teach the child to live in harmony and optimism - this is wonderful.

What if the parents made the difficult decision to divorce? The fragile rainbow world is collapsing, no matter how friendly and calm the responsible father and mother are. How can a child cope with his parents' divorce? And how can the detrimental impact of family breakdown manifest itself in the behavior and well-being of children?

"Everything is fine"

It happens that from the outside the impact of divorce on children is not noticeable. Or it is even “beneficent.” For example, if the family had constant, loud squabbles, fights. If the father drank a lot, he threatened the health of his wife and child. “Getting rid of” the rowdy, restored harmony and peace. The child’s success in kindergarten and school has improved, and his mood has improved.

But inside the baby (and even more so the teenager) still experiences the loss of his father, . Everyone knows that “They don’t choose” parents and that’s why they love all sorts of them: “bad” ones, angry, pugnacious, noisy and unfair. Even if “everything is fine,” you need to create a friendly “field” of interesting things, fun activities, educational activities, good books and varied communication around the child.

Negative manifestations in the child’s character

The most common negative consequence of divorce for children is in the light of changes in character, behavior, and style of communication with others. Children express their rejection of parental decisions with a “crisis of disobedience”, whims,, the demand for attention to one’s own person. Older children show disdain for studying, abandon hobbies (or, conversely, immerse themselves in reading, closing themselves in their shell). Teenagers are addicted to deviant forms: they try cigarettes, alcohol, get caught vandalizing, stealing, engage in sexual relations, etc. Before punishing, criticizing and blaming, remember: a child in a divorce situation is always a victim! He didn’t make the decision, he doesn’t know the “underhood” and “suffers innocently.”

Somatic manifestations of stress

Particularly sensitive and delicate natures become seriously ill, physically! May occur in children.

Every year approximately 1,300,000 marriages and 700,000 divorces are officially registered in Russia. More than half of families break up with hopes of new happiness, not expecting that the consequences of divorce may turn out to be an insurmountable obstacle on the way to it.

The statistics are inexorable. While studying the topic, specialists from the Family Institute found that marriages break up due to:

drug addiction, alcoholism and gambling addiction (41%);
housing problems (26%);
“help” from relatives (14%);
infertility (8%);
long separations (6%);
imprisonment (2%)
illness of one of the family members (1%)

Psychological reasons

Each of these seven reasons can be dealt with. There are no people without shortcomings, just as there is no life without problems. A person who is psychologically prepared for family life, for a complete change in lifestyle and habits, who understands that sometimes you have to sacrifice something for happiness, will never give up after the first failure.

The popular saying “Heaven is in the hut with the darling” is only true when three people live in the hut. The third is love.

Only true strong love can overcome all seven of these troubles. If she is not there, or she is weak and immature, there is no strength to fight, you are tired of waiting, and your fantasy paints rosy pictures of “post-divorce” happiness with someone else... In this case, any psychologist is powerless.

Consequences of divorce

Did not work out. You are in that large statistical half of families who are unlucky. Now we need to quickly lick all the wounds and start building a new happy life with that experience and the right conclusions. But to successfully treat wounds, you need to know at least where they are and how deep they are.

For children

It's no secret that children suffer the most from divorce. Their souls, unprepared for years for conflicts, cannot calmly survive the collapse of their nest. So reliable, warm and familiar, it suddenly stops heating and falls apart into two halves.

If the baby is small, he does not understand this with his mind, he feels it with those instincts that save Mowgli’s life in the wild forest.

Many people today keep dogs at home, considering them part of the family. Try to go out with the whole “flock” for a walk and suddenly split up and go your separate ways. The husband will go to the right, and the wife to the left. An unhappy dog will rush between its owners, whine and demand to be reunited. This is a pack instinct. It's easier to survive together!

The baby has the same instinct, only he does not whine, but cries. He will not understand, no matter how much you explain to him why his “flock” fell apart. He'll be scared. The feeling of security that was there before will disappear.

It can also be compared to a boat. Imagine that you are sailing in a boat on the sea. Suddenly a hole appears in the bottom and the boat begins to sink! And you don’t know how to swim yet! Panic and enormous stress. This is how your baby feels. This stress for a child may be less or more, but it will always be and remain a scar on the person’s psyche.

If the child already knows how to understand the parents’ logic, if you can explain it to him in words and he will understand, explain! Just remember that he is still small, so all the problems for him are twice as terrible and greater than for an adult.

If you manage to convince a younger family member that divorce is not scary, quite common and even good, you risk raising a member of society who will treat the family lightly and not seriously.

Do you want your daughter to get married five times? Do you want your son to leave one woman after another without having time to pay child support? Who wants this?! God forbid.

For spouses

The wedding march played, glasses clinked, boxes with gifts were opened long ago, bills from the envelopes were counted and already spent. Family life began. Half of the divorces happen just a year or two after the wedding. The expected happiness turned out to be not viable.

But there is another half. For years, two adults tried to live happily, built their way of life, quarreled and made peace. Or didn't you try very hard? Many families break up when the children are already grown up. Either “a demon in the rib” or the connecting link fell out of the family - the children scattered and built their own nests.

For men

Men are very conservative by nature. They do not like change, especially if the initiators of the revolution are not themselves.

If the wife filed for divorce, the man in 90 cases out of 100 will try to leave everything in its place. He will apologize, correct himself, code and make amends (even if he doesn’t feel it). Just don't make drastic changes!

Of course, after a short period of time everything will return to normal. The same sofa, TV, the same alcoholic friends, the same fishing on weekends and the Internet at night. You will either have to put up with this or get a divorce completely.

For a man, divorce is no less stressful than for a child; it is not only a frightening unknown, broken social norms, but also a big blow to self-esteem.

A man is a public person, very dependent on the opinion of the crowd. How so?! He was abandoned, and now his friends will laugh at him, etc.

A man never gets divorced. If he files for divorce, it means he has an alternative, an “alternate airfield,” a mistress. In this case there will be no stress. You won’t even get any experiences, only the joy of liberation.

For women

A woman, on the contrary, is more inquisitive; the spirit of an experimenter lives in her at all times. She is the one who leaves her drunkard husband for an apartment with her two children; she is the one who exposes her husband along with her things and her mistress, finding them in the bedroom. The woman, of course, is afraid to be left alone, but at the same time, she knows that she will not disappear. And it is true!

A woman, paradoxically, has a lot of vitality. This is inherent in nature. Because she is a mother, responsible for procreation, for her children.

For their sake, Eve’s daughter went into a burning hut, and a galloping horse, and even more so kicked her drug addict husband out of her life. Yes, then he will cry into his pillow, regret it, maybe take it back. But even one will not be lost.

Divorce is a huge stress for a woman if she is abandoned. Especially if she loves. These include a broken heart, suicide attempts, disappointment in life and loss of interest. But... she is also worried, because the main thing for her is the children.

Look around. There are so many lonely older women. They are all decently, neatly, fashionably dressed, walking their dogs, babysitting their grandchildren. Not a single woman has ever disappeared after a divorce. Because, by and large, her happiness is in her children.

A man also loves children, but more through a woman. Therefore, they often lose interest in their offspring after a divorce. And, as a result, interest in life disappears. Conclusion: children and men suffer more from divorce.

For society

What is society? This is not some ephemeral, detached concept. These are precisely those same children, women and men. As much as they suffer, society itself experiences the consequences. The extent to which its members are mentally traumatized is the extent to which it itself is negative.

A divorced man is at greater risk for alcoholism, drug addiction, AIDS, and injury. This fact has also been established by ubiquitous sociologists. Children in single-parent families often grow up to be individuals with a defective, traumatized psyche. They are also members of society.

Legal outcome of marriage breakdown

There are issues that arise after a divorce that can only be resolved with the help of Russian legislation.

These legal problems fit into a small but very important list:

The issue of raising children. Who should the child stay with? Which parent will be visiting, and whether there will be one.
Alimony levied on one of the parents.
Property issue. Division of housing and other jointly acquired property.

Are there any positive aspects

Let's imagine that you can't get a divorce. You made a mistake in your youth, well, spend your whole life cleaning up your stupidity with a big ladle. If you endure it, you will fall in love. Folk wisdom is only wisdom, so that you listen to it at least a little.

You never know what will happen if everything is broken and a new world is built. It can be built even worse than it was. This has already happened in our history.

On the other hand, if you don’t compare, you won’t evaluate. Until you try it on yourself, you won’t know whether this outfit will suit you. And if you throw away your old outfit and the new one doesn’t fit, you might as well walk around naked….

With such a selfish and practical approach to family life, it is difficult to create a happy family. Maybe try just loving? With sincere love, rags can be turned into brocade and velvet.

Divorce cannot be prohibited. It is needed at least in order not to be psychologically dependent on circumstances. Well, there must be an emergency exit in case of fire!